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I just don't want to wake up anymore

(18 Posts)
Roopoo Sun 19-Jul-09 17:30:33

I posted here before under a different name just after my DD was born... I thought I had PND but after a couple of weeks felt much better and thought it was just a bad case of baby blues..

DD is now 13 weeks. I love her.. I'm sure I do... I love my DH who is amazing.. but I just wish I wasn't here any more... I can't cope. I'm a crap mum and a crap wife and I just want to go to sleep and never wake up...

Everyone said that once DD got to 12 weeks she would become a different baby and everything would get easier... Well they got half of it right she did become a different baby. She just screams and screams it goes on for hours and I just want to smash my face into the nearest wall. It's driving me insane..
I can't cope I just can't.... Everyone elses babys are cooing and happy and mine is just so miserable and I wonder if Im missing tired signs or god knows what...

I hate being a mum I hate it.... I want to go back to work.. At least I was good at that..

I can't believe that 13 weeks in Im still sat on edge next to the baby monitor waiting for the screams to start...

Don't need any replies... Just needed to vent.. I know Im going to have to speak to the HV again..

I can't explain how I feel.. I don't think it's PND. I just feel like im stuck in a nightmare and it's not one that I can escape.. Can't remember the last time she didnt scream all evening..

I know this is awful please don't flame me but I wish I had never had her.. It feels like the worst thing I have ever done...

I don't think I was cut out to be a mum....

Please don't flame me.......

YommyMommy Sun 19-Jul-09 17:55:31

Hi Roopoo,

Sorry you are feeling so down about being a mum! Its no easy job, especially when your little one starts crying! I went through a few weeks of this with ds1, now 8.5months! He was fine through the day, but as soon as the evening would come he would turn into a complete nightmare! It turned out he had colic and all the wind would just build up during the day and in the evening it would obviously be very sore for him! Have you spoken to your HV???

Please try to get through this stage. I know its really difficult just now, but she won;t be this way forever! Promise!

Hope you are okay! I am hear to chat if you want! x x x

candyfluff Sun 19-Jul-09 18:00:46

oh sweetheart you poor thing -
you do have pnd im sure of it ,ive had it twice now ,its awful ,too much to explain unless you have had it .
please keep talking on here we all know how it feels now but please believe me that life can and will get better for you with the right help.
please see your gp and h.v
homestart was a life saver for me ,you can try there aswell .
there is light at the end of the tunnel xxx hugs for you

FabBakerGirlIsBack Sun 19-Jul-09 18:03:07

RooPoo - No one and nothing can truly prepare you for the reality of having a baby to care for. And no matter what anyone says, the sleep deprivation comes as a huge shock and is much worse than you can imagine.

I, and everyone else, expected me to sail through motherhood having been a nanny and the irony is I was the only one in the group to get PND.

Definitely go and see you GP tomorrow.

You need help and support and you might need some anti-depressants to get you through too.

I have three children now and have had PND after each birth as well as AND with one of them, and have had plenty of times of wanting to sleep forever and run away. I have also wished I had never had the children but really it is I wish I never found it all so hard.

Make sure you eat and drink enough and rest when you can.

candyfluff Sun 19-Jul-09 18:03:46

i cant tell you the about of times i wanted to run away from my son ,i love him so much now its sad to remember all thoses feelings of what i felt when he was a baby -i too felt id made a huge mistake and that i would never love him .
it does sound like colic though ,have you tried the meds they have for it in boots like dentinox,infacol and colief?

candyfluff Sun 19-Jul-09 18:06:50

are you still there roopoo? worried about youxxx

runawayquickly Sun 19-Jul-09 18:09:45

Nothing useful to add other than thank you for being so honest about how you feel. Many of us have been through this... but haven't had the good sense to ask opinion and do somethng about it.
Good luck, you will get through this stage more easily now you realise you need a bit of help to see that light at the end of the tunnel. See your GP asap, tell friends and family you're struggling. People will love and support you x

Roopoo Sun 19-Jul-09 19:36:16

Sorry just been away doing the nightly routine with DD. She is currently upstairs screaming with DH who is trying to get her to sleep.

I hadn't really thought of colic with her bring 13 weeks didnt think it would come on so late.. The screaming for hours at night has only come about since about week 11??

Thanks for all the replies.. Im going to have to speak to the doctor again.. I know deep down it's probably PND. Just feel like a bit of a failure really. spent all my life being broody to end up like this IYKWIM.....

It doesn't help that my mum tells me Im wrong when I say she is hard work... She tells me that she is well behaved and it's me making it out to be worse than it is...

I have so much to be thankful for, a fantasic DH and a DD I just wish I could find motherhood in some way rewarding..

Without sounding to desperate and clutching at straws what age is it that it all starts to get better... If I could just see a point to aim for probably doesn't make sense. But I have been counting down for the 3 month mark and no matter how bad things got I just kept on telling myself that it would be better at week 12 and if I could just aim for something surely I would feel better...

Please don;t worry about me Candyfluff, I feel awful that Im worrying people- Im just a pain in the arse at the moment.. I will keep on posting.. Just hubby uses the laptop for work stuff so snatch my moments when Ican

Thanks for all the support ladies x

saaa Sun 19-Jul-09 20:02:03

Just wanted to add that your mum doesn't sound very helpful. I know that was my trigger, if any one criticised me it sent me swirling into the depths of being a terrible mother, and never getting the hang of this. You need rest, sleep and positive support. You'll get there!

dan101 Sun 19-Jul-09 20:22:10

You will get through this and come out the other end. It is just so difficult when you have a child and nobody tells you just how hard it is going to be or just how much you doubt yourself and your abilities as a mother. It does sound like it is colic my son had this and he never seemed to stop crying at times, I used infacol and this seemed to make him a little happier.
Think you will find talking to your gp helpful I did and they also arranged for me to speak to a councillor which helped me a lot. I got through it and have just had my second child.

GentlyDoesIt Sun 19-Jul-09 20:35:48

You poor sweetheart.

I felt EXACTLY like this when DD was 2-4 months old. I also had a Mum who was keen to point out how unreasonable I was being and how it had been much harder for her when I was a baby.

Even if you've been through it yourself (as I have), it's very hard to remember what it's like to be in the middle of it, so don't give too much credit to the advice that you receive from people around you who are getting 8 hours of sleep a night, eating well, resting well etc. The best thing anyone can do for you right now is LISTEN to you, not tell you how to feel.

Around the time I had DD the NSPCC were running this campaign and it really helped me to know that these feelings were widely recognised.

It could be post-natal depression and it's inportant to discuss that with a HCP you can trust, as there are things that you can do to feel better very quickly. Remember, no-one has to know that you are being treated for PND but YOU. Looking for help with it does not make you a failure at all - quite the opposite.

Something that helped me with DD (who also screamed until she was 4 months old) was remembering not to take it personally. (Sometimes I had to remind myself 20 times a minute, but hey!) I had to remember that she was screaming because she was uncomfortable, in pain, or just freaked out by getting used to be alive. She was NOT screaming "You are a crap mother and you cannot meet my needs." It sounds obvious, but that really was was I was hearing some nights.

Another problem was that I set my standards too high. I gave DD a dummy around this time, which I had been super judgey & snooty about before. What a difference - she only screamed for 3 hours a day, instead of 6-8. Do whatever it takes to get your family safely through this difficult bit, and knickers to what anyone else thinks.

Anyway, please keep posting about whatever's going on for you - I and others will be very happy to just read/listen, and to reassure you that parents of every generation have felt the same way, particularly those who have received criticism from those they have turned to and asked for empathy.

YommyMommy Sun 19-Jul-09 20:38:24

Hello Again Roopoo,

Please stop beating yourself up about feeling like a bad mum! I felt exactly the same after ds1. I often wished that I never bothered having kids (don;t get me wrong, I loved him more than life its self...but!). I suffered/suffer with anxiety and I often think if I didn't have the boys I would still be the person I used to be! I wouldn;t give up the boys up for the world, but being a mum can be really hard! As they get older, it def gets easier in my opinion! I didn;t really enjoy my ds1 for the first few months of his life. I prefer the toddler age! Much more fun! Ever since I can remeber I wanted to be a mum and I hate the fact that it hasn;t all be smooth sailing! It will get easier, although I don;t think I could give you a time, sorry! Toddler age for me! 9/10 mths?!

Honetly go to boots tomorrow and ask them for stuff for Colic, it might take a few day to work but will be worth it is she does have colic! Also, do you mind if I ask how you are feeding her as it maybe that the formula isn;t sgreeing with her little tummy or if you are bf then she might be hungry? Just a few things to think about! Sorry if I'm not being much help hmm!

Could your mum maybe take her to stay over night for you? Just to give you a nights break?

Really hope you feel better soon! x x x

GentlyDoesIt Sun 19-Jul-09 20:40:32

-really was was I was hearing? blush think I had a sleep deprivation flashback there, sorry! Meant to say - "that was really what I was hearing."

Roopoo Sun 19-Jul-09 21:34:56

Hiya YommyMommy - She has been on SMA Gold since she was about 3 weeks old. We did try breast feeding but I had to take 4 lots of antibiotics for an infection that wouldn't clear up so ended up FF....

I constantly look forward to the toddler stage too. But then feel awful that Im wishing her little life away..

I love her so much, but I feel like I can't go to any of the play groups etc at the moment as if she doesnt nap at regular times then she screams even more.....

Thanks for everyone's support....

YommyMommy Mon 20-Jul-09 10:47:57

Morning Roopoo,

How are you feeling today?

I fed both my boys SMA after difficult bfing at the beginning! The were both totally fine on SMA gold, but both moved on quickly to SMA white as they were hungry boys! lol! I know some people move their unsettled babies onto aptimal as its supposed to be more gentle on the tummy??? Anyway, please get something for colic today and see if that starts to settle her any in a few days!

When my ds1 was I baby I constantly wished his little life away and sometimes I do wish I was able to enjoy him more as a baby, but I can;t dwell on the past! He is loved, happy, content so I don't feel like he has suffered due to me being the way I was!

Are you with your dd on your own through the day? Would it be possible for you to go out in the evening with a friend once or twice a week and just let dh deal with dd? Just to give yourself a break!

Do you feel like you might have a touch of PND or do you think you are just at your wits end at the moment?

x x x x

Roopoo Mon 20-Jul-09 11:34:48

Hiya YommyMommy
I am feeling really down (have suffered depression when younger) Im just not sure if it is the constant screaming that is getting me down or just stuff in general..
I rang my mum this morning and she is coming round in abit... Think I like to try and deal with everything on my own and maybe I need to let go a little and let other help...

To be honest I sometimes wonder If Im making out she is worse than she is.... i think she cries excessively etc but maybe all babies do and Im just not dealing with it as well as other people are...

I think she is fine on SMA Gold... Maybe I expect too much from her as she is only 3 months....

I think I need to speak to my Doctor though.. As although Im feeling pretty Ok today I know that I have periods of the day when I feel like just walking out into the road and ending it all.... That can't be a good thing hey!! Don't worry though I would never do it....

candyfluff Mon 20-Jul-09 11:44:10

hi roopoo,please tell your mumhow your feeling and then try to get an appointment with you gp this week
thinking of you xxx

YommyMommy Mon 20-Jul-09 16:24:05

Hi Roopoo,

Sorry you ae feeling down but I am so glad you have asked your mum to come round! There is no shame in asking for help when you need it!

No one deals well with a screaming baby!

I am glad you are going to see your GP, maybe you do have a touch of PND so they will be able to help you deal with it and most importantly get better!

I hope your day has gotten better with your mum coming round!

Still here to chat if you want grin x x x

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