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Could I have PND even tho baby is 16 mths old?

(12 Posts)
jebbieD Wed 02-Sep-09 10:22:01

Life is hard for everyone at the moment but I can't stop crying and feeling totally hopeless.
I am embarrassed to admit this, but not getting the baby's nappy on right can reduce me to sobbing. Yesterday I cried in the corner for half an hour because the baby wouldn't go into his high chair for lunch.
I get absolute rage over nothing and blame my partner for everything.
I feel like I can't change anything. I hate myself so much. I am an embarrassment to myself and wouldn't blame my partner if he hates me. I love my wee boy to bits and wouldn't harm a hair on his head but sometimes I feel like hitting my head against the wall (I did once).
My partner doesn't do heart-to hearts. I tried to explain my feelings last night - a cry for help - and got absolutely nothing back. He just said he didn't know what I wanted him to say. He works away a lot and I have been on my own a lot with the baby. I work three days a week and do everything to get us out the door and back which is stressful as my job can run over time and I never know if I'm going to make it to the nursery. I called in sick today because I couldn't face them all and their perfect lives. Everyone seems to be doing better than me. I feel like a rubbish mum even though I love him so much, I feel he deserves a better happier mummy. Do I need to just give myself a kick up the bum or could there be more to it? I don't know where to start getting help. Maybe someone to talk to. I don't really have anyone. My sister is really busy and has 4 kids and my mum doesn't speak to us. Sorry for the moan, I feel like a right misery.

Paranoid1stTimer Wed 02-Sep-09 11:14:02

I honestly could have written a lot of what you have just written. I have made an appt to go see GP and talk to them about feeling like this as I have been feeling like this for a looonnngggg time now (DS is 18 months).

I also have no one to talk to. OH is fed up of me being like this and sometimes seems like he just wants to tell me to shut up and get on with it. He doesnt do heart to hearts either. My mum died just before I found out I was pregnant and OH mum hates me so I have no mother figure either. It is so hard. Especially when other mums are always with their mums and say how much more you appreciate your mother when you have kids... I totally understand this and wish my Mum was still with me. I would even love to have a relationship with MIL.

Anyway, I have struggled with feeling like you do for months now - I was a bit susceptible to mild depression before I even thought about getting pregnant - and I have just decided I DO NOT WANT to be this person any more. DS doesn't deserve a gibbering wreck for a mother and I hate myself so I am going to GP. If they don't help me I know I will just feel even worse but I can't go on like this.

Good luck with whatever you choose to do. I totally empathise with you and hope you get the answers you need. Someone will prob be along with something a bit more helpful than just "Yeh, me too" like I have just done but I just identify so much with what you say that I couldnt just leave you unanswered.

jebbieD Wed 02-Sep-09 12:38:43

Thanks - that really helped. I think we are living the same life! - my oh's mum died four weeks before the baby was born - it was hellish - especially as she would have been the best granny you could wish for.
Think I will try to get appt with GP. Left a message with the health visitor but no reply from them.
Let me know how you get on. Good luck. I bet you are a brilliant mum.
x

danthe4th Wed 02-Sep-09 12:56:01

I bet you are both brill mums,reading your stories is so sad you shouldn't be feeling so crap, jebbie go to the doctors and get some happy pills to help you through, get signed off work for a while and enjoy your baby. Take one step at a time. Its a horrible feeling when you lose control of how you feel.You need to get out to some toddler groups, try your local childrens centre there are people there who will listen to you,and you may make some new friends, sometimes thats all you need a bit of support and some helpful suggestions to get back on track. Life with children is such an emotional rollercoaster, I don't suffer from depression but I have really down days when I just want to switch off, its normal, but i'm able to get out and talk to other mums at toddler groups and usually by the end of the day i'm feeling better. My husband usually takes the brunt, but thats normal as well.
I bet those other mums don't all have perfect lives either, most of us just put acts on even when feeling crap, I expect you can do it too so you need to tell people how you feel sometimes to give others a chance to support you.
Good luck I hope you start to feel better soon and this is just another phase.x

mummytopebs Thu 03-Sep-09 10:18:52

It is not to late to get pnd x I felt like this and also started suffering from panic attacks, all ended in me having a nervous breakdown when dd was 2.5 this was put down to undiagnosed pnd. Please go to the doctors and tell them how you are feeling x My dd is now 4 and my life is completly different and i feel so happy and confident again x

Paranoid1stTimer Fri 04-Sep-09 11:34:09

Hi jebbieD. Hope you are feeling ok today. Just wanted to let you know, I had my GP appointment and what a struggle it was to actually keep the appt and not chicken out. I had to take LO with me cos I couldnt get a babysitter. He was so busy playing with the toys that I didn't realise the time for my appt coming up until GP called my name. Walking down the corridor with my prewritten issues on a page of A4 (was hard to keep to the main points and get it down to 1 page of A4!) my heart was beating out of my chest and I felt like I was slowing down as if I didnt want to walk into her room.

Anyway, I basically outlined what I wrote to you earlier in this thread, starting off with how I didn't feel I could get it all out without breaking down in from of DS so had written it for her instead. She actually was so kind and gentle with me, stating that she wanted to commend me for going through with the appt and putting everything down so clearly. She asked me a few questions that she had to ask which I think were just to ensure I wasn't thinking of harming myself or that I was actually very depressed. We talked things through a little bit (obviously kept short since DS was with me) and she has made appt for me to have some counselling with the local mental health team and I have to go back for follow up appt in a months time with her. She doesn't want to go straight for meds as she doesn't think that would help just now until we see if the counselling helps first.

I have to say, it was really REALLY hard to actually keep that GP appt but as soon as I was sitting in the chair with the GP and I handed over that bit of paper with what I wanted to say, I felt a huge sense of relief as she read it from start to finish.

I do feel kind of relaxed now after it all. LO is down for his nap and I am typing this quite calmly for a change. Probably since I am completely emotionally wiped out after all that. I had to talk to the mental health nurse (she called me back when I got home) and they were just really calm and matter of fact about everything. Didn't make me feel like a failure or pathetic wimp that I believe I am. I have to get some reading material from them regarding self help and what happens next kind of stuff. Thats about it I think.

Anyway, I hope you get the support you need and the courage to talk to someone about how you are feeling if that is what you want to do. It took me a long time to get to this point and I wish I had done something sooner.

Well, I have waffled on enough I think so all the best and take good care of yourself.

jebbieD Sat 05-Sep-09 12:23:23

Hello Paranoid - well done. I am so glad you went through with it. I called the health visitor and she came out on Thursday. She's asked me to go to the GP which I have to do on Monday.
She left me a book on postnatal depression and I do think that's what's wrong now.
But my other half came home that night asked "are you still in a bad mood" and I just want to kill him. I tried to talk to him about what the HV said, but he sat on his laptop and said absolutely nothing - and said i'd been watching too much tv wanting to "talk" about things. I had to make him read the booklet after a huge argument and him walking out for fifteen minutes.
So basically he thinks I am making it up. I feel so hopeless and am wondering if I need to leave him, is it him or is it all really me and my fault?
Sorry for the rant - he has just said me and my "issues" are suffocating him.
I'd love to see what he would do if every single bit of his life was changed and nothing he did or said mattered to anyone.
Maybe the doc will sort me out. Maybe I need to get better and then leave the selfish sod.
It just breaks my heart for the wee one turning us into a penniless single parent family when he is only one year old.
God, this is shit!

Paranoid1stTimer Sun 06-Sep-09 23:47:59

Sorry, I've been away so missed your post. sorry your OH isnt supportive. I have been told to remember my partner is not my carer and is in fact my partner and that it is sometimes hard for them that we are depressed. I know, I know, we always have to think about what other people are feeling even though they dont give a shit about us. I think I know what you are talking about though as I often think i wanna get out and start again but the thought of being single parent kills me and I think it is maybe the depression talking when you just wanna get out and run away. You cant run away from yourself and your feelings though which is crap.

Best thing to do is not to make any big decisions until you have your head sorted out and have seen the GP you know? Sorry I aint much help but it is kinda the blind leading the blind innit? I have a friend who is the same as me and I have recently realised that when we bitch and moan to each other about everything, we are actually helping each other to stay in the depression and anxiety situation.

Good luck at the GP. I hope they help. Hang on in there n be nice to yourself even if you feel everyone else is being a big shit. That is what I am attempting to do.... Sorry I am no help!!!! Just nice to know you are not alone I suppose.

alypaly Wed 09-Sep-09 20:29:12

mummytopebs... i was the same too..had panic attacks which were horrendous. \Called the doctor out about 3 times as i was so bad. Kept thinking i was going to faint and pass out or even die. Had a nervous breakdown when DS1 was 12 months... the medical profession reckon if depression carries on 6 months after delivery, it is true post natal rather than baby blues. was in hospital 3 months for breakdown and 5 years of strong antidepressants as i hardly slept for 5 years...still hardly sleep now... maybe 3-4...5 hours if i am lucky

AngeChica Wed 09-Sep-09 21:12:30

This was me 2 months ago. Couldn't stop crying, work and home life suffering, relationship with DH teetering on the brink of disaster. Feeling like a terrible useless mum. I wanted to get better for the sake of my DS, now 19 months, I did not want to cry in front of him any more - so I plucked up the courage to go to docs. I have been on Citalopram for 8 weeks and had 4 appointments so far with a Community Psychiatric nurse who is referring me for further counselling and mood management techniques. The antidepressants made me feel spaced out for a few days but now I no side effects whatever, I was terrified by the prospect of taking them at first though.

Life is much better now. My anxieties about my son have lessened, mood on even keel, after 6 weeks on the sick just starting to go back to work. The rest also did a power of good I work 3 days a week but had been doing a lot of overtime. DS still went to the childminder 3 days so when he was there I rested and did a lot of physical things walks and clearing the garden which I found really therapeutic.

I am starting to feel enjoyment in things I had lost interest in and my son is a delight. I am not 100% better yet but I am getting there.

Looking back I had bad PND when DS was a small baby but hid it from everyone. Having a CS with complications and bringing up a child who still doens't sleep in isolation without family support didn't help.

DH hasn't been great and I spent a lot of time feeling angry and resentful towards him. I now have decided not to force him to "talk" about things as he hates that sort of thing. He is more affectionate and helpful since I went to get treatment, and I think this is his way of trying to help. I've found it more helpful to talk to a friend and a stranger than him TBH.

I just wanted you to know that there is a road to recovery and you are hopefully now on it. It doesn't happen overnight but I really hope that you find you are feeling better over the next few weeks.

alypaly Wed 09-Sep-09 21:33:44

AngeChica did you feel a loss of confidence when you went back to work....i did ..i was really shaky. I too felt isolated...i had a very prem,very tiny baby...DP worked long hours or so he said til i found out he was seeing his ex..and there i was stuggling with this tiny baby and then he played golf nearly all weekend,just when i wanted to talk to another adult...So he is now my ex and i ahve brought both boys up on my own

AngeChica Sat 12-Sep-09 19:47:26

alypaly I admire your strength so much. Re work: it's early days but TBH my work & occ health dept are excellent (NHS) and everyone's letting me take things at my own pace.

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