Slipery slope back to bulimia?

[justcantstop]

Used to be anorexic and then bulimic - this was years ago. Recently have been over eating, mainly in evenings. But nothing that hugely affects quality of life. Been very stressed recently and have had the desire to make myself sick. Have resisted, until this evening. Was really stressed out and in tears, tried a cigraette instead - they are much easier to give up than bulimia. But I have just made myself sick. I feel much calmer now. I am amazed at how easily I was able to do it.

All those familiar feelings of being able to focus on being sick instead of how I am feeling. Feel physically a bit shakey, and my throat hurts but I am glad I did it. I shouldn't though - I should feel ashamed and disgusted. Why has this given me such a thril? Sitting sipping cold water and I feel much better now I have got all this evenings food out of myself. I don't want to get in to this again, but its like a comfy old slipper.

Anyone been through similar?

[twoisplenty]

I am similar, although not with bulimia, but with anorexia. Haven't had it for years, but just been wary of eating the "right" things.

But, I have been going through a lot of emotional stuff with counselling, and here I am doing anorexic stuff.

And yes, it does feel like a comfy slipper. That's because it's my coping mechanism for when things get tough.

And it's your coping mechanism too.

Can you get rid of the stresses at all? Delegate anything? Do things to help you relax, to avoid getting so stressed?

Try not to think that this one event means you are turning back the clock, and will automatically be bulimic.

Start again tomorrow, but start thinking of a clear plan to create space for you. To find an outlet for the stress other than food.

That's what I am doing at the moment. And slowly, I can see some results with my stress levels. It hasn't affected the anorexia yet, but I think that it will. But I have been like this for 4 months now so it will take time, but for you it could be quicker seeing as this is the first time.

Does this help at all?

[justcantstop]

Thanks for your very honest reply. I am pleased that one of my first instincts after doing it was to come and tell someone - even if it is just on here as that goes against the usual secretiveness of eating disorders. I too have had counselling - was fairly recently and was hugely helpful in the way I view my family relationship as I had huge issues from childhood with that. While in counselling my eating improved but in the 10 sessions I had we didnt fit much in about ways to prevent binges. I feel it was right to focus on the emotions/feelings behind the eating issues but at the same time I feel using food when things go wrong - no matter what the issue - has become such a huge part of my life that it would have been helpful to look at that in more depth.

At the moment the stress is completely unavoidable, I dont want to elaborate too much for fear of outing myself but in a weeks time it will either have got worse or be better. If worse there are ways of dealing with it etc but somehow the waiting and not knowing I am really struggling with. I guess its the old control thing - at the moment I have no control over which way things will go. Usually if I feel that bad I can have a cigarette (have about 10 in a year, so its really a rare occurance) and I feel calmer. Tonight it didnt help and I have been very anxious and excessively cleaning and unable to sleep for more than a few hours at a time. I knew I would feel better if I threw up and I was right, I did. I am already planning how to restrict food intake today and thats giving me a buzz.

Sometimes I wish I could go back to being anorexic and then I read my old diaries...it was such a lonely way of life. So isolating and decietful. But then at least I had it, my familiar friend. But I obviously very thankfully I am not able to make myself have anorexic thoughts. I have always been a binger, even as an anorexic I would binge on a small chocolate bar.

How are you feeling about being back there? I am wondering about giving the eating disorders association a call today, I used to phone them as a teenager and they were always very supportive and its good to be able to talk about eating problems without the other person being shocked and telling you to stop.

[twoisplenty]

How are you today Justcantstop?

Before last night, when was the last time you considered yourself bulimic? You say the counselling helped with issues, but not indepth with avoiding the eating disorder. Do you think the counselling went deep enough to resolve your family issues? For me, I have been told my counselling could take a very long time to deal with childhood issues. So ten sessions doesn't seem much to me. Can you have access to more?

How am I feeling about being back there? It's a double edge sword isn't it? I hate it, it controls me, I am losing shed loads of weight, I feel ill. BUT it is comforting, it is mine, no-one else can interfere with it. And I feel better in some wierd way. That I am protected from the stresses of my life.

In reality I am worried about the weight loss, and my dh is horrified.

Today I tried to push myself a little bit, to eat just that bit more and eat something off my "list". But it didn't go too well, I got very stressed and panicky.

But I must keep trying. I don't actually want to lose weight. I just don't want to eat!

Small piece of advice: don't read your old diaries! They will just make you feel gloomy, and give yourself suggestions to make yourself ill again.

I am learning to look after myself such as having a leisurely bath in an evening, listen to uplifting music, have some time off to relax, visit friends etc. How about you?

[justcantstop]

Hiya. Well yesterday managed not to be sick but did cut back quite a bit - same today. Been a really hard day today stress wise. I phoned the EDA (well b-eat now) yesterday and they were good, I used to speak to them as a teenager and it was nice to be able to speak about it openly without getting that "oh my god dont throw up!" reaction that friends would give.

I am so stressed and not in control of other aspects of my life I am almost enjoying having something I can do well. I understand all that, and yet I am not actually sure I want to stop it. I know thats really silly but its true.

I would love to lose weight but oddly enough its not about that just now. I'm more focused on the control thing.

How have you been?

[twoisplenty]

Glad you found time to ring B-Eat, it is so good to be able to talk about it, I think it helps to get a calm perspective on it.

The need for control is the same for me. I didn't actually want to lose weight, in fact I didn't want to do anything with food but the fear of food just came from nowhere. Perhaps your need to purge came from nowhere? Once your stress levels have come down, and you feel more in control you can relax about food again.

I say this because just yesterday I started to feel better, I have had a calm week. And hey presto, last night the fog and fear cleared, and I could eat again. And it was delicious!! I am really hoping that feeling lasts, I can't wait for breakfast!

I know that, until the counselling has done its work, I will go in and out of anorexic behaviour, which is very disappointing. But I am going to make the most of food today!

My counsellor has never worried about the ed, she says it is a coping mechanism that works for me. And it will get better when I get better.

I think that's a good thing for you to take on board - try not to think of it as something wrong or shameful, or that it will last forever. But just your very own coping mechanism that is ok. Because you won't get really ill, you won't have this forever. It is just hanging around to protect you whilst the going is tough. Does that make sense?

Hope you have a good weekend.