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OK. I know many of you have survived worse...so tell me, how....

(24 Posts)
embuggerance Thu 27-Aug-09 11:49:42

How do you cope?

We are in dire financial crisis. I don't want any help in how can I scrape money together cause I'm doing all that. I need emotional help.
I need tips and tools to stop me falling over the edge.

How do you keep going?
How do you function when every waking minute you have a seething beast of cold fear and panic writhing in your stomach?
When you wake up in the wee hours worrying? hen you can see the chasm between you and DH widening by the second as he retreats into his cave and you into yours.
When the children are too old to not know things are crap, how do you keep them from worrying?
When you can't confide in friends because they will feel the need to help, and they can't help.
When you can't have any kind of social life because it all costs money.

I'm not depressed, I don't need ADs I just need to keep on swimming.

SwedesandTurnips Thu 27-Aug-09 11:58:42

I'm not sure why you're shunning any potential practical help? Stress and anxiety come as a result of being in debt. So it surely makes the most sense to address why you are in debt, how can you stem the flow, what can you put in place to imporive things? You will immediately all feel less jittery and more in control. I think feeling in control is key.

Good luck.

TigerFeet Thu 27-Aug-09 12:05:20

Swimming uphill in treacle can be so very hard can't it?

How do you keep going? Concentrate on hour by hour, day by day. Get through now.

Seething beast of cold fear and panic? Only AD's sorted this for me, but I was ill.

When you wake up in the wee hours? I put the TV on for distraction and use relaxation techniques

Caveman DH? Harpy style screaming and shouting to get his head out of the fucking sand and listen blush (poss not the most constructive advice I've ever given)

Children? Can't really say from a parental pov but my parents had severe financial difficulties when I was a teenager and hid the extent from me. I wish they had been honest with me, with a side serving of reassurance that everything that can be done is being done.

Can't confide in friends? THat's what MN is for.

Social life? Haven't really got one myself tbh...

The relaxation technique I've found most useful for rising panic and insomnia is to lie in any position you find comfortable and then imagine your toes are asleep. Then your feet. Then your calves, knees and so on right up your body. You need to completely relax your body one bit at a time until they feel heavy and, well, asleep.

Unmumsnetty hugs for you x

TheDMshouldbeRivened Thu 27-Aug-09 12:06:56

minute by minute and watching funny things.
And anti-anxiety meds.

MummyDragon Thu 27-Aug-09 13:33:14

HUGE deep breaths, and any relaxation technique that makes you fell comfortable.

If you are constantly feeling anxious, panicky etc, try this. Stand with your feet shoulder-width apart, hands by your sides, shoulders relaxed (yes, relaxed!! As relaxed as you can, anyway). Take a deep breath in through your nose, hold it for 2 seconds, breathe out slooooowly through your mouth. Repeat 3 times. On the 4th breath in, slowly raise your arms above your heard in time to the breath. Hold the breath for 2 seconds, then exhale as hard as you can (imagine you're in labour!) and as you do so, bend forward at ths waist, still with your arms above your head, as though throwing yourself forward, until you are as close to touching your toes as you can manage. Repeat as many times as you can.

Moving your body in this way will help the flow of oxygen to your brain, helping increase your seratonin and making you feel calmer.

Try googling yoga techniques for similar things to try.

Could you go to a local yoga class? I know money is tight, but your health is important and classes only cost a few pounds.

Also, if "every waking minute you have a seething beast of cold fear and panic writhing in your stomach" you do need to see your GP to talk about it. There are some anti-d's that have an anti-anxiety effect. Might be worth investigating. There is no shame in taking them, and no shame/failure in admitting that you need help. You night be depressed, despite thinking that you're not. (One of the symptoms of depression is denial!). I'm sure you feel that you can't afford to fall apart - I know that feeling only too well. But facing up to a problem, and dealing with it, is a brave and strong thing to do - doesn't matter how you face it or deal with it, as long as you do so. Which you are doing. I am full of admiration for you; just please don't deny yourself something (e.g. anti-d's, etc) which could possibly make things much, much easier for you.

I remember your post earlier this summer - you sound as though you are dealing with the practical side of things brilliantly, but please do get help for the emotional side.

Hypnotherapy can be wonderful. It is expensive though. Could someone help you with the cost of this? You would only need one or two sessions. I've written a post on this in Mental Health if it's any help ...

I hope this helps you.

embuggerance Thu 27-Aug-09 17:52:22

thanks. Swedes, I'm not shunning practical help, it's just that I had another thread earlier with that sort of help, and I know what is neccessary to deal with the practicalities of being in debt. And I have done all I can to get in control. (you are spot on about control btw...)
It's just that I have reached that stage in the cycle where I am overwhelmed by the emotional side. And I know enough about mental health to know that if I don't deal with it now, i will become ill and I really don't have time for that

embuggerance Thu 27-Aug-09 17:59:01

me and the dc have been out all day walking in beautiful places and trying to have a laugh. That definitely helps me. But now I'm back in the house and reading this, unbidden tears are pouring down my face again.
I met several nice acquantances while we were out who all wanted to chit chat about summer holidays and I was biting my tongie and my cheek not to blurt out ''actually it's all shit, and this has been a nightmare of a summer'' in an unhinged way.

Think I'll go bake something....then clean the kitchen floor. My house is only ever tidy when I am in crisis grin

TheDMshouldbeRivened Thu 27-Aug-09 20:04:41

baking? Will be right over grin
I can understand the unhinged stuff. When dd is in hospital and then I meet someone chattting 'normally' I want to shriek. have to clamp down on it all.
Funnnily enough I clean too. Or shoot things in computer games. Very therapeutic wink

thisisyesterday Thu 27-Aug-09 20:08:25

is there no-one in real life you can talk to?

it sounds like you just need to let it all out to someone.
friends are friends for a reason surely? and even if you don't want/need practical help you're still shunning them on an emotional level too

i am sure if you told people, even if you didn't tell them the full story/whole extent if you don't want to, that they would be really supportive.

sometimes it just helps to know tha other people klnow and you aren't carrying around this big thing inside and having to pretend everytthing is ok

Podrick Thu 27-Aug-09 20:17:02

Baking helps me to feel good, as do nature walks!

Sex is relaxing and bonding and free.

Focussing on the kids is refreshing, especially if your kids are young - they are happy with simple things and can show you different ways of looking at things. Do you have a ticklist of 3 or so things to achieve each day, and can you write down at the end of each day 3 achievements or things that went well?

Personally I think I probably would tell people - you can find out who your real friends are, its a great opportunity to ditch the others! And other people surely can help, even if only in small ways?

embuggerance Thu 27-Aug-09 21:30:43

sex. Ha! He can't even talk to me....

PinkyRed Thu 27-Aug-09 21:41:56

I'm really sorry you're having such a hard time. My sister died earlier this year, and sometimes I'm overwhelmed with sadness, guilt, regret etc and I can't see how I'm going to get through the rest of my life without her. I feel myself starting to panic and I tell myself (out loud if necessary)

'I don't need to get through the rest of my life right now - I just need to get through right now.' I focus on what's happening right now this minute, and not on the future, not even half an hour's time, just right now.

I'm a Christian, and there's a verse about each day having enough evil in it, ie we shouldn't worry today about what's coming tomorrow. I find that comforting too.

Podrick Fri 28-Aug-09 09:41:48

Do you have a relaxation CD? Plugging into this for 45 mins helps me if I am massively stressed out. Or maybe Yoga if you know the moves - also very calming.

How are things today?

embuggerance Fri 28-Aug-09 09:49:05

oh podrick, thank you for reminding me- yes, of course I have! [hippy]. I spend my life telling people to beat stress by relaxing and meditating but I haven't taken my own advice.

My bloody eyes won't stop leaking though today.

I had a huge meltdown in front of a dear friend last night (she turned up just as I was reacting badly to a large bill) and she has organised a nice day out for us at the weekend which is a godesnd as i think dh and i would hve struggled to have a normal nice weekend otherwise.
dshe has also sent out a call to arms I think, as another close friend has just rung and offered a nice chilled day with the children today.

I have to try to get a lid on myself, I'm boring myself right now...<<small watery smile>>

Anyone got miracle cure for really swollen eyes?

Podrick Fri 28-Aug-09 10:48:41

I need one too, have just heard that my dad's cancer has spread sad

OrangeFish Fri 28-Aug-09 10:50:51

"When you can't confide in friends because they will feel the need to help, and they can't help"

That's the clue, let them help, not with money if you don't want to, but at least let them to hold your hand and help to keep you strong at the worst of it.

embuggerance Fri 28-Aug-09 10:52:45

oh pod, I am SO sorry. {{{hug}}

embuggerance Fri 28-Aug-09 10:55:23

you are right OF, being able to tell my best friend what has happened was such a relief last night.

Podrick Fri 28-Aug-09 11:09:11

I'm glad you talked to your friend, its good not to feel lonely when things are tough
Thanks for the hug - {{{hugs}}} to you too smile

embuggerance Fri 28-Aug-09 18:10:49

for the record - Preparation H really does help crying eyes...blush grin

Podrick Fri 28-Aug-09 18:36:15

I haven't heard of it? I have salt deposits on my contact lenses but am feeling much cheered after taking dd and 2 pals rollerskating smile. How was your day?
We had a rainbow thsi afternoon smile

mollyroger Fri 28-Aug-09 20:08:33

Prep H is a piles lotion grin
with witch hazel though, so very good and soothing...

TheMitsubishiWarrioress Fri 28-Aug-09 20:23:31

OK....as far as the help thing goes.

If your friends were in need, what would you do? And how would you feel finding out that they were having crap times and you had kept it locked in?

Accepting help is as important as offering it, and it all balanced out i the true nature of friendship.

And this will aid the emotional thing as well. Sharing and offloading can really lighten the darkness. Can you and DH communicate in any other way? Text? E-mail? Sometimes the 'problem' gets so big it is hard to have normal conversations, so if they are being dealt with some other way, perhaps the ordinary stuff gets a chance.

The crying thing...cry, get angry, do something physical and get mad with yourself, bloody determined that you are NOT going to let this thing drag you down because you know you are capable of rising above it. It is YOUR life and you want to get it back how you want it GODDAMMIT!!!! (oh, sorry, that might just be me!!!blush)

Huge (((()))) and wishing you silver linings...xx

mollyroger Fri 28-Aug-09 20:36:17

bloody love you, mits {{hugs}}

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