What would you say this is?

[arghiwantabreak]

So brief background;

Split up with H after very tumultuous few years. Still connection there but filing for divorce. Don't want to but need to.

Been carrying on with my LO, suffering stress, anxiety etc.

Been to therapy, anxiety related condition - OCD. Had terrible year so far of spiking, but been carrying on with everything.

All of a sudden, WHAM. Can't do it anymore. Can't cope. Functioning on the outside, smiling, people would think I'm fine, ok. Inside I'm literally dead. And now the inside is catching up with the outside.

I want to go and sleep for days, I need a break, I don't truly admit to people how I feel but my close family knows.

I'm doubting everything I've ever known, my faith, my life, I want to move, I feel trapped, I feel like I've failed, I have CONSTANT thoughts going round in my head where I can't get away from them unless I sleep.

People want to help me, I don't want help, I want to be left alone, I don't want to discuss it, I dont even know if I believe what I used to believe anymore but I can't cope with worrying about it because it's too much. I feel like I have to address everything but I can't. I want to stop worrying people I want to run away.

[QwertyQueen]

I am so sorry, I am unable to give you any guidance. I have heard of people becoming like this due to trauma....
I hope someone will come along and post and be able to help you.

[winnybella]

How long have you felt like this?
I wish I could help, but I think you need to see a therapist ASAP, if it's been going for a while.
You split up with your husband, you're going through a divorce, carrying for your lo...it's catching up with you. As lovely as MNetters are,a good therapist can help you much more efficiently.
FWIW I went through some v. stressful times,and my OCD was insane, while normally it's pretty much non-existent. Had periods of just wanting to sleep and not be bothered by anyone, as well.
Most importantly, please realise that whatever depressing thoughts you are having-that's what it is- it's your depression talking and not you. You can get it sorted.

[madmouse]

OCD is a coping/safety mechanism that has helped you to carry on while really you couldn't anymore. But as Winnybella says things have caught up with you. You sound emotionally and psychologically exhausted.

You may not want help but you do need help. If you can't get help for you get it for your LO who needs mummy. Go see your GP and tell him/her how you feel.

It would be strange if after all this you did not question your faith - I am a vicar's wife with a strong faith of my own but that too has had major wobbles recently - it happens and is normal.

In fact everything you describe sounds normal to me in the circumstances you are in. Try not to feel you need to address everything. Focus on getting dressed in the morning and smiling at your little one plus making sure you both eat. That's the basics covered. One step at a time.

Wishing you well.

[arghiwantabreak]

THanks. I have felt like this for a about two years.

It doesn't get any better. Been having counselling for about seven months or so.

I've got to make the decision, I've got to do what I need to do to make myself better and I can't do it, I'm stuck. It's fear or whatever which is making me feel like this.

I am so fed up with it.

Now I know my family are worrying about me it makes me feel worse I don't want anyone to worry about me or the choices I make. I can't take knowing that.

I feel like - nothing - .

[madmouse]

So what happens at counselling? Seven months is a long time to have counselling if you do not feel any progress. What type of counselling is it?

And yes loved ones worrying about me I found the hardest thing to deal with out of everything. I wanted them to stop worrying. I did not feel worth it. In your case it seems them worrying puts pressure on you to get better but you don't know how to do it.

I have no real advice for you other than maybe it is time for a ood review session with your counsellor.

[alypaly]

ooh argh...i do feel for you. Been there myself,split up with my 2 DS's dad when they were 5.5 and 1.5yrs God it was tough. I hit rock bottom like you.I had counselling,pills,ended up in hopsital with sever depression for 3 months. I feel numb now,but deep down really depressed. Im like you,dont show it,everyone thinks im ok. But im not...would really like a close friend just to say that i will be ok long term. I feel so lonely having brought up my boys alone. I wonder when it will get any easier.
Im sorry if this is no help.

[KC11]

Hi. You poor woman. I do sympathise with how you feel. I feel like that too. I am having Cognitive Behavioural Therapy and he's going to use EMDR (look it up on search engine) Emotional something something something. I feel like I don't know if I want to shower and wash my hair even though it looks dirty. I think to myself that it does not matter to me whether i do or don't. But the bit you mention about putting a brave face on sounds very familiar. I do think you need to tell your therapist that things have escalated for you and that you perhaps need to try a different therapy with him or her. Don't change therapists as you've covered so much ground already. It would be a shame to start again with someone new.

I do get completely down and in a mess in my own head. No one can see this and I make a good job of hiding it but I have reached the point just 4 days ago that I needed to make a change in my life if its going to worth living. I don't actually feel suicidal but I know that I have to act now and that's a massive thing to admit to oneself. I really id the hardest step. I feel shameful about needing to see a therapist but i do see that i need to do it regardless. Do you have a close family member you can confide in about how you truly truly feel? the real truth? If you can;t do that then your therapist is the one to talk to. Be totally honest with him or her. they won't judge you they wo't be hurt or embarrassed. I do have some problems thjat I can't talk to my parents about but I can talk to the therapsit openly and it really really helps me. It's gradual but it works. Good luck my friend. We're here to support you.

[onepieceoflollipop]

I am not a doctor so can't diagnose (and wouldn't anyway on the internet ), but I am a mental health nurse.

Some of the symptoms you describe sound like depression, and/or an adjustment reaction. This would be a separate issue to the OCD/anxiety.

I would suggest if you feel significantly worse than you did before, you see your GP and if appropriate ask for a referral to the mental health services (crisis team or whatever equivalent is in your area) Someone can talk to you face to face about your symptoms and concerns and advise you further.

Hope you find the support you need.

[proudestmummyever]

Hi argh, I couldn't not post here, you sound very like me...I have severe OCD and depression which gets worse in stressful situations, I first got severe ocd/postnatal depression just before the birth of my 1st LO, it was horrific...it carried on for years, I saw a pyschiatrist and was put on AD's(citalopram), then when I had my other LO who is now 2.9 yrs I went off the rails with severe ocd/postnatal depression, it was a million times worse than the first time, I still have it, and am still on AD's and diazepam, as my youngest is disabled and so ths doesn't help my ocd/depression, I also suffer terrible thoughts and was CONVINCED I was gonna act on them, itz truly terrifying, and I was petrified, but secnd time around I saw a psychologist, and she was just amazing, could tell her anything, I would advise a pyschologist, definitely. First, go to yr gp, I even had CPN's coming out to the house(community pyschiatric nurses), I still get my OCD when I am stressed out and suffer on a daily basis still

I am here anytime u need to talk, I know hw awful it is, and soo scary, especially the terrible thoughts, everythin is a battle, but believe me you will get through this if I can, you can, how are u today? Hope yr feeling a bit better xxx