I think I need help ...

[OpeningAnotherCanOfWorms]

Last night, I got into bed to BF DD (11 weeks). I asked DH to turn the volume up on the tv and whe he said that he was busy doing something else I threw a tantrum. Except it was more than just a tantrum, I completely lost my temper, handed the baby over to him and told him that I was too busy to feed her, screamed a torrent of abuse at him and as the argument escallated told him that I wanted a divorce, that I didn't love him, that I wanted him out of my life etc

I'm crying as I type this because I can't believe how awful my behaviour was and typing it makes me feel so ashamed.

He took DD downstairs, at which point my DS (2) opened the door tp his room and I continued to shout abuse at his father. I followed DH downstairs, threw the remote control against the wall in a fit of anger then went to take DD from DH, he tried to stop me, I screamed at him again and then went to knee him at which point he let go.

DH was responding to me during this which made me even more angry. And more abusive.

I don't think I need help, I know that I do.

I wish this was a one off but it isn't. Flying off the handle and screaming abuse is common place now and I think thinks are getting worse. I've never been violent before.

I need to see a doctor. DH is a kind, gentle and loving man and I'm an abusive, horrible person that is making his life a misery.

Being sorrowful today doesn't make up for last night.

[NewnameSameoldme]

It sounds to me like you are not getting enough help with your DC and life in general and this was the last straw.

[ChloeHandbag]

Aha - key phrases in your post are a newborn and a 2 year old.

I was very unreasonable when my dc's where this age and sometimes frightened myself. Poor dh was always very sympathetic.

Now my dc's are all well past that stage (youngest is 7) I'm never like this.

However, I do wish I'd gone to the GP - I suspect I was suffering with some degree of pnd. You know it wouldn't hurt to rule it out.

I don't think you're a horrible person, just having a tough time.

[ByThePowerOfGreyskull]

I think that you do need some help, but probably not the big scarey kind that you are thinking of, perhaps just a break fo your self from time to time,

an 11 week old baby is VERY demanding you mention another child which only adds to the exhaustion.

are there triggers that you recognise? When you have done lots for everyone and then you have to feed DD as well?

Be kind to yourself, screaming at someone when you are cross isn't great but I think the fact you know that is a good thing.

I am sure someone will be here with great advice soon, but Please don't be tood hard on yourslef. It sounds like generally you are a great Mummy and wife you can get through this.

[OrmIrian]

Yes, please go and see your GP. I am by nature a mild-manner easy-going soul, mostly upbeat and optimistic. But I suffer from depression at times - goes in phases - and when I get really bad I get so so angry. It's sheer frustration and stress. I am back on citalopram now - I have to face the fact that I may be on them most of my life. But it's better than the alternative.

How long has this been going on?

One thing I would say is that once you are more stable, if any of your children are old enough to understand, please explain that is isn't you, it's the illness. I had to do this with my 2 eldest. They thought my temper was their fault

[OpeningAnotherCanOfWorms]

Thanks everyone for your quick and kind posts.

My kids are 2 and 11 weeks, so no need to explain yet.

The mood swings have gone on forever. They pre-date DH. My family have been subject to my tantrus (especially my mother and father). My friends have been on the receiving end. Ex partners have also been on the receiving end.

This is a life long thing. Not a reaction to having another baby.

[OrmIrian]

canofworms - I have wondered in the past if I might be bi-polar. Do you get 'ups' too?

[OpeningAnotherCanOfWorms]

I've been reading about bi-polar for years. I worked with someone who had it some time ago so did some research then. Some of the symptoms fit, some don't. I don't think I do experience the ups.

An ex boyfriend was a pharmacist in a psychiatric hospital and he said that he thought I experienced 'manic episodes' - the relationship was shortlived (suprise!).

I think that maybe I just have extreme mood swings. I don't know. Maybe I'm just a crap and aggressive bully.

[OrmIrian]

" Maybe I'm just a crap and aggressive bully."

If you were you wouldn't be worried about it. Please see a GP.

[OpeningAnotherCanOfWorms]

Thanks OrmIran.

I am going to make an appointment. I have been thinking about this for a long time and following last night's performance I don't think I can put it off any longer. I really don't want my children to copy my behaviours and DH doesn't deserve this.

[OpeningAnotherCanOfWorms]

Oh my god. DH is on his way home and I don't know what to say to him when he comes in.

Do I start with sorry?

[bearcrumble]

Yes, I think an apology would be good to clear the air. I hate apologising but normally if it do it defuses things and my husband will also apologise for his part in the row.

I think you've been brave to acknowledge that you have some problems controlling your anger and if you tell your husband that you're going to try and get some help for it I can only imagine that he'll be pleased and relieved.

Best of luck.

[borderliner]

Can of worms,

THis could have been me a few years ago. The violent temper outbursts were just one, but the most obvious, of many symptoms I had/have.

I've changed my name here - I'm still not ready to talk about it under my normal name on MN. I'm a very longstanding regular! There's not a lot of understanding on here about my condition.

I have BPD - borderline personality disorder. Rage is one of the most extreme symptoms. I also suffer mood swings, depression, self-destructive behaviour. Its about 4 times more common in women than men and often linked to a childhood abandonment.

I'm not saying this is what you have, but your OP sounds so like me.

I have regular psychological support, am on antidepressants, and despite my disorder I am in a long-standing marriage (15 years +) and have 3 fabulous children to whom I am a sahm and am studying for a master's degree.

Mind has some good resources but they are very detailed and can be a bit scarey - but the sense of releif I felt when I realised there was a reason for my behaviour and I wasn't just being a self destructive brat was palpable.

I'm not diagnosing you - but I thought I would stick my 2p in as your OP rung such bells with me.

[OpeningAnotherCanOfWorms]

I feel like I'm looking for a label so that I can excuse my behaviour.

Borderline - I'd got to Mind earlier today and read about BPD. Some of it feels familiar, in a relieving way, but also in a guilt inducing way as it almost feels like looking for an excuse. I'm going to make an appointment to see my GP on Monday as it feels like the guilt has finally become a bit much and I almost feel like I need to be unburdoned of that.

I am really scared though.

[OrmIrian]

It's not an excuse. It's a reason. Unless you genuinely are a complete bitch who chooses to lose your rag on a regular basis? Which I very much doubt. Good luck.

[borderliner]

Its not an excuse. Its a diagnosis, a reason, and that is a really good thing to have.

There's loads of help out there. My psychologist does individual therapy, which is based round CBT but also building my self esteem and other issues. I didn't want to go into a group situation.

And as I have a fabulous dh I have never had the relationship problems that some BPDers have.

You don't need to have all the symptoms, but there is a minimum level, I don't know what.

I have : anger, fear of abandonment (though this is under control just now, I used to do ridiculous things like lock the door and throw the keys out the window so dh couldn't go to work), self harm (binge drinking, overeating, burning and cutting), hazy sense of self, recurrent depression, lack of self control, I could go on ..... At least I'm not promiscuous - some BPD women burn through relationships as they have no self respect and end up with many children by many men. I'm so lucky with my dh, who I met at 19 and he has been a rock - for some reason, he never stops loving me. I don't deserve it.

I would be a little wary about wading in to the GP and saying anything about what you think you might have. I would ask for a referral to clinical psychology to help with anger etc then talk it over with a psychologist before the GP finds out all the details. You really don't want SS on your case about the kids (happened to me) and there are, sadly, GPs out there who know very little about psychiatry and less about potential PDs and can be very unhelpful.

I tried to CAT you but you don't have it. I don't want to give my email out here - not sure CAT is enabled under this name but if it is, do get in touch if you want to chat.

Sadly - I'd also be careful about mentioning PDs on MN. The main one people know about is NPD which is very destructive but when I once read a comment that everyone with a PD was a "sub-human nutter" on here I was absent for several weeks. I'm a professional happily married woman studying for a higher degree with 3 fabulous children and a great marriage. Hardly sub-human!

take care, and keep talking.

Things CAN change - they have for me.

[borderliner]

Just checked - I do have CAT enabled, so please do get in touch if you want.

[OpeningAnotherCanOfWorms]

I've got CAT enabled now. I will get in touch with you. Busy discussing everything with DH this evening, but if you're around tomorrow I'll be in touch. Thanks so much for your support.

[ijustwanttoaskaquestion]

Please go to your doctor - it doesn't matter whether you have a mental "condition" or not - your behaviour is making you unhappy. It is probably worse right now because you have two young children but you need to rule out PND, i have a short fuse but when i had PND i did awful awful things, tried to scald DP in the shower, smashed up the kitchen, became completely irrational. I'm not bi-polar but i am a very up and down person. I have been on medication and had a long period of counselling which has helped me to recognise when i am going down "that road" and it has given me the power to stop the horrible behaviour. That is the hardest bit isnt it, ites like, you know you are being a complete irrational loon but you can't stop - its a very self destructive cycle, its like lashing out at others ultimately hurts the one you are trying to hurt - yourself.

You sound like you have a very understanding partner, but it is scary and hurtful for them - my poor DP almost had a breakdown himself because of my behaviour, which i THOUGHT i was powerless to control.

I too have been like it a long long time, i self harmed as a teenager and gave my parents hell - but you CAN unlearn it. I find myself analysing myself too much - but at least i can stop myself from being a bitch.

[weegiemum]

How are you today CanofWorms (been following this).

[Nemofish]

Forgive the hi-jack, OP, but borderliner my mother has NPD, and although she's not a very pleasant human being, I wouldn't refer to her as subhuman. Well done to you for recognising your issues, looking at where they some from and moving on from there. And I'm sure your dh loves you for good reason (though it may elude you at the moment!)

[Nemofish]

And FWIW... I didn't have any major depressions / issues, but when my dd was 4 months old we had a huge, terrifying, door slamming, screaming, hurling abuse finger pointing-in-face over nothing, and looking back it was just 100% tiredness and baby stress. So even people without any underlying issues flip under pressure... I still blush as I remember screaming 'you wanker' at dh as I repeatedly slammed the door...

Hope you do get the help you need.