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I need help - what do you do when you are out of all personal resources physically and emotionally unwell, almost no support and you have a young child with SN. I dont think I can cope anymore.

(17 Posts)
hereidrawtheline Thu 13-Aug-09 09:52:27

I probably wont explain myself properly I am with DS and he needs attention I've been on the laptop waiting for MN to come back blush

I am really exhausted, I mean well and truly spent.

My DS is 3 & has SN, he is being diagnosed but he has emotional problems and likely ASD. Yesterday he burst into hard tears suddenly saying "I cant find my home" This is pretty typical for us he is emotionally very hard. He is violent to me and DH too which at the moment isnt bothering me too much tbh. He is also very loving and attached to me (and me to him!)

I have been unwell for ages, I may have swine flu. But I have really terrible chronic migraines. Lately they have been excruciating. I am knackered. I work 4 nights a week, only 4 hours a shift but still. I have DS from 7 am when he wakes onwards, then get home from work at 10:30. The "extra" work that I do I do for myself when I can which is I write, because that is the only thing I want to do and I am raising my profile in the writing world via my blog. Which is going very well, I just made the top 10 most read Indy bloggers list so I wont compromise on that now. I only write a few days a week though at the moment though I would like more time.

DH works full time and he is very very good, especially compared to a lot of the men I see talked about here. He cooks dinner every night & helps with housework although he usually needs spelling out exactly what to do.

I am actually depressed at the moment which I havent been for ages I think. I am on prozac anyway, the highest dose they can give me. But physically and emotionally I just feel finished. I am so tired. My head hurts my back hurts, and most of all I am exhausted. DH is coming home from work today at 3 to help which is great but to be honest the hardest part of the day will be done by then. I will have already entertained & taken care of DS for 8 hours, done 2 meals, essential laundry etc. It isnt even 10 yet & I've already had an apple thrown at me and been punched in the face. After 35 mins of lovely cuddles though.

I just dont think I can carry on anymore. Maybe it doesnt sound too bad written out like this but I feel like I am stuck on this treadmill will almost nothing in it for me. I dont think I can carry on anymore but there isnt any other option as my DS needs me so much. What do I do?

hereidrawtheline Thu 13-Aug-09 09:53:57

I meant to say I am plagued with ill health. I am just not a very robust person. I've had pneumonia twice in 10 years, my ear drum has burst on planes, ear infections etc. My body is pretty crap.

vonsudenfed Thu 13-Aug-09 10:04:24

It does sound difficult, please don't beat yourself up about not coping, it sounds incredibly hard and you are doing far more than I think I could manage under the circumstances.

I don't have a huge amout of practical advice to give you, but didn't want to leave your post unanswered. The only thing I would say, is keep writing. It makes all the difference to me when I am at my wits end, and you do have to look after yourself, as well as your DS, otherwise you just won't be able to cope. He needs you to be happy, as well as just there.

I'm sure someone else will be able to come along with some sensible advice about who and what might help - respite care or just someone to talk to.

hereidrawtheline Thu 13-Aug-09 10:15:35

thank you - wanted to say thanks real quick I have to go help DS out will be gone a while.

lou031205 Thu 13-Aug-09 10:16:03

HIDTL, have you had contact with your Health Visitor recently?

Have you heard of Homestart? They can match you with a volunteer, to come and play with your DS for about 2 hours per week. I have 3 under 4, and DD1, as you know, has SN. Homestart has literally been my sanity. Rosie comes, and she gets on with the two older girls. I can then potter, join in, go out to a friend's for coffee, do that bit of shopping I needed to get done but couldn't face with the children, start dinner, write that letter disputing the latest rubbish someone has said about DD to try and exclude her from services - whatever.

Have you contacted SS? Even if they say 'no', at least you are in the system now, while he is young.

Is there Crossroads near your area? They may have a volunteer system.

What about surestart centres, etc.? Would your DS tolerate playing with/alongside other kids while you have a cuppa?

AlicesAdventuresInWonderland Thu 13-Aug-09 10:19:52

just wanted to say try to be kind to yourself

I feel in a similar position and my ds is so demanding he is also having sessions with a child psycholgist

maybe always look to the end of a day with a sort of reward at the end and lots of luck with your writing

sabire Thu 13-Aug-09 10:24:56

Sorry you're having such a hard time of it. I felt like you last year and earlier this year. I was ill with a liver problem and long term viral infection, exhausted, working, studying, and struggling day to day to cope with my 3 children, the youngest of who is 4 now, but was 3 then. My youngest sounds like your little boy - very intense, very loving and very 'hyper'. My ds was having 4 or 5 major tantrums a day, which would go on for an hour at a time. He'd scratch me, scream, be spiteful to the dog, break things in the house. I was often in tears and like you ended up very depressed and on AD's.

It sounds to me like you need a break from your DS to give you a bit of breathing space. Can he go to a nursery or children's centre for a few hours a week? My DS went to a local children's centre where they were brilliant with him. He had a lovely relationship with his key worker, and it was so nice to have someone to talk to who understood him and took an interest in him. I found the family workers at the children's centre really helpful - just talking about what I was going through helped me cope from day to day.

Can you afford any alternative therapies? I've been having acupuncture, which has really helped at times with just keeping body and soul together, when I've been pushed to the limits of my endurance. I go to a 'multi bed' clinic, which is about half the price you normally pay. Is there anything like this near you?

You really just need a lot of support to get through this difficult time. 3 is a really hard age I think. My DS has been heaps better in the past few months - he seems to have come through the tantrums and really intense troubling behaviour. Your little boy is changing all the time and like me you may find things get better on their own as he gets older.

hereidrawtheline Thu 13-Aug-09 12:05:17

thanks everyone I hope you understand I am appreciating reading your replies but I am really too tired to write out everything I want to say in reply at the moment. I just put DS down for nap attempt number 1 (yesterday was 5) and I am just sitting staring at the laptop til I know if he is going to sleep or not then I will try to sleep while he does. But I want you to know when I am feeling a little better I will look into all your kind suggestions.

Dont you just wish you were allowed to step out of it and give up sometimes?

AlicesAdventuresInWonderland Thu 13-Aug-09 12:51:25

I did step out of it a week or so

but it was to go and visit my mum and dad and help my mum as she has a broken arm

a change is as good as a rest

hope the rest of your day goes okay

Saltire Thu 13-Aug-09 13:14:51

I don't know what to say to help really. I don't have a child with SN, so can't imagine what that must be like. I do however live with a constant 24/7 chronic pain condition, somedays it's crippling, other days I manange it. Associated with it is fatigue, so I can understnad how you are feeling in that respect - to feel exhausted like that mentally and physically is awful.
I think some of the suggestions others have made are good - try Homestart or your HV and see if there are any children's centres nearby your Ds could go to even if only for a few hours a week

hippipotamiHasLost55lbs Thu 13-Aug-09 13:25:04

herei - first of all, sympahthies from me. I don't have too much advice. The only thing I can say is this; when I was suffering from depression it manifested itself as excruciating headaches. Prozac did nothing for me, not even the highest dose. My GP changed me over to Venlafaxine which really really helped. Is it worth a try?
In additon, I second the homestart suggestion. If someone could help in any way, housework, entertaining ds etc, it would be great.

Sorry I can't be of more help.

hereidrawtheline Fri 14-Aug-09 10:47:08

thanks again everyone. sorry I just keep coming on here saying the same thing but I havent got the energy. I dont seem to have the brainpower to reply properly. I'm really tired, in the usual high amount of pain. DH is at work of course and I have to work tonight. I just fell asleep for 10 mins while DS pretended to sleep blush I am going to write out your suggestions as a list this weekend then make some phone calls monday. I just cant process anything at the moment.

BuffyTheFluffySlayer Fri 14-Aug-09 10:55:23

There's an organisation called Umberella that helps and supports families with SN children, they are sometimes based at your local hospital but if you look online there may be a local branch.

There's nothing wrong with putting a DVD on for ds and you having a nap on the sofa you know, this way you'll wake up if he moves.

hereidrawtheline Fri 14-Aug-09 14:28:48

just wanted to say a huge thank you and I will be posting on SN boards but I am namechanging due to the daily mail column thing. I dont feel comfortable with the level of personal details anymore. But on Monday I will definitely be sorting your great suggestions out. Thanks.

AlicesAdventuresInWonderland Fri 14-Aug-09 16:17:10

wishing you lots of luck

and hope you feel a little better soon

Marjie3 Fri 14-Aug-09 17:07:46

Sounds really crap for you, 1000mg of Vit C is a must for low immunity and a good probiotic will also be very useful.
Cut out sugar, it just leaves you feeling even more stressed. hope this helps

pagwatch Fri 14-Aug-09 17:12:57

hereIdrawtheline

If it is of any comfort at all I could have written your post when my DS was the same age ( although DS2 was probably more severe than your DS) and here we are ten years on and life is fine. He is doing well, I am doing well and it really really does get better.

The early years are a time of huge adjustment and a kind of grief - which is exhausting if you are fit and well and resting - but when you are tired, dealing with a challenging situation and prone to illness your selfcan cause enough stress to sink most people.
Take all the suggestions on here. NEVER miss an oppertunity for help. NEVER blame yourself for anything re your child. Cry when you need and sleep when you can.
Honestly. Trite as it sounds - this too will pass.

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