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Want to just curl up and cry

(7 Posts)
ErikaMaye Tue 01-Sep-09 23:44:06

Its all just so hard, I don't know how to cope with it all. I feel my son would be better off without me already and he's not even here yet. I'm bound to fuck it all up. I have no idea what I'm doing. How am I supposed to do this? As much as my partner will support me and him, and love us both, five days a week he won't be around - it'll be me dealing with everything. Once my parents go back to work, it will be just me and the baby, and I have no idea how I'll cope. I'm so frightened. Part of me wishes this wasn't happening, and then I feel like a total bitch for feeling like that. How horrible and cruel can you get?

I'm sick of being in physical pain, part of me wants to scream that its just not fair - I was already ill and already in constant pain, seems so cruel that I have to be suffering from SPD as well.

My partner is being distant, and I have no idea why. I only found out the other week just how low he was feeling recently, and it wasn't him that told me, it was drunken comment made by a friend. So now every time I don't hear from him for a few hours, I'm panicking, wondering if he's feeling that bad again. I don't want to be paranoid, or annoying. I don't want him to break up with me because I'm being possessive, but I'm really scared for him.

Things at home are getting worse by the day. I can hardly stand being here for a single moment. How am I supposed to bring my son up in a place where there are constant arguments? But I can't live by myself - I'm so frightened that once my meaning to stay alive and stay safe - having my baby inside of me - I'll loose my will to live entirely. There won't be any physical reason why I shouldn't kill myself. Hell, its tempting enough now.

Besides, the baby would be so much better off without me.

It hurts so much, mentally and physically.

I hate myself. I want it all to stop. I trully hope my baby turns up as soon as it is safe so I can just disappear.

No one would miss me anyway. I've let down everyone by being ill, and now being pregnant. Its not what anyone wanted. Its not even what I wanted.

Why won't these damn thoughts just STOP. I want them to go away. I wish I was fucking normal.

LoveBeingAMummy Wed 02-Sep-09 08:40:29

PLease please speak to someone in RL, most of the things you are decribing being worried about effect most people. Wanting to kill yourself, or worrying that when you've had the baby they'll be nothing to stop you means you need help now. call your mw or you gp and please see someone today. You sound like you really do care for your baby, so do this for him/her.

ErikaMaye Wed 02-Sep-09 18:21:00

He'd be so much better off without me though. I love him so much, and just want whats best for him. So many people have said I'm going to be a bad mother, so surely they're right. If it had just been one person, maybe they'd be wrong. But its loads of them. And the ones that don't say it - the ones that stare in the street, and mutter behind their hands - they're thinking it

I've booked an appointment for tomorrow but hardly see the point.

Jujubean77 Wed 02-Sep-09 18:23:48

EM please contact some one and tell them how you feel, you can't go one like this on your own.

Do you have any family support at all?

ErikaMaye Wed 02-Sep-09 21:18:43

My family don't really know how to talk about it. They do try to be there for me and help me, but they don't understand - none of them have ever had a mental illness. Don't get me wrong, they were fantastic when I was in the physc unit and everything, but they just don't know how to handle it. And I don't really know how to be honest with them in detail about how I'm feeling. I know it frightens them, and that makes me feel worse.

My new therapist is away unti next week, the day before my first session - I did try to call earlier. There wasn't a duty staff member on either.

I'm trying so so hard and it just doesn't seem to be achieving anything at all. I'm frightened about telling the professionals about how bad I'm feeling. I don't want them to think I don't care about my baby, because I really really do. He's the only thing that's kept me alive up until now. Before I found out I was pregnant I was self harming on a daily basis, had had several suicide attempts in a few weeks. I've hurt myself once since I found out, and that's it. I really am trying so hard to stay strong for him, and I feel like I'm failing him already.

I don't know how to make it all okay.

twoisplenty Thu 03-Sep-09 08:13:58

EricaMaye, feeling physically and mentally poorly is so frightening and depressing. But please take courage and talk to the therapist. There is no way she/he will judge you. They are not there for that, but to do the best for you, so you feel better as soon as possible.

From all of the things you have said, there is all the evidence that you are struggling terribly, but no evidence that you want anything other than the best for you and the baby.

You have done incredibly well to stay as strong as you have, to quel the urge to self-harm, that is an achievement in itself.

Try to be gentle to yourself, don't mentally beat yourself up, go gently, do things that are calming (warm bath, book, nice music, whatever you want).

Just remember you are doing well to keep going. You are keeping going.

And keep talking on MN. I was struggling yesterday, and MN was fantastic. So please keep in touch.

LoveBeingAMummy Thu 03-Sep-09 13:42:41

Hope your appt went well

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