GAMBLING as a COPING MECHANISM... How to cope when access to gambling has been stopped.

[MrsForgetful]

DH's parents died last year within 10 months of eachother.
DH 'coped' by gambling on machines in the bookies- till I discovered how much he was spending and he agreed to surrender his bank cards as he still feels he wants to gamble.

today he came home at 7 having been sat in the crematorium carpark from 3 till 6- then in a layby outside the crematorium when they shut the gates at 6.

we've talked (its the FIRST time ever he has admitted how depressed he feels...) so that is definitely a step forward.

however, i asked him if this is the first time this has happened- and he admitted that when he has felt like this before, he has gone gambling

again a step forward- him admitting the reason to gamble.

so i guess, he is mega down cos his usual way of coping (gambling) has been taken away- and logic tells me that he needs another 'safe' coping mechanism.

however, when you reach rockbottom it is impossible to want to do anything.

somone on here kindly helped me out last week- and i have been looking into my 'co-dependancy'... and something that i decided last week was that i had to stop tiptoeing around him to prevent him reaching rockbottom- and within a week he has crashed.

not really looking for advice---as this is so complex...just needed to vent my thoughts to people who have 'walked the walk'

[MrsForgetful]

also...he should have been at work when he was sat at the crematorium.

[DippyDino]

He needs to identify his triggers - times / places / situations where he feels he needs to gamble. Obviously as grief is a factor this may be pretty general.

I would definitely find out about some grief / bereavement counselling - CRUISE perhaps?

Then he needs to look at which triggers he can avoid (even so far as to change his commuting route to work so he doesn't go past the local betting shop, for example) and if he can't avoid a trigger, what he can do (other than gambling) which might be asking for support at that moment or doing an alterante activity, if that makes sense.

I do feel for you, dh's parents died a few years ago and he was quite literall crushed by the grief.

As for as walking the walk goes, I am an ex-heroin addict and I've been clean for just over 8 years. I know that sounds smug, but just trying to say that it may feel impossible, but if I can do it, anyone can.

Good Luck.

[madmouse]

Sounds like it was time he crashed - grief is awful and painful and a shite place to be but it is something you have to get through to get out the other side. So maybe he does not need another coping mechanism, maybe he needs some bereavement counselling to channel his feelings. Or even just face up to the grief to begin with. He needs to feel depressed, and sad, and hopeless and helpless for a while and then start to pick up the pieces. It's a process. You can't prevent it and he can only postpone it for so long.

[madmouse]

Oh and I have walked several walks, some of my own and a few next to my husband. And am pretty much in the middle of a long distance hike - if that makes any sense. Not that it makes my 'advice' more qualified, it doesn't. But I'm not taking lightly.

[MrsForgetful]

thankyou BOTH for sharing so personally.

have just phoned him- he is at work- and he has arranged to speak to his boss (to explain truthfully his absense from work yesterday)- and has already confided in a collegue.

all this is to me a huge thing as he 'never' talks to anyone about anything personal. he has always been so guarded.

thing is, we have such a complex life....
I have OCD, our 3 boys are all autistic/ADHD and several years ago DH wa sinvolved in a work accident that left him diagnosed with Post Traum.stress.dis- 2 years ago.

both of us have always enjoyed a gamble- an occaisional night at the casino- odd bets on horses...but this was so different- so isolating- shutting us out.

I have an obsessive personality- so have spent my life avoiding anything that i could get addicted to- and avoiding people and places that are 'risky'. (to avoid temptation)

so i find all this with DH so close to home.
but the good thing about it is i have insight that helps me stay where others would walk away.

I was under the care of the mental health team till i missed 2 psychiatrist appointments in june/july- so they discharged me. With that went the support.
my gp had also just reduced my prozac from 60mg to 40mg.... and i feel that i should be on the higher dose. so i think i need to book an appointment for next week and see if i can get some help for me.

[MIFLAW]

Has he tried GA?

Must say I never have, but throughout this story, you could replace the word "gamble" with "drink" and it would have been my old life - and AA worked for me.

Just an idea.