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do i really have depression....or am i just

(20 Posts)
blushingm Tue 25-Aug-09 10:40:11

wasting everyones time and effort?

i really feel like i'm blagging it - they all seem to think i have depression but maybe i don't. what do 'normal' people think and feel about thier lives and the people around them. Am i really depressed or just faking it. am i supposed to think and feel the way i do. Am i completely normal and is that why all the medication etc is not lifting the 'depression'

what should i feel think and do??? i'm lost

Countingthegreyhairs Tue 25-Aug-09 12:55:31

Hello. Sorry to hear you are feeling so low.

Hopefully someone better qualified will be around soon to advise but didn't want your post to go unaswered.

I think there are specific tests you can take to determine whether you are depressed or not. I think one might be called the "Edinburgh test" - perhaps worth a Google. Or google on a mental health charity website such as "Mind".

Presumably the doctor who prescribed your medication felt that you qualified as depressed. How long have you been on it? I've read here that it takes a few weeks to kick in.

Try not to focus too much on what "normal" people feel and think. None of us are normal!!!! Everyone has periods in their lives where they are more down than up. Everyone has struggles.

I think a symptom of depression is feeling "lost" and being unable to see things clearly. So maybe you just have to trust those around you for now who see a difference in you?

What makes you think you are blagging? Because if it is because of guilty feelings as in "oh I have a reasonably good life compared to everyone else and shouldn't complain" then I would try and think differently about it.

Depression is an illness. You wouldn't begrudge someone who had a broken leg treatment would you? Why is a mental illness any different? Try not to be so hard on yourself.

Asking for help is hard but it's also a sensible step. We all need help sometimes, particularly when we are ill.

If the medication isn't working, could you combine it with a talking therapy?

Good luck and hope things start to improve for you soon.

blushingm Tue 25-Aug-09 13:36:32

hi - thanks for relying

i just don't know what to sy then the consultants ask 'how have you been?' 'how is your mood' because i really don't know the answer. i don't know how i am or how i've been. if that makes any sense atall?

i've been on some type of medication since dc2 was born over 3 years ago now. i've had some cbt - but i don't think i clicked with the woman despite seeing her for nearly a year!

maybe everyone thinks like me so then there is nothing wrong with me.

I always think of mental health problems as eating disorders or schizonphrenia (sp??) - something that can be obvious not like me, i feel like i am causing a fuss for attention (or think that's what the doctors or thinking). No one likes me anyway, i don't like me so why would anyone else???. I can't seem to make friends or know what to say to people even if i have known them for years

it's really hard to explain what i think and feel

Countingthegreyhairs Tue 25-Aug-09 14:31:55

hi again

I think the feelings you describe (having been there myself a while back) are symptomatic of depression ie you don't know who you are or how you feel because you are down a big black hole (well that's how I felt anyway!) I was just, well, "stuck" - life was one big blank - for want of a better explanation ...

And you sound really down on yourself and very concerned about what other people think of you. Remember, you are seeing things from a very "depressed" point of view and not rationally - I'm honestly, honestly CERTAIN that it's not true that no one likes you. Your perception is altered by your illness.

You can't control what other people think of you anyway - the only thing you can control is how you feel about yourself and how you react to others (easy to say I know!)

And not knowing how to say or act when you are depressed sounds very familiar to me. YOu kind of lose yourself - I definitely lost my confidence - and just the whole business of trying to interact with people was exhausting and I felt I was pretending all the time ....

In your shoes I think I would try and get more talking therapy. You absolutely HAVE to click with the person you are seeing - and you have to feel you can trust them. Perhaps shop around a bit. Not easy when you are depressed but it would be worth the effort.

Also, try and do something just for you and not what others expect of you!! ie have less "shoulds" and more "likes" in your life!!!

Sorry - I don't mean to post "do this" "do that" and it's all much easier to say than do -
I just wish I had been quicker to admit I needed help sooner but I was proud and stubborn grin Hope you can fight your way through it - it's tough I know ....

Take care x

fluffles Tue 25-Aug-09 14:36:18

i don't know if this will be helpful but i wanted to say that i am not depressed and have never had a mental health problem but i feel EXACTLY the same about my ankle injury.

Docs say 'does this hurt' and 'how much does it hurt' and i think well 'how do i know?' i mean it's not comfortable but i'm not writhing on the floor in agony.

it does hurt but when people ask too much i am all kind of 'well i can deal with it' and 'it's not excruciating, maybe i should just deal with it'..... i mean, i can walk a bit now whereas i couldn't before....

it's REALLY hard to see your own health objectively.

so i think the feelings you are feeling are common for any ailment and interaction with the medical profession.

i hope that helps a little smile

blushingm Tue 25-Aug-09 14:52:13

thanks - you are all being so nice blush

counting - you sound so grounded and what you say makes clear sense but i have trouble admitting/undstanding/believing it's me

and fluffles it does help a little thanks x smile

i even feel like my psychiatrist will soon be fed up with me - he tries so hard but nothing helps and i feel so ungrateful and that he'll soon lose interest and get fed up with me - doesn't everyone? sad

Countingthegreyhairs Tue 25-Aug-09 14:59:54

Me ... grounded??? [Laughs maniacally] If only you could see me under stress Blushingm!!!!

Seriously, it's a long process, has taken years. Don't be too impatient with yourself.

>"i even feel like my psychiatrist will soon be fed up with me - he tries so hard but nothing helps and i feel so ungrateful and that he'll soon lose interest and get fed up with me - doesn't everyone?"

Yes I think many people when asking for help, feel that they are imposing or being a nuisance. I think that's totally normal. Remember though that they are professionals and that is their paid job.

Why don't you repeat the above sentence to your psychiatrist and listen to his answer. I think you will be pleasantly surprised ....

blushingm Tue 25-Aug-09 15:03:42

i did ask him - yesterday blush

he gave the exact reply you have typed - it's his job and what he is paid to do! hmm But he has to say that doesn't he??????

Countingthegreyhairs Tue 25-Aug-09 15:24:18

Yes he does I suppose but (if you don't mind me being a bit blunt - not meant in horrible way at all smile) isn't it a bit naieve to expect any other response? Yours is not a personal relationship although it is a close one.

And it IS true what he is saying - it's not as though he is doing you a personal favour - he is operating with personal detachment. He has to, to do his job properly.

And in a sense, you have to accept that help fully in order to make his job easier. If you are proud and "try not to be a burden" the process will probably take longer ...which is no good for either of you. Yes, you have to take responsibility for doing everything to try and get yourself better, but you can rely on him for help - more at the beginning - less so at the end.

I guess any health professional, being human, will have patients they find easy to treat, patients they have no particular feelings towards, and patients they find difficult. Your or I or anyone else will probably have little or no idea where they fall in that spectrum. And in a way it's irrelevant as long as the treatment is going somewhere.

Also, I suspect that shrinks are trained not to perceive or categorise people in that way as they are more focused on treating your symptoms and illness than their personal feelings towards you. They are genuinely interested in helping you to feel better or else I suspect they wouldn't be practicing - it's a tough line of work to be in after all!!

Don't worry though - I think it's entirely normal that you are pushing him for answers about how he perceives you - simply because, owing to your illness, you have lost a strong sense of who you are and so you are trying to pick up hints from others around you including your psychiatrist - and that is why you are so sensitive to the opinion of others at the moment.

He will have seen it all before and try and help you elicit that self-knowledge from within yourself (if that makes sense). It's there - you know it really - it's just hidden at the moment because of demands placed upon you, or because of circumstances, you are living in a way that challenges that sense of self.

Sorry for essay!! Does any of that makes sense?

blushingm Tue 25-Aug-09 16:13:40

my god you are good!!!!!!!!!!!!! How do you get to be so good???? smile

your post made me cry - not in a bad way not in a good way either oh i don't's hard to explain what i want to say

Countingthegreyhairs Tue 25-Aug-09 16:23:36

Thanks but am honestly not BlushingM! Have been there that's all ... And I was a particularly proud/stubborn old mare grin. And, still work in progress!!

Give it some time and you will be supporting others on here. Be patient with yourself - it's a tough process. I know it's almost impossible to believe that you will feel better from the perspective of where you are right now .. but you will ... you honestly will ...

blushingm Tue 25-Aug-09 16:26:56

thank you - with all my heart, you are really kind and honest ........though i think i'm a stubborn old mare too

Countingthegreyhairs Tue 25-Aug-09 17:21:36

you are too kind BlushingM - no need for thanks - truly wish I could be of more practical help

from one stubborn mare to the other ... hope things improve for you soon ...grin

will watch this thread - don't hesitate to post again when going gets tough - if you want to of course

Rones Wed 26-Aug-09 20:05:05

I just wanted to add that I've found all your advice very helpful too countingthegreyhairs... I'm starting to admit that I am depressed again and need to go back on ADs.... I am also very stubborn about the AD situation and admitting I need help and generally try my best to hide how I'm feeling to others!!! it's such a hard thing to admit you're depressed! Anyway, I always like hearing that things will improve and I do know that rationally but it's just so damn hard to see it when you're in that black hole! Good luck bushingm

Countingthegreyhairs Wed 26-Aug-09 23:17:33

Appreciated Rones. Also good that you posted as I didn't intend to kill the thread for Blushing!!

Sorry you are feeling low again though sad. I haven't taken ADs but I think I would have got better a lot quicker if I had. Hope you start feeling a bit better soon.

blushingm Thu 27-Aug-09 09:15:41

hi i'm feeling really down today - no idea why and don't know what to do sad

Countingthegreyhairs Thu 27-Aug-09 23:32:08

Hi Blushing. I am SO sorry not to have responded earlier. I was out on a day-trip all day. I am sorry you are feeling so down. Can you get any immediate support from family or friends or a health professional?

Has anything in particular prompted this feeling (if you don't mind me asking)?

Not that it has to be anything specific. I remember I had days where I felt myself descending in to a black hole - even when I was anticipating feeling quite OK - and the arbitrariness of it was frankly quite scary. As your treatment progresses (and I NEVER believed this at first) I gradually realised that I was much more in control of my moods and circumstances than I realised. Then, when you know you can do something to actively change the way you think or react (or do something practical to help yourself) the whole situation seems much less frightening and much more manageable.

Sorry if this is not relevant to your situation - just ignore my ramblings - but I remember how it was to just wake up and feel terrible quite (seemingly) out of the blue.

I'm afraid I am going to be accompanying visitors back to their home in France tomorrow and so I am going to absent for most of Fri and Sat but I will try and log on (if I can) from where i am but don't know if it has Internet access. Will definitely be logging in on Sunday.

Take care. Hang on. You will feel better given time.

blushingm Fri 28-Aug-09 12:27:15

thanks counting - i am just angry at EVERYONE family firned colleagues strangers anyone. sad i had a go at a girl at work over email (she works in another office) and ended up getting a scathing reply from her manager but at the time i was just seeing red. now i just want to cry and go to bed. Even the dcs are copping it - i'm so short tempered sad i'm really not very nice..........

Countingthegreyhairs Sun 30-Aug-09 19:49:09

Apologies for not responding before now Blushing. Tied up where I was but back now.

I'm not sure I can offer much insight on this one as I haven't been very nice to live with this week either blush and confess to having had a couple of melt-downs with dd. At one point I had to walk out of the room for fear of totally losing it with her blush.

We ended the day OK though and tomorrow's another day. I will apologise and attempt to explain.

It's definitely worse when I am under a lot of outside pressure and I'm sure it must be the same for you. We can't change past actions - just try and work on it for next time and possibly - I am CERTAIN applies in your case - give yourself a bit of a break and some time out to re-charge. Hope you have a better week x. Go steady!!

Countingthegreyhairs Wed 02-Sep-09 19:53:24

How are you doing Blushing?

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