I am mostly just writing this because it needs to be out there.
I am so ashamed, but I need to admit it in order to stop. And I think I know how to stop now, too scared to get help in case my kids are taken away - cos I am a great mum really, really. But an utterly abusive mum sometimes.
I am a lovely, fabulous, fun, loving, sharing mother until I lose my temper. And then I hit my kids. I totally 100% don't think hitting kids is right, I think it is wrong. It doesn't make sense, I don't even believe in smacking YET I have lost it and quite regularly whacked them in anger. They are 3 and 1. Yes, I am crying now because it's so fucking ridiculous. I do ANYTHING for these kids and can't even protect them from myself. Tiny babies who I love soooo much and I hurt them and scare them.
I suffer massively from anxiety and had great tablets that helped (also making sure i eat properly too) but I feel like it makes me understand why my dad did EXACTLY the SAME thing to me - excpt my parents have told me that it was my fault because i was winding him up. well, I unerstand that the kids wind me up but it is NOT THEIR FAULT one bit. I am the adult and I need to stop and care for them.
So Enough. enough. enough. I have said this before but realised that I had not worked out a plan for what to do instead so this is my plan (and I tried it this morning and it worked).
*Like alcoholics/addicts etc - I am going to try for one day at a time (though I never want to hit them or lose it at them scarily ever again)
*when I feel the blood pressure rising, count to ten but thinking of objects - proper distraction. one elephant, two telephones, three balloons etc
*complete 'I am angry because...'
*complete 'what do i need to do now'
Am mostly writing this for my benefit, but feel free to lay into me. I deserve it. My kids deserve so much better, but I honestly feel that it should be ME looking after them, but a nicer, more improved me, that protects them better. I think I cna do it. ANd i have to do it. I need counselling too, i think. Scared to admit anything that puts my kids at risk of being taken away but am scared of not dealing with it. So this HAS TO WORK. AND IT WILL.
Please or to access all these features
Please
or
to access all these features
Mumsnet hasn't checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you have medical concerns, please seek medical attention.
Mental health
I am turning over a new leaf. Enough is enough.
14 replies
GladtobeAshamed · 26/11/2009 13:24
OP posts:
Please create an account
To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.