Getting me so down...

[ErikaMaye]

So there is just too much going on right now. Dealing with the pregnancy, the judgement about being pregnant in the first place - the comments about my age, my disability, my illness - my boyfriends illness, various events that have occurred recently that are just building up.

And in the past few weeks, especially this week, my boyfriend has started drinking heavily. This weekend it was two bottles of wine each night, tonight its been a full bottle of vodka, Monday I had to go "collect" him from a casual day at the office because he was too drunk to walk.

I love him so much, but he gets self destructive when he's been drinking, and as much as I want to be there, to help him, to protect him, and make everything okay for him, I just can't deal with it. The thing is... In the mornings after, he can't remember. Sunday night I had to take a knife off him while he begged me to let him cut himself, tonight he's been trying to force himself to be sick. Its just all too much.

I don't want to hurt his feelings, because he's trying so DAMN hard to get over everything before the baby is born, but I really just want to cry my heart out right now.

[Ninjacat]

Hi Erika I don't really have any advise for you but as I think you know I have been 18 and pregnant. I've also spent 8 years living with a man who made me feel that I was responsible for his life. He could flip from attacking me to harming himself, whatever was needed to keep me there. Oh and using emotional blackmail to get me pg in the first place.
I know this is not your situation but the fact you are posting this shows you have an insight that something is not right here and it is not.
This man is a lot older than you and should not be subjecting you to this behaviour.

[ErikaMaye]

I really want to help him - I want to fix everything and make it all okay, but I just don't know how! He's not even registered at a GPs so I can't just book him an appointment. I can't afford to send him to the Priory or I would. I want to make it all okay so we can be good parents, and a happy family. I don't know what to do.

[Ninjacat]

Erika you can not help him. He can only help himself. You are going to have to use your energy to keep yourself well and be the best mother you can be.
What your talking about is mothering him and that is not your job.
I can't tell you what to do but I can offer a hand to hold.

[ErikaMaye]

Thing is... He's all I have. I have no friends. I spend so much time online because my social circles consist of him. I don't have anyone to turn round and ask for a hug. I know he needs to get help - I think deep down HE knows he needs to get help - but he's frightened. He's had bad experiences with mental health services in the past so stopped trusting them a long time ago. Its seems so unfair if I turn round and say "Its too much" - he's put up with so much from me. He came to hospital when I overdosed, before we were even together. He's bandaged my wrists when I cut them. I want so much to be able to be there for him, but I can't take it right now.

I've collected a list of local ED recovery and support groups in the area but that's all I can do.

He's doing so so well and I'm amazed at how much weight he's managed to gain, and although I was expecting relapses, I didn't realise it would be like go right back to the start again. And that's bringing up so much guilt about what I must have put my family through when I was going up and down.

There are a lot of triggers going on for us both right now. When I'm having a bad moment I couldn't ask for anyone better - he always knows the right thing to say to me. And we have so much fun together; I've never felt more able to be me that I do with him. I'm angry at myself for not picking up sooner that he was struggling, I'm angry at him for drinking so much, I'm angry at his mother for organising to come down this weekend to paint the whole flat as its impossible to do it all and its stressing him out, I'm angry at the mental health services for fucking up before hand so he's too nervous to get back involved...

I'm having a really hard time with everything happening in my life right now, and having him drink himself into a coma every night is painful to see, and makes me feel lonely.

I don't doubt that he'll be a good father, but I don't know how to make him get the help without making him feel like he can't be honest with me any more. I'm the only one he can talk to about it all, and I don't want to take that away from him.

Right now I just want someone to give me a hug and to tell me that everything is okay. I'm so frightened about everything with the pregnancy and the baby coming, about being a mother, about holding it together, about my conditions flaring up after birth... And the one person that can make it all okay for me, even just for five minutes, its snoring in bed, asleep on the duvet. I'm so alone.

[Ninjacat]

Erika it doesn't feel like it yet but the one person that will make it ok for you is you.
You are strong and you will survive. Believe me one day you will be sitting 10 tears down the line wondering how you ever got through but you will.
Be kind to yourself and get yourself strong, its the best you can do for both of you x

[ErikaMaye]

Thank you so much to listening to me last night. I'm struggling again at the moment, and DP's reaction to his own stress is just making it worse. He woke up last night because he heard me sobbing in the bathroom and sat up with me for hours letting me get everything off my chest. This morning we didn't talk about it, but he just cuddled me for a long while before he left for work.

Thank you again. Its very lonely in my world sometimes, and just having someone listen to me means so much.x

[Ninjacat]

x

[Ninjacat]

Erika are you ok? Just saw some of the stuff on the other post. Seems a bit worrying.

[BlueFlotsam]

Hi Erika,

I know what I want to suggest and I dont know how it will come across, I dont mean to be condescending or patronising or flippant so please forgive me if it comes out wrong.

I drink too much and I hide it from my DP.

I fill mineral water bottles with vodka and put them in the fridge. Shameful I know. However, I was thinking about you doing this in reverse. If your partner drinks at home, can you, maybe, once he gets drunk enough not to notice, substitute his vodka for water, or may be just the mixer he has it with. Okay he will be plastered already but it might stop him getting even worse.. or may be water his vodka/wine down a bit?

Does he have a set routine whereby he starts drinking with his evening meal? Can you make the meal a bit later in the evening so he has less time to spend boozing? Or suggest going for a walk after eating. Just skuppering his routine, IYSWIM?

[ErikaMaye]

Thanks Ninja x

Blue - I do sometimes do that, or pour it away and tell him that he's drunk it. He doesn't seem to have a routine, I think that was what concerned me so much, this isn't what he's normally like. I'm disabled, so getting out for a walk might be difficult, but maybe I'll come up with some ways of distracting him if I see tendancies sprouting again. Thankyou

I need to get some other stuff off my cheast as well, and I hope you'll humor me, as tonight I'm really struggling to hold it together.

I keep having the most horrible thoughts, its painful to put it into words but I need to get it out of my head, or its going to keep cutting me each time. I keep wishing I wasn't pregnant... The most horrible thought I've had is that my friend, who was pregnant at the same time as me, was "lucky" because she miscarried I have miscarried before, so I'm not entirely insesnative, I just can't help it. I keep wishing the weeks away so I can kill myself - as tempted as I am, I can't while I'm pregnant, its not fair on him. It keeps creeping up - "16 weeks left... 17 weeks and it will all be over". I didn't think I could detest myself more that I already did but I was wrong. I'm sickened with myself, but that just makes it worse. I feel like I'm prooving everyone right already - I'm a shit mother before my little boy has even left the womb.

I can't stand the sight of myself right now, I'm so disgusted with how I'm feeling, but I just don't know what to do. Its like every time he kicks, he's begging me not to hate him. It might as well be a stab in the heart. I feel sorry for him for having to even share my body, let alone be my son. Who would want such a selfish, slutty, mentally screwed up bitch for a mother? I hate myself so much right now.

The rational part of me is screaming that I need to go back on my medication, but I'm scared of doing that in case it hurts my son - I know its only a minimal chance, but its a chance all the same. Plus I feel like I need to keep up apperances for SS. I feel so messed up, nothing is clear in my head right now, emotionally I'm in so much pain I just want to scream and cry. Because of SS involvement, I don't feel like I can be honest with my parents or with my therapist, because they're both in communication with SS. DP as you can see above is struggling himself right now, so I don't really want to drag him down even further (after what was said on the other thread, he's relapsed).

It all just HURTS so much, and I don't know what to do. I love my son so much. But I honestly think he'd be better off, like so many others, if I wasn't here.

[ErikaMaye]

But that means I have to go back to my GP, and as great as he was when I first got ill... He's not particularly supportive about pregnancies, especially not teenage ones. (I think him and his wife had issues TTC so he's now quite bitter about it from what I can gather.) Althought I've discussed it with a physc. the two medications that have been suggested also raise another couple of questions. One of them (Fluroxotine Prozac) was what I was on before, and is reasonably safe during pregnancy - but at a lower dose. I was on 60mg before I started to feel any affects last time. The other one (another from the same family although I can't recall the name right now) can be used to breast feed as well, as the plasma / medication ratio is lower. So do I go on one I've been on before, which might not help because of a lower dose, and has a higher percentage in breast milk, or do I "experiment" and take my chances? Its very confusing, especially with my brain playing up today.

I'm trying to be calm, but I'm also trying to be honest.

Its just how I feel about myself. Admittedly, some of those things I have been called, and was told when I was attacked that if I was a caring human being at all I would kill myself, but that was a while ago. I know I'm being very selfish feeling the way I do, although I also know that really its a chemical imbalance making me have these thoughts. But that doesn't make it right. I've been called a slut countless times in the past few months for being pregnant. The voices I hear take the most painful parts and play them back on repeat.

He is a good man, regardless of him problems. He's struggling right now, and so am I, but that doesn't change it.

I can't get out of the house much, as the pregnancy is beginning to put strain on my ME. I miss college, but there's no point trying to go again this year. Plus I've tried twice now, and although it was the illness that stopped me completing my education, I don't know if I could deal with another failure. The one thing I did do - a mental health group which worked with professionals and ran workshops in schools to improve understanding - has ground to a hault, as we didn't get our Lottery funding, and the worker from MIND is leaving in six weeks. I lost friends from secondary school because I went to a private sixth form on a scholorship. Then I lost the friends from there when I got ME and had to leave. When I restarted at a new college last year I was only well enough to do on subject, and didn't make it in very often for that, so didn't gain many friends there, and the two I did haven't stayed in touch. I don't have a social life, and its very hard to get one, seeing how I can't keep engagements because of my health.

[Ninjacat]

OK Erica, take couple of deep breathes. Now listen to your voices, who's voice are they talking to you in? Do they all take on the same voice or are they different?
Imagine your voices talking to you in a different tone. Imagine them low and bassy, now high and squeeky like they've had helium. Imagine them slow then really fast, speed them up until the words become one. Now imagine them getting very far away, they are in a balloon and going higher and higher, further and further away. The balloon is so far away it is tiny, the voices are tiny squeaks like mice. With a tiny pop they are gone.

If they return, repeat.

Now for the suicidal feelings. As a survivor of bereavement caused by a parental suicide its hard for me to advise you without drawing too much on my own situation. Have you thought of ways to distract yourself when these thoughts occur? Is there a craft you could take up? Painting, knitting, crochet? Sounds crazy I know but sometimes it helps to busy your hands and have something monotonous to concentrait on. It's a bit like distracted meditation.

[BlueFlotsam]

Erika

What Dittany and Ninjacat are saying is brilliant.

and regards the knitting you should see the huge - and I mean huge! - throw I knitted when I was feeling down. But hey it was very theraputic.

I also think affirmations are very useful. Next time you start having negative thoughts you stop yourself and repeat for as long as is necessary something positive.....

'I am a wonderful valuable human being' or even 'Jesus loves me' whatever you think is appropriate!

Take care of yourself.

[ErikaMaye]

I called my GP this morning before I could change my own mind and booked an appointment for Monday afternoon, as that's the earliest he can see me. Nervous already...

Ninjacat thankyou, I've never tried that with Them, I'll give it a shot I hear Them almost constantly, its very confusing and complicated, so I won't bore you with all the details.

The things I hear are repeats of what I've been told before, on the most part.

I started crocheting when I was in the physc. hospital last year... It takes me a long time because of my ME, but I might dig it back out. From what I remember I was just trimming a scarf

Thanks Blue... I'll admit I'm a bit more cynical, but I've been in this mindset for so long now, that's bound to be part of it. I'll try.

I had a big talk with DP last night, was very upset, but he's perked me back up slightly. I'm going to go stay at his for a bit, as being surrounded by people all the time isn't helpful right now.

[ErikaMaye]

Yeah... I tend to do that anyway, my ME means I have a terrible memory at times!

It feels very accurate, though. I was bullied for a long time, and with the attack as well, sometimes one can't help but wonder that if so many people are saying the same thing, surely they must be right...

[Ninjacat]

Erika, can I ask, are the voices inside or outside of your head?

[ErikaMaye]

Both. I hear them differently. Sometimes its like just thinking inside, and sometimes its like eavesdropping on another conversation. The physc. has never really explained why I hear it both ways. I've always heard them. Most of the time, I can almost like turn the volume dial down on them, but sometimes, especially if I'm already in a bad way, I can't.

[Ninjacat]

I only ask because the voices you hear inside your head from a psych pov are concidered "normal" we all have them to a greater or lesser extent.
If it's the external voices that are getting worse then you might need to keep an eye on that.

[ErikaMaye]

It really ranges on a day to day. Today things are a bit better, probably because I'm at DPs and I know if I have a funny turn he knows how to deal with me, so I'm not as on edge, so They don't have as much to take advantage of. Sometimes they're so loud and so clear that I very often confuse my conversations. I really hate it, makes me feel like a total freak. Just need to hold it together until I can get back on my medication. Those ones will have to wait until after the baby is born, at least. Generally I'm doing okay - just that when I feel low, I feel low. The ADs should help a little with Them, even if it doesn't shut Them out entirely. It muffles Them, at the very least, and gives me the mental space to tell the difference between reality and what They're telling me is real. If that makes sense... Sorry for rambling.

[Ninjacat]

ramble away
Glad to see you started the scarf x

[ErikaMaye]

Thanks Ninja x

Its coming along nicely, am very impressed with myself! Taking a break to eat onion rings and watch First Wives Club