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Oh no....I'm nearly 20, childless and I've just...

(5 Posts)
LollipopViolet Thu 24-Sep-09 19:51:14

Emailed the Samaritans. I'll post what I wrote to them since it's all anonnymous, but aaaargh I feel so weak!
This is the first time I've ever needed to do this, so please bear with me.

I am nearly 20 years old, a university student and I am incapable, or so it seems, of keeping friendships going.

I struggle in social situations, and 5 years of bullying through senior school nearly led me to suicide. This affected me through college, I couldn't make any friends, and now the same thing has happened at university.

I have one close group of friends from school, but our interests are different so there are lots of times they socialise without me. One girl I have been very close with, but she has now starting socialising with a 16 year old girl. This friend is generally very immature, but that's sort of what I like about her. So, she's going out with this other girl, and although I've met her a few times, I'm now being excluded again.

Tonight, another friend posted on her status that she was off out with the above friend. I usually go out with them and an invite is usually sent my way. So far tonight, nothing. I'm spending my nights alone, because I don't really go clubbing like everyone at uni, and I feel like I've got no one in the world. I always feel really hurt when I'm not included, and I sometimes wonder if I've got some social disorder that would explain my social ineptitude.

I am going to join a society at uni tomorrow and hope I don't alienate them like I have everyone else in my life. I would cease contact with this friend, but I don't drive, and love to skate, so when we have a local ice rink at Christmas we always go a lot, and the rink isn't on a bus route so without her, I'm pretty much housebound. I don't drive due to visual impairment. I have put so much into friendships, emotionally, and also financially, helping this girl out with petrol money and bowling, lunch, not all the time, but often enough that it should be reciprocated.

She sent me a chain text on my 18th birthday, and only said happy birthday several days later. She is always calling people her best friend, and after over 7 years of friendship, this hasn't happened to me.

Sometimes I think I just wasn't meant to have a life outside this house.

Signed,

Serious Loner in Ice Skates.

COMPLETELY pathetic, but tonight has just been one of THOSE nights!

thumbwitch Thu 24-Sep-09 19:59:49

Sad for you but here are my suggestions:

1. Lose the negative attitude - it probably shines forth from you like a beacon and makes people wary of you (as in, you can't possibly want to be my friend, no one hangs around me for long, look what a sad loner/loser I am)
2. You sound a bit like my sis - falls over herself to be uber-friendly/helpful to others and then is upset when people fail to respond/ return the favour - she doesn't have many friends either because her expectations of them are too high
3. Be casual - you might be coming across as very needy in terms of friendship - that is as offputting to potential friends as to potential partners.

I remember all too well the pain of being excluded from events by people who I expected to invite me - it takes a long time to grow a thick enough skin to get over it but the only thing you can realistically do is go and find something else to do with someone else - which you are doing by joining your new social club. GOod luck - and remember, be cool about things. (not in any particularly trendy sense, I mean be cool and casual, not too over-eager)

B1984 Thu 24-Sep-09 20:31:44

ok,here is my opinion.it seems to me that your friend isn`t apprecating you and is using you for petrol,and stuff!!i presume she only contacts you when she needs something.well,you need to ditch her slowly and find some new friends,don`t make yourself available to her.i know its easier said then done,but joining a club is a very good idea.find something that you like doing and you will meet like minded people,not all 20year olds like clubbing,you`d be surprised.some like reading,skating,salsa...
I had a period in my teenage life where i felt excluded,but a change of surrounding helped me,so maybe change of people you have around you would help you transform,be yourself and free.wish you well!

Ghanamafia Thu 24-Sep-09 20:49:15

Uni can be very, very hard, Lolli. Sometimes it can feel like one long popularity contest. Being on your own can make you feel very uncomfortable and conspicuous.

I agree with thumbwitch though about not having expectations that are too high. Why not try all the groups and activities you can without focusing too much on making friends-let it be enough to have chatted to or got on with people that evening, or during the meeting, and build things up slowly. Once you have found people you get on with, make sure you also initiate things as well as responding to their invitations.

Remember though, that most people may have quite a lot of friends but only very few close friends who are true confidantes. It wouldn't be realistic to expect to make really close friendships quickly or with very many people.

I would now cross the road to avoid half the people I hung around with at Uni but they were very good fun at the time! They would probably say the same about me. Flitting from group to group had its uses: when one friend was being annoying I could hang out with other people until things calmed down.

Good luck with it all.

flakecake Sun 11-Oct-09 20:12:03

Hi, well you are so young, I hope you can stop worrying about not having a child? Trust me, you will need lots of loving support with a young baby, so please try to enjoy your studies. I have found that nothing remains the same forever. So you are lonely now, but next year could be a whole new ball game!
You be choosey about who you choose to care about. It sounds like you need to attend to your spiritual life to...You know, do yoga, go to Church, help others.
I was very very lonely for a good five years before my daughter was born, I know it is painful, but now, I've so many friends sometimes I don't even pick up my mobile!
Good Luck!

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