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Very depressed and suicidal

(21 Posts)
SuperNannyUK Thu 02-Jun-05 17:03:13

I don't want to bore you but I really need a moan.

First of all, when I was 18 I was forced but my mother to have an abortion. This has made me so unhappy and I really hate her for this, although she says I would not have coped with a baby, I know I would have as people do cope. I had no say in this and it's really affected my life.

Secondly, I was with a man for 3 years who I loved very much, but about a month into the relationship I found out he lived with a woman and her kids (not his) and they were a couple and had been for some time. I went mad and ended it, but he came begging and of course, we got back together, him promising all the time to leave her, but he never did. We have now been split for about a month (I ended it) and have no plans to go back to him at all, even tho he asks me to go visit him whenever we speak on the phone.

Thirdly, my mum critisises me for EVERYTHING. I mean, I suffer from depression and some days, I wake up and cannot do a thing in regards to housework but vow to do them later on. Then when she gets home, she has a right go that I have not done a thing, but when I do the housework and have the house really sparkling, she comes on and dumps her stuff everywhere, making all my efforts undone. Also, when i'm in a strop because of the depression, she has a go at me telling I'm so moody, and that I can help the depression and that I should stop right now. I wish I could, but she thinks sufferers can just turn it off like that.

Fourthly, my mother has been chatting on the internet to ppl on a chat site since I introduced her to the net about 3 yrs back. She met this guy living in Kosovo on a chat site and now chats to him on msn messenger which has been happening about a year. She will not go without one single night chatting to him (they chat for about 4 hrs per night - it used to be from 7pm til about 4 in the morning until he had to start using a internet cafe because his home one broke) and will not go out because of this. She is so obsessed, she sends presents over and has spent about £100 on him, she even sent his mum and sister £20 for their birthdays. Last week, she even went as far as to buy some aftershave on ebay. I said, 'oh, your not sending him another present are you' and she said 'no, its for me - he wears this aftershave and I want to know what he smells like'. She has applied for a visa for him to come over and spend six months in our home. I asked, why cant he come over for just a week, and she just went mad at me. I have told her it's invading my space but she went mad at that too and asked how many times my boyfriend has been to stay, but that was different because I met him thru work, was dating him ages before he came to my house. The visa has not come thru yet, so she is booking 2 weeks to kosovo in september and is asking me to come and goes mad, swearing etc when I say no.

Is she obssesed or is it just me being insensitive?

I feel so pissed off

Enid Thu 02-Jun-05 17:05:45

what a sad post. how old are you now?

phucknuckle Thu 02-Jun-05 17:08:00

She is obsessed by the sound of it, but unfortunatly you are her daughter, it is her house really, and she is not going to listen to a word you say on the matter. I know that is hard to hear, but it is true. To her you are still a little girl.

I found my relationship with my mother improved beyond measure when i moved out!

essbee Thu 02-Jun-05 17:09:50

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Tissy Thu 02-Jun-05 17:11:30

I was going to say the same thing- you need to move out! Your mother is entitled to do what she likes- if she wants to spend her own money and make a fool of herself over a man then it's her own lookout, you won't be able to change her mind.

Do you have a job at the moment? (I'm assuming you're a nanny?)

SuperNannyUK Thu 02-Jun-05 17:21:01

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

SuperNannyUK Thu 02-Jun-05 17:24:58

and I think about suicide every day. I have attempted 4 times with paracetamol and done my wrists once in the last 2 years or so each time obviously failing but one making me feel very ill.

essbee Thu 02-Jun-05 17:25:42

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essbee Thu 02-Jun-05 17:26:26

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SuperNannyUK Thu 02-Jun-05 17:27:15

its ok essbee, i understand what u mean, although I did live-in nanny work last year in dorset and felt so happy and content with life, I just came back because employer was taking advantage of me.

Enid Thu 02-Jun-05 17:27:51

are you on antid's?

what on earth are you thinking of applying for a job looking after kids if you are still in this much of a state?

I think you need to get your head sorted out before you think about moving away from home.

You need to understand that your mums life is her own and you cannot change her.

SuperNannyUK Thu 02-Jun-05 17:28:18

and I would never do anything silly with children in my care, or even show that I am unhappy.

essbee Thu 02-Jun-05 17:30:03

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SuperNannyUK Thu 02-Jun-05 17:30:54

ok - so what am i supposed to do edid? stay unemployed, never be able to move out and so the vicious circle continues? I love my work and that is what makes me happy. No I am not on AD's - the doctor wont re-register me when I moved back up from my last job.

essbee Thu 02-Jun-05 17:32:22

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Enid Thu 02-Jun-05 17:32:36

so are you saying you only feel suicidal when you are at home?

in which case you need to get out - can't you take another job to move out?

SuperNannyUK Thu 02-Jun-05 17:38:29

I didnt go to hospital with them - with 2 of them nothing happened, with 1 of them I was very sick and woozy the next day and with the other one, I blacked out the day after while riding back from a friends on the bus and came round abotu 2 hrs later.

I dont think I do feel suicidal at work. I am only suicidal here because there is never anything to make me feel good about myself, just always negative comments, but when I work as a live-in, I dont say I dont feel down sometimes, but to feel appreciated and noticed that I'm doing some good work makes me happy and valued.

SuperNannyUK Thu 02-Jun-05 17:59:30

just what is the point in living?

phucknuckle Thu 02-Jun-05 18:05:14

You need to seek professional help. if you cannot get to a dr today, go directly to A and E and refuse to leave until you are seen.

There are no professional psychiatric workers on mumsnet as far as I know, and if you feel suicidal, you need to be under the care of a professional.

They will not tell you to stop being silly, or to pull yourself together.

essbee Thu 02-Jun-05 18:14:11

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charlie72 Thu 02-Jun-05 18:20:06

SuperNannyUK

You sound so unhappy - from what you've said I think living at home isn't doing you any good at all - you're feeling bad enough without your mum putting you down all the time. Can you apply to your local authority to see about getting your own place??? or maybe stop with a friend or another relative for a while??

I agree with essbee - finding a gp to help or refer you is really important.

How long have you been living back at your mums??? Has your depression started recently or has it been long term - you're obviously resentful of your mum for her making you terminate your pregnancy & I think that without outside help, you may not get over your depression and this vicious circle will go on indefinately.

Sorry if I'm talking pants - I've no experience of depression (fed up & pissed off in general like, but no depression) so really can't offer any personal advice.

Lots of luck

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