I am destroying myself with guilt and despair over a hopeless situation

[celly]

I can,t go on like this as I feel as though I am going crazy and I know that I can,t continue like this for the rest of my life.
I started ttc over 2 years ago and was eventually diagnosed with premature menopasue at the age of 37 and a very slim chance of pregnancy.
Despite this I have continued ttc but its not happening and I know that now I am 39 years of age that any chance of a 2nd dc has just fittled away completely.
I can,t get over it and the despair, desperation, I feel is overwhelming me each and every waking minute of my day.
I knew that there was early menopasue in the family and I didn,t push enough for my dp to agree to another dc as he wasn,t keen and now this is the situation I find myself in.
I also hadn,t realsied how painful it may be if I didn,t have another dc and the hurt from finding out about hopeless hormone levels that sort of thing.
My feelings are so bottled up and I feel as though I have nobody to share them with.
I just can,t believe I let it get to this, I blame myself for not ttc earlier, now I will never have the chance of a daughter and my ds who is aged 6 will never have a sibling.
I wasn,t ready for this to see the end of my childbearing years.
I can,t even bear the sight of a pregnant woman or babies, I can,t even watch adverts on telly advertising baby products.
I keep thinking back to my lost fertile years where I could have had the family I really wanted.
I am crying about it every day.
I have been to one counselling session but I don,t think they knew what to say to me.
I would have thought a year after my diagnossis I would have started to accept and move on but I don,t seem to be able to.
I just can,t believe I will never experience a pregnancy again and have another child to cherish.
What am I going to do I am so desperate to scream out at family that I need someone to talk to about this but I have been putting on a brave face and I am sure everyone thinks that I am okay.
I know that I am lucky to have my ds and that some women don,t even have one but it doesn,t seem to bring me much consulation.
I am just exisitng along with this hanging over me day in and day out and still I keep imagining that I may have fallen pregnant.
I really need some help I am fearful of carrying this around for ever.

[tyotya]

Celly, I am not a counsellor, but it seems to me that you are not to blame for 'leaving it too late'. It is not normally possible to produce children to order. Even if you started ttc several years earlier, you might not have conceived.

I remember someone once asked our Sunday School teacher why she hadn't got any children of her own. Her reply was 'God hasn't seen fit to bless us with children'. Even if you don't believe in God, it might help if you realise that some things are just not meant to be, it's not your fault, and perhaps one day you'll know why Fate decreed otherwise.

Hope this helps. xx

[twoisplenty]

Celly, I have only just found your thread. I can only say that if you have been to counselling, if you felt you didn't connect with your counsellor, then please find another. I have just started counselling, about 6 weeks ago, and I have full confidence in her. I know she will get me to a better place.

You can't keep all of your thoughts/guilt/worries to yourself. They will destroy any happiness you deserve. It's important to talk to someone who can help. I don't think it's enough to start talking to family, because they will not have the tools to help you feel better. You deserve to feel well and to enjoy each day.

If you keep things to yourself, you could be in danger of becoming depressed maybe?

Please try counselling again - a good counsellor will know what to say, and will help you find ways of coping and more importantly, accepting your situation.

HTH.