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Feeling guilty for having these feelings

(13 Posts)
mads1 Tue 31-May-05 21:51:50

My DD is 7 weeks old and I love her to bits. But sometimes i get the feeling that i wish i could turn back the clock and have my old life back. This sounds awful and i feel like such a bad mother for feeling this.i just wish that i could have astress free day where i don't have to worry about when she's going to feed or sleep etc. And to go out as and when i want to without planning everything!! I'm a very organised person and i think not being in control is driving me mad. like i said i know i love her and enjoy the times i have with her. She's going through a funny period at the mo and won't settle in the nights and therefore i'm feeling stressed about this too.

thank you for "listening"

emily05 Tue 31-May-05 21:55:20

mads, it has only been 7 weeks. These feelings are really natural and dont be so hard on yourself.

It is like when you start a new job, or move to a new house - it takes time and everything is new.

You will get there - I felt the same as you. Now ds is 2 and a half and I cant even imagine what my life was like before. As they get older their little personalities make it all worth while - and the need to be 'in control' and 'organised' go out the window!

Dont forget that your hormones are settling down and your life has changed dramatically.
except that things are going to be rocky for a little while - but I PROMISE you it gets better and easier. ((hugs)) to you

charellie Tue 31-May-05 21:55:43

Have you tried reading the conented Little Baby book. You say that not being in control is driving you mad. This book sets out a routine to follow and you may find it helps to plan ahead.

Also is there anyone who can look after the baby for a few hours every week or so just so you can get some 'you' time.

Things will get better and the first few weeks can be very demanding.

dot1 Tue 31-May-05 21:57:01

Don't feel guilty - the first 12 weeks are officially classed as 'hell'... And the wistful looking back never ends..! But it does get easier - my ds's are 3 + 1 and I'd LOVE a stress-free day etc.etc... never going to happen again - even when they're at their grandparents I'm worrying.

Sorry, not helping -but please don't feel guilty - you're doing really well just surviving the first few months - it really is sooooooo hard with a newborn - keep going!!!

handlemecarefully Tue 31-May-05 22:05:17

mads,

I still sometimes feel like this, and dd is now almost 3 years old whilst ds is 13 months. On Sunday I had a very low day (went to bed at 7pm leaving dh to it - not because I was tired, but just to retreat from it all) and was fantasising about leaving dh with full custody of the kids whilst I lived a lovely self centered solitary life in a pristeen flat, having lie ins when I wanted to, and reading newspapers and magazines over a leisurely cafetiere of coffee etc. Am posting this to reassure you that it is so normal to feel like this...and you probably will do periodically throughout your child's life (albeit much less frequently than you do now - because you will imperceptibly start to adjust)

I only feel really low like this on the occasional day now - most of the time I am happy with my lot....and you will be too, given time.

But don't under-estimate what a shock to the system being a new first time mother is. Yes it is a privilege and a joy to be a mum, but it is also a hell of a lot to give up (your old taken for granted freedoms and the spontaniety of a child free life)

mads1 Tue 31-May-05 22:08:57

Wow! this is really helpful!!

with regards to GF. Yes i have been trying this for the last 4 weeks and it really has helped (am a little flexible with it). BUT my DD is going through a funny stage at the mo and is not settling well in the nights. she use to go down by 7pm without any hassle but this has gone out the window! have started another thread on this!!!

mads1 Tue 31-May-05 22:13:13

handlemecarefully and all the other star mums.

thank you. i do have to keep reminding myself of how big a change this is.

I too have fantasies like that!! and was feeling really bad for having them

handlemecarefully Tue 31-May-05 22:20:17

mads, i reckon most mums feel like that from time to time (my friends do at any rate!) but unfortunately there is a bit of a taboo about admitting it...and there shouldn't be! We are all human. Glad you are feeling better about it - don't be hard on yourself

mads1 Wed 01-Jun-05 09:31:50

Dear All,

Thank you for all your kind and helpful words last night. I went to sleep feeling abit more reassured and with less weight on my shoulders.
I guess I needed to hear that other mums go through this too. As mentioned, you feel like it is taboo to admit such horrible un-maternal feelings - but they can't be helped.

Hope I can help you guys out one day!!

Take care
Mads

emily05 Wed 01-Jun-05 11:40:56

mads - so glad that you are reassured. I know what you mean. When I had ds I expected it to all click into place and the love and bond to be there - but it took a while to happen, then of-course you feel guilty!

I think also dont under estimate what you have bee through! Giving birth and then adapting to a complete overhaul of your life takes time! and 7 weeks is not long at all.

Expect that things are going to be disorganised for a while, and that you will do things wrong and learn from it.BUT most importantly look after yourself. make sure you are eating, sleeping and excepting any offers of help you get. I tried to do it all and burnt out really quickly. If I have another one I will do it so differently!

Anyway lecture over, let us know how you are getting on and keep us updated. xxx

mads1 Wed 01-Jun-05 11:45:23

Dear Emily

I am taking your advice! Have just put DD down for a nap and instead of running around trying to get things done in my precious hour i am sitting here with a mullerice and refuelling!!!

Thank you for the support. Hope you are well too.

emily05 Thu 02-Jun-05 16:38:59

Hi Mads, Hows it going? Are you still having trouble at night? or is he settling?

mads1 Thu 02-Jun-05 22:14:38

Update!!

She went down with no fuss at 7.20pm last night and tonight at about 7.10pm!!!

I basically kept her up from 4 o'clock and moved her bedtime routine by 1/2 hour. i was concerned that she'd get over tired but so far so good!!

i did also try a couple of other things and therefore it's prob a combination of everything.

i really do feel alot more positive since hearing from everyone else. i guess that's all i really needed. thank you again!!

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