MI .... I said what I did about it (going back to work) not being "worth the stress" in all seriousness. Unfortunately, the moment has long passed and I doubt I'd get my old position back after all this time - maybe I'd get something, but that'd be lower paid. While I was ummmming and aaaaing about going back, found that my net pay after travel, childcare, wear and tear on car etc would be close to £200 pm. for f/t ! That would have entailed putting my daughter in childcare of some sort from 7.30am to 6.30pm, or possibly longer now we've moved further away. My old job is now 40 miles from where I live ... and with both of us out the house for so long, I think the everyday struggle of doing housework etc., and feeling like I'd spent any time at all with my daughter would have been very stressful indeed. Not to mention 3+ hours of driving, much of it stop-start traffic jam type driving to boot.
Prior to baby, I did that journey - albeit slightly shorter for 6 years. My son spent his entire life - so it seemed - in childcare, though he was older and could understand to an extent that I had no choice. Like many mums wondering if they should go back to work, I think the thing that swung it for me was the very very little return, which, one way or another me & DP figured we could make up elsewhere. Before I started looking into it I had thought that I might still be entitled to some rebate on childcare, but our combined incomes would have meant not. I know that sounds like prospectively we would have had a lot of money, but not when you're mortgaged up to the hilt, are spending £800 pm on travel between you, and have to pay maintenance to DPs ex. All in all, we couldn't see much practical benefit in me going back - wouldn't have been like we'd have got fancy cars or holidays as a result ! But - I was very aware at the time that this decision might potentially leave me feeling isolated .... but really felt in a Catch 22 situation. The benefit for me going back to work would have been the opportunity to use my brain, see my friends, feel like yes, I was intelligent really, but the downside was that I'd have been very very tired, the house would have been a tip, my baby would be with a stranger, my teenager would have been in and out of the house on his own for a lot longer than I'd have felt happy about and so on and so on. With such a dismal return, we were also conscious of the effect on my car and how we'd afford a new one if the need arose.
I think things would have been very different if a) we could have afforded to live close to where I worked (and closer to where DP worked) and b) we had a close relative willing and able to lend a hand with p/t childcare. Guess my dilemna is a modern one which must affect many others too. It's incredibly frustrating because there is absolutely nothing remotely equivalent to my old job in terms of fulfilment and/or wage close by, when it would have obviously been more feasible then. I feel washed up on the shore sometimes at the grand old age of 40 and with a 1st class degree - just useless ........ but logically, I do know deep down it's circumstantial.
To hear me "speak" you might think I was very career minded but I wasn't - I have always said I'll do anything if the money's right, I'm not snobby about it, but on the other hand I'm not going to work for a net pittance at the expense of my baby - there has to be some sort of balance. I know it has to be this way ... I know that practically, to go back to what I was doing is just never going to happen now .... but I do really regret the resultant lack of social life (even a "working" social life) that being a SAHM has meant for me personally. I was a single mum for 9 years till me & DP moved in together when we had our baby so never had much of a social life anyway but was respected and liked (I hope) at work. It's amazing how quickly people lose interest in you when you leave though ! I email some former colleagues but am increasingly feeling it's like getting blood out of a stone to get any sort of response back and have decided really to call that a day. Guess we have moved off in completely different directions now ......
Starrynight, I may well check out the NCT idea - I have absolutely no objection to meeting and chatting with other mums, hell no, if I did that'd make me a bit of a hypocrite , but, even with an eye on the kids milling about, I want to feel free to talk about anything and everything, and not just "child-related" stuff. I went to a couple of mum's groups years and years ago when my now teenage son was small but found it very cliquey - I know that saying that in itself is a bit of a cliche, but IME, found it to be true. Can remember standing in the middle of the room ('cos all the chairs were taken, some of them covered in other mum's bags ) with this stupid smile on my face and no one even had the grace to smile back, or move their stuff. You'd have thought that an organiser would have introduced newcomers to the rest but no ..... strange to say I never went back !