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So depressed, I want to disappear!

(6 Posts)
loulounz Fri 01-Jul-05 11:40:36

DH left me Xmas last year with two small dd's. I was devastated. He came back a few months later for a few wks saying he loved me and wanted to make a go of things but never really tried and dropped it on me he'd been keeping in touch with his ex for most of our marriage! Started messing around hiding his phone from me and made me totally paranoid about his relationship with his ex, so I flipped and kicked him out.

One min he's nice to me, the next he's a complete B* to me! Sometimes he'll answer my calls and texts, the next he'll totally ignore me. It's driving me crazy! If he'd have left me alone in the first place to get on with my life I may be on the road to recovery this far down the line! But I'm sinking deeper and deeper into depression again, feel as though I'm in a deep dark hole all alone, cry buckets every day, shout at my dd's and then hate myself even more and just want to curl up and die! Wish I had the guts to do it!

Went on holiday with him and dd's a few weeks back (as was booked when we were together and couldn't get anyone else to go) and he totally kept his distance from me (wore pj's to bed, changed in the bathroom, wanted to do things on his own with dd's and not include me etc) Kept the peace for the time we were away though and now realise he was just being nice for his own selfish needs. Were all ill on holiday and dd's have been ill ever since - he's seen them once and text once to see how they are in 3 weeks - I'm devastated, he doesn't even care how ill they are or what's wrong with them! If it's through with me and him then I have to accept it but it doubley hurts when he shows no interest in his dd's but I hear how much he loves and cares for them from all his family and friends! His mother is also complaining she never sees her grandchildren - but has made no attempt to see them! Why are they trying to make me out to be the bad one?

I'm so stressed out having to try and wrap everything up here - he's left me to look after house (and sale of), kids, rehoming of pets, bills etc and I feel like I'm being suffocated. Have asked him to take some of the responsibility away from me, he says yes but never carries anything out! I'm not totally useless but as I'm so depressed everything seems ten times worse and harder than it actually is - I want to just pack a bag and walk away but know I cant do that. How many months am I going to be stuck here like this - can I carry on?

I desperately need to get away closer to family as I have no friends or family close to me here, but I'm totally dependant on him and he's dragging his heels! House up for sale but there's no interest in it. Can't just up and rent as I need money from him to do so. Council wont rehome me as I have a house and would be making myself intentionally homeless - offered me a refuge!

I just haven't got the will to fight/live etc. any more. My life feels like it's ended and I just can't seem to snap out of it! I need help now but I know rome wasn't built in a day and things dont happen overnight but I dont know how much more I can take of this.

almostanangel Fri 01-Jul-05 11:47:14

first {{{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}}}} second what doesnt kill us makes us stonger ,,this is an old saying ,,but very not going in to detail of the past couple of years of my life but ,,i will give you some advice ,,you have to be you ,,stuff waiting for him to be your hero and rescue you from all the crap..write a list of waht needs to be done and do one at a time ,,it will make you a strong person and you can sit back and say i did it my self ,,it is very scary but you have no choice so just do it! ,my fav saying ,,dont complain about the dark ,,light a candle..xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

almostanangel Fri 01-Jul-05 11:48:16

{{{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}}}}}good luck

Redhelen Fri 01-Jul-05 15:12:30

Hi loulounz

Would you be able to go and stay with some family or freinds and start on what needs sorting away from it all? Might help you see things from a fresh presepective? Keep away from your ex - and keep posting Mumsnet when ever you need to talk. Love Helenx

spursmum Fri 01-Jul-05 15:19:55

take it from another who was ditched(my ex dumped my ds at my parents when life got too hard for him, i know his mum was dying but that was 2 years ago now and still hasn't come back!) i struggled for 2 years with pnd and £8000 debt he kindly left but now i am completely mentally stable, i am clearing my debts myself and enjoying my life. things will get better i promise!!! hugs 4 u!!!

loulounz Fri 01-Jul-05 19:11:19

Thanks everyone for your comments.

Have been away several times to stay with the only person I can stay with, but myself and two young dd's all sleeping in a tiny room (one in bed with me) also gets on top of me. I do feel more relaxed away from here but it's always a temporary fix and dont feel I can put on people for more than a few days - I really like my own space. I know everyone is doing their best to help me but I feel this far down the line they are sick of hearing about me and my problems and want to just get on with their own lives - probably not the case but feels like it.

Every time I try to make a positive step forward I seem to get kicked back ten! As I'm totally dependent on him I seem to just be hanging around waiting for him to get something moving for me to move forward. I do have a solicitor onto things now but she has given him a couple of weeks to give her info, then he goes on hols for 3 weeks! So nothing is going to get done for another couple of months - I really am at the end of my tether - I just cant bear the thought of being here any longer.

Everyone else seems to be so strong on MN, say up yours and get on with their lives for the better - and then there's me who just can't seem to scrape myself off the floor (but not for want of trying!) Destined to have a crap life I think where nothing goes my way! He's well and truly screwed me and the dd's up and doesn't give a stuff! How can such a nice kind man turn into a monster I dont recognise? I hate the fact that he's dumped on us big time but he's the one that comes off best in all this! Doesn't seem right to me??????????????????????????/

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