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Mental health

Horrible imaginings of bad things happening to my son. Guilt?

15 replies

Threadworm2 · 24/07/2009 18:16

DSs are going away to Spain with DH for a week without me -- because I've been feeling so fraught and low and bad tempered with them that I didn't feel able to give the boys a good summer for six weeks without my first few days alone since motherhood began. I plan to make the remaining five weeks really good for thm when they get back, but for now I just feel a bit broken.

I feel really guilty at leaving them. And I keep picturing something awful happening to my younger son (10yo). I can hardly type it.. but it is drowning. I keep picturing him realising he is in danger, trying to put it right; I imagine himworrying that he has made a mistake, that it is his fault, that I would be angry with him for putting himself in danger. I have even (shamefully) said something gnomic to him like 'It wouldn't be your fault if anything bad happened; I wouldn't be angry just sad' -- to try to make him feel less awful in that awful moment that I keep imagining. It goes roundd in my head.

Is it so bad, selfish, to have this time alone? I am planning, hoping, to be a better parent for the rest of the holiday and will be taking the chldren away without DH for partof that time. DH will be working most of holidays and I will be the carer then.

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Threadworm2 · 24/07/2009 18:19

Not really my fist few days -- the first time I've been without them for more than 2 days.

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mollyroger · 24/07/2009 18:26

ah thready, please don't do this to yourself...

having a small break away from dc makes a huge amount of difference to one's parenting.

Someone once told me a tip with dc when mine were little - explaining that mummy's patience was the size of a melon when mummy had peace, quiet and a cup of tea But when myum was tired, and stressed it shrank to size of a pea...but peace and a sit down helped it grow back large again - melon sized.
Even now mine are older, I can still say ''size of a pea!!!'' and the dc know that I need to recharge my batteries in order to give the family everything it needs.

My point (for there is one hidden here somewhwere...)is that you will benefit from some time alone.

It doesn't stop you missing them though. But not being with them doesn't mean you don't love 'em, far from it.

The picturing bad stuff happeneing sounds like anxiety - are you bit depressed anyway at the moment?

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YommyMommy · 24/07/2009 18:27

Hi Threadworm2,

Of course its not bad to want/need some time alone and away from dc! It doesn;t make you any less of a good mum! We all need time away, we are just all not fortunate enough to have someone take our kids to Spain for a week

Please take this time to totally indulge and pamper yourself! And try to feel better! The kids will have a ball - as they alwasy do on holiday - they will make friends the first night and will be happy for the rest of the week!

Here if you want to chat!
x x x

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Threadworm2 · 24/07/2009 20:27

Thanks both of you. Yes, I am really lucky to have someone take the boys to Spain for a week. I have nagged horribly for it and I feel a shrew. I work from home. It is supposed to be during schoolday only but recently it has taken up many too many hours when boys are at home, which makes me crap mother and furious wife. I have been awful, but it seemed only way up was to have time out.

It is depression which gives me the fixed image of the bad thing happening. I had a similar thing last year. Was out walking the dog and became trapped by an image of an awful (imagined)injury to son. Was crying so much I couldn't get face straight and tearless enough to be able to come home. At that time I went onto ADs (not esp because of the image -- that was just one thing). But now I want to stay off those and just try to look after myself a bit better so that I can stop being such a cow to family. The boys argue a lot and I find that my interventions make things worse. I hope that as all men together without my obsessionality they will just chill out a bit in Spain.

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mollyroger · 24/07/2009 20:47

ok...but the anxiety thing does sound scary for you.

Your thoughts of bad stuff happening are not rational but this is sometimes a symptom of a 'tired' mind that has lost a lot of its resilience. Which can throw up a whole host of ?what ifs??.

Which is a whole new reason why you need to rest and relax.....

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Threadworm2 · 24/07/2009 22:14

Thank you.

Reading back, perhaps I'm being a bit harsh on myself. I'm not really a cow I hope. Just tired and not at my best. I'm hoping to do better.

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morningsuncanslay · 24/07/2009 22:43

Enjoy the time you've arranged without guilt~they are old enough to cope fine.

The imaginings do sound like anxiety/depression/obsessiveness type of thing~try not to think ahead/think about any dangers of when they will be away.

Let it go and they will come back happy,you will be refreshed.

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Threadworm2 · 26/07/2009 10:50

Thanks morningsun. I'm just about to take them all to the airport now. It feels strange. I feel a bit sick. But if I make the most of this time alone I will be a better mother during the rest of the summer. They seem happy enough to be going.

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mollyroger · 26/07/2009 16:43

how you feeling no Thready?

Mine have just been picked up for their week away and it is scarily quiet.

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Threadworm2 · 26/07/2009 17:21

Hi mollyroger. Are yours away too? It does feel odd doesn't it. I feel a bit sick and guilty. I don't know why really. I've taken dc away on trips without DH lots and lots of times, including week-long trips. It feels strange and I keep thinking I need to justify every minute by Getting Stuff Done. DH was v stand-offish as they left. I don't know if it is because he feels angry or because he feels sad that I want the time alone.

I hope that you enjoy your time alone.

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mollyroger · 26/07/2009 17:29

Mine are with their doting auntie - it would be unkind of me not to let her...she can't have kids of her own so I let her share mine ;)

don't worry about how DH was, he was probably just projecting his mild stress onto you.

Concentrate on recharging yourself so your patience swells back up to spacehopper size, and make sure you give your dc and dh a lovely welcome when they return.

all will be well..x

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Threadworm2 · 29/07/2009 10:35

I feel that I have been really weird and selfish to have asked for this week alone. I'm afraid very much that my husband feels pushed away by it, rejected and angry. The children are phoning evey night and are having a good time, so that it good. But he is very distant.

The problem is that he has been in many ways very unsupportive and that has contributed to me feeling really stressed and miserable. I can see better now how stressed I have been. I had got to the point where the smallest tasks were horrifying and paralysing me, everything seemed a mountain. And now I am ticking lots and lots of household jobs off a long list and I feel better. And I have planned several activities for the children on their return.

But I just feel so guilty to have done this. I do suffer from depression, have just come off ADs and am having CBT, and I know that work and motherhood had increased my stress just too much recently. I don't think I would judge another woman harshly for having time alone, but I am really clobbering myself about it, and imagining or correctly perceiving my husband to be clobbering me in his mind.

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muffle · 29/07/2009 10:45

I suffer from anxiety and worry in this way so I know where you're coming from, it's horrible. But at least you know (this is what I tell myself) that the last time you had a fixated imagining like this, it wasn't true, so you know it is just coming from you. I think you can also reassure yourself by talking to DH about it (if you can phone him?) and saying you are sorry you've been so anxious and difficult about it all but you are beset by fears, and you just want them to all take care - appeal to him by asking him to do this for you to help you feel better IYSWIM.

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muffle · 29/07/2009 10:46

But he has had the exact same freedom in the past while you've been with the DC? So it's only fair - and what's more it already sounds as if you were right that you needed it and it is doing you good.

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Threadworm2 · 29/07/2009 10:56

Thank you muffle. Yes, he has had the exact same freedom many times. In fairness he works full time and I only work part time, and am at the tail end of a work project now so not very bust with paid stuff. But even though he is working, his time alone in the house must be restorative and restful for him I think. He has several times backed out of short family holidays at short notice and I just felt that I really couln't go on at a ll effectively without some time apart. I had just lost all my resilience, I just couldn't cope any more. But now I feel so really bad about it, and about my husband's hostility that I'm afraid I'm undoing the good work of the time alone.

I'm just sobbing now and have lost perspective a bit. Really wish I cou;d just stop thinking about things altogether.