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Please tell me I haven't failed by going back on anti Ds

(17 Posts)
EyeballsintheSky Sun 16-Aug-09 11:55:34

Came off Citalopram a couple of months ago after a year of taking them for PND. Was so pleased with myself because the withdrawal was horrible; splitting headache, head fireworks and unable to move my head without it spinning. Vowed I'd never take them again but just now I have.

The last two months have been hellish. Have nearly walked out on DH and DD many times, at least once a week, everything is a crisis and I just can't cope with feeling like this anymore. I feel like I hate them both and I don't. They don't do anything wrong. DH is just a slob and DD is just a normal, if very very lively 19 month old. Normal stuff but it feels like the end of the world to me. Yesterday I told DH I was moving out and I really really wish I could. He and DD would be much better off if I wasn't here.

i don't want to be on tablets for the rest of my life but I can't see any other way if I want to keep my family together. I was coping fine, which was why my GP decided it might be the time to come off them but I'm not coping now. Please tell me it's not the end of the world to be on these things. I don't see how I can go on without them.

If I don't reply, it's because I'm about to put on my happy face and go to legoland. I just want to stay here on my own.

chimchar Sun 16-Aug-09 12:01:48

can't stop now, but NO! you have not failed at fact, i would say you've been very brave in accepting that you're just not "fixed" yet..

if you had a broken leg, you'd wait for it to heal, and you'd do whatever you had to do to get it treated right? depression is an illness, not a figment of your going back on your meds, you are helping yourself to get better.

good on you. hope you have an ok day, and here, have a (((HUG))) too. x

SoupDragon Sun 16-Aug-09 12:01:52

Of course you haven't failed! You need medication, just like any other medical condition.

<<dragonly pat on back>>

YanknCock Sun 16-Aug-09 12:03:25

It's not the end of the world. This is just not the right time for you to stop ADs. It doesn't necessarily mean you will be on them for life, and even if you are, so what?

I've been off and on for half my life, battling recurrent major depression. There are people out there who will see it as 'failing' when you take ADs, but seriously, FUCK THEM. The only people I've ever met who really 'get' what depression is like are people who have had depression themselves.

EyeballsintheSky Mon 17-Aug-09 00:54:37

Thanks for the replies everyone. And for making me feel better about it. I know that it's the best thing to do as I'm not a nice person to live with now and it's not fair on the others, especially dd I suppose I'm pre-empting what my mother will say as she still thinks there is a stigma attached and that once 'mental illness' is on your records then 'they' might come and take your children away. hmm. I know that's nonsense but you know what mothers can be like.

But it's this or my sanity and the well being of my
family. It's not fair to expect them to live with me like this when I can do something about it. I'll do it again, now isn't the right time.

Thanks again

giraffesCantReadShiteTabloids Mon 17-Aug-09 01:06:37

If you were a diabetic who needed insulin how would you feel...? I like to think of it that way.

MotheringHeights Mon 17-Aug-09 01:12:49

Of course you haven't failed, in fact the complete opposite. There's nothing wrong with taking antidepressants, it doesn't matter if you end up taking them forever, what matters is that you're happy and able to enjoy your life.

OldLadyKnowsNothing Mon 17-Aug-09 01:13:04

I'm so sorry you're feeling down, EyeballsintheSky, but as others have said, if you need the meds, you need the meds. It's not any kind of failure.

gigglewitch Mon 17-Aug-09 01:52:31

hi (again) eyeballs smile

ditto what the others say, MH has it spot on. The thing with depression is that we use the meds when they're needed - you are stronger and after every time it 'gets' us, it has one less weapon to hit us with.
You sound really down atm, but as you know, with a bit of a lift from the ad's you will be able to do the rest yourself. I just consider it as wearing armbands in the swimming pool when I'm needing a bit of extra floatation grin

MotheringHeights Mon 17-Aug-09 01:55:58

That's a lovely analogy, gigglewitch.

Eyeballs, my BIL has had the same attitude from his mother in regard to depression and ads. It does make it harder, but if you can find a way to hold on to the knowledge that your mother is wrong, it can make it easier.

Hope today is a happier day.

jabberwocky Mon 17-Aug-09 03:13:50

eyeballs, ds1 just turned 6 and I have only in the past year accepted the fact that I will probably be on AD's from now on. I have tried to come off at least twice, it's always terrible I now believe that my body was permanently chemically altered by the severe trauma that was ds1's birth and that's that. It may not be a totally comforting thought that I need AD's but I have decided to be thankful that they are available and that they do work for me. We do what we need to do.

Oh, and why bother even telling your mother? Mine is the same way and I've stopped talking about it to her.

EyeballsintheSky Mon 17-Aug-09 13:14:04

Thanks everyone, it really does help to hear others' stories. I had a new person start at work today and she was telling me, unprompted, about her very severe PND (her children are grown up now) and even in one morning she has been such a help. She lectures on depression now and is passionate about trying to get it understood. I've not really spoken to anyone about it, except my GP and it has really been good to talk about how I feel. I feel a bit peace with it now, like there is no deadline any more to get over this.

And I don't intend to tell my mother wink

Alibabaandthe40nappies Mon 17-Aug-09 17:43:14

Eyeballs, that's so good that you are feeling better about things.

I've been on ADs for 3 months, and I did think I was really on the mend. A few things recently have knocked me really hard - things that I know a well me would deal with no problems. So it seems I am in it for the long haul.

I think you are very wise to say nothing to your mother wink

gigglewitch Mon 17-Aug-09 19:12:44

count me in on the only-tells-mother-what-she-needs-to-know (and it's not about this either wink they Don't Get It.) Some things we can just do without, eh?!

jabberwocky Tue 18-Aug-09 00:33:35


ErikaMaye Tue 18-Aug-09 23:55:09

* Waves *

Just gone back on my Prozac after coming off it when I found out I was pregnant - am now 27+2 and it was just getting too much. Feel like a failure, too. I'm glad that your new collegue has made you feel better

Platesmasher Tue 18-Aug-09 23:59:24

you;re not failing, you're managing your problem. smile well done.

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