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Wish I'd never had children

(13 Posts)
Tiredoffeelingsad Sat 17-Oct-09 10:54:36

Where do I start? I'm 42, and have two DC's aged 3 and 19 months. 4 years ago when I met their father (he has two children from a previous marriage now aged 8 and 13) I had a good job, part-owned a flat in London. He was getting over his divorce and although he had his children around every other weekend and every other day in the week (he has joint custody with their mother), we had a good life...meals out, drinks, weekends in the park, cosy evenings in...nothing flash but the usual couple stuff. I
I thought he was solvent and although not rich, not in serious debt. Anyway, it has gradually over the years become apparent that he is in lots of debt (around £35,000) on various credit cards/loans.
All this has led to a spiralling in our quality of life and home situation. We have moved 4 times since the eldest child was born, to ever cheaper rented places and have now ended up living in a tiny terraced house in a rough area of SE London with his mother and step-father in order to sort out our money worries. I gave up my job when DC1 was 11 months old as it was costing me more in childcare fees to send her to nursery than my salary was bringing in.
I am now a SAHM in someone else's house. The step-father is old and in ill health and sits in the back room all day and I am so lonely and depressed. My new life seems to be a daily slog of drudgery, tedium, repetitive boring tasks, loneliness and depression. We go out to toddler groups although my DC1 is not keen on them just so we can get out of the house and I can talk to somebody. We have a friend nearby although she works part-time and her children are a little older.
I know I should be grateful to have my family but I feel so down and sad all the time. When DP's kids stay the house is so crowded and I feel suffocated. I have always needed my own time and space and I never hardly have any now.
I blame DP for getting us into this mess and
wrongly and unfairly blame my two little children for the sad state of my life.
I feel so selfish and pathetic yet I can't seem to lift myself out of this awful depression.
Any words of advice? Thanks

LittleMarshmallow Sat 17-Oct-09 11:05:02

I don't have any words of advice just didn't want this to go unanswered. I think everyone feels like this at some point. I know I have.

silentcatastrophe Sat 17-Oct-09 11:11:09

It sounds awful. While your little ones are still little, can you contact your HV and tell her how you feel. Hvs are a mine of help and information and support. Your gp should be able to help as well.

Don't let it run. It sounds as though you have been miserable for a while, and you sound terribly lonely.

I get very frustrated with no time or space to think. You need to get support in place and deal with the depression first, then you can start finding ways to grab moments for yourself.

Tiredoffeelingsad Sat 17-Oct-09 11:23:09

I have been teetering on te brink of making an appointment with the GP to discuss my depression but my partner thinks anti-depressants won't help. His ex-wife took them for many years and he's wary of them and feels they make people worse or just numb them to their problems and ability to deal with them.
I must add that DP is supportive but he is getting depressed with me as well. He dreads coming home to me as I am so miserable as well as angry and fustrated (with my life) and feels ashamed of me with his mother and step-father. I am often sullen, quiet and withdraw upstairs as much as I can which I accept does nothing for family harmony. It is all just a mess...I'm a mess, I appear to be coping to the outside world but inside I'm really struggling. Every day I wake with a feeling of both dread and anxiety. Getting the kids ready tests my patience and I am obsessed with tidying and cleaning up after them and myself that I can never relax. My MIL has never commented on any mess we make but you can imagine that 4 (sometimes 6) extra people in their modest home, two of them toddlers has made a big impact.

Besom Sat 17-Oct-09 11:24:02

So sorry you're feeling like this.

It's no wonder from what you're describing that you feel resentful and trapped in the situation. As LM says, it's common to feel a bit like that with young children.

It sounds as if not having your own space is a big factor. Have you been for debt counselling? If not, I think professional help to try to sort out your finances could be useful.

Have you told dh how you are feeling? You need to get together to work out how to change aspects of your situation so you can start to see a way out of this. Is he one for burying his head in the sand? Just from what you have said about the debts it sounds as if he could be?

If the sadness is pervasive, I would think about talking to your GP about it. It's difficult but I had treatment for depression last year and I'm so glad I went for help, because things are looking a whole lot brighter now.

Then you need to look for ways to feel more like yourself again. Even if it's just simple stuff that you used to do, but don't prioritise now.

Best wishes to you. X

Besom Sat 17-Oct-09 11:26:36

X post with you Tired.

Really think about going to GP, discuss the meds, but they may offer you counselling as well.

Tiredoffeelingsad Sat 17-Oct-09 11:43:09

Besom, yes, he does bury his head in the sand to a degree. He is also an optimist who has been telling me that I just need to relax, try and count my blessings (my two lovely children) and look forward to the future when we will have our own home again.
Partly though because he has been vague in the past about how much debt we are actually in (although I now believe I know the full extent now), I am not sure I believe we'll ever get back on our feet. We often go out at weekends to get away from the inlaws and have some privacy as a couple, we inevitably end up spending money we can't afford to really.
Just before I found out I was expecting DC2 he broke the news to me in tears that he could no longer afford for us to stay in our rented house. This was just after Christmas time and after he'd treated us to a "luxury" christmas...expensive gifts, champagne etc.
That led us to move in with his father and step-mother. We only lasted a few months there as it was clear we were not really wanted and I couldn't bear bringing my new baby into such a tense atmosphere. I begged DP to move out into another (cheaper) rented house but after a few months DP's bonuses were cut at work and we couldn't afford to stay...so we have ended up here.
I crave stability, my own home, no matter how modest and most of all some privacy, a small piece of my life back away from the kids and to not have crushing money worries all the time. The only positive is the children seem happy enough, unaffected by my moods and the upheaval in their young lives and enjoy having more people around them in the evenings.
I keep thinking if only I hadn't had my second child maybe we could have mnanaged...the eldest is soon to start pre-school in Janauary and we might not be in this situation. BTW the MIL works full time as do the other grandparents so asking them at the moment to childmind whilst I got a job is not possible.

Besom Sat 17-Oct-09 12:08:06

I take it you can't get housing benefit? If you haven't been already I'd definitely think about going to some sort of money advice place. Your local council may run one, or the CAB.

spaghettiwithherbybutter Sat 17-Oct-09 12:32:03

Don't avoid anti-depressants just because your partner didn't feel they worked for his ex-wife (do you know what she thinks about them?). You need to do what's right for you, and they may help you. Also, it doesn't sound as though you have any problems you're not dealing with - it sounds as though dealing with the problems is what is hard. If you are feeling pervasive sadness and anxiety then anti-depressants could help you - and I wouldn't turn down any counselling too - different people have so many different factors affecting things like this that there's really no reason to generalise from your partner's ex's experience to yours - you could have a totally different experience with them.

I hope things improve for you soon - it does sound as though some debt counselling if you haven't had it before could be a good idea. If your partner as the main secret spender is in sole charge of your finances then I would be a bit concerned if that was me - optimism is all well and good but too much living in the moment is very bad if you're trying to repay debts. I can understand you needing to get away at weekends - maybe if you were feeling happier due to anti-depressants you'd find it easier to cope and spend less in that way, so it might help that way too.

It does sound awful and depressing, but hopefully when your children are eventually at school you may be able to speed up the getting back on your feet by working again yourself. In the meantime if I were you I would want to keep a very close eye on the finances - to be in charge of them really - and I would definitely consider anti-d's because you do sound depressed - you definitely don't sound pathetic at all. It's a very very hard situation to be in and it would be natural for anyone to be made depressed by it over time. I do hope things get better for you soon.

Tiredoffeelingsad Sat 17-Oct-09 17:21:59

Thank you for the replies. It's helped to write things down and to hear your replies.
I know I'm depressed as very little in life gives me any pleasure at the moment...even my kids although they can still make me smile.
Apart from our serious money worries I suspect I'm not cut out to be a SAHM. Although I love my children I find being on my own with them for most of the day on my own so lonely and isolating.
Does anyone else feel/or felt this way?

Drooper Sat 17-Oct-09 18:11:53

You have been through a really tough time and the way you are feeling is probably a natural consequence of that.

House moves and money worries are stressful enough on their own, let alone with the massive changes having two small children brings.

I wonder if you have some unresolved PND that has been exacerbated by these stresses.

Seeking advice and help from your GP is really important to help manage your low mood and give you the energy to deal with everything else.

Seek financial advice asap, maybe even bankruptcy would be a positive step for you.

Try www.moneysavingexpert.com/
for advice.

Also consider approaching the council for help with housing and rent.

Good Luck with it all- it will be better.

flakecake Sat 17-Oct-09 20:12:20

Hi Tiredofbeingsad,

Seems you don't know how to work the system? Well, I have gained a little knowledge. Seems to me you should have gone to the council and presented yourself as homeless. As you have children under 18, maybe not the council, but Social services have a duty to house you. Could be temporary accomodation for a while, but this could be a flat. Have you registared with the council and told them your situation?

I wasn't made to be a stay at home mum eighter, it's so boring. With any relationship if you are together 24/7 it gets too much.

flakecake Sat 17-Oct-09 20:16:18

Hi Tiredofbeingsad,

Seems you don't know how to work the system? Well, I have gained a little knowledge. Seems to me you should have gone to the council and presented yourself as homeless. As you have children under 18, maybe not the council, but Social services have a duty to house you. Could be temporary accomodation for a while, but this could be a flat. Have you registared with the council and told them your situation?

I wasn't made to be a stay at home mum eighter, it's so boring. With any relationship if you are together 24/7 it gets too much.

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