Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, see our mental health web guide which can point you to expert advice.

Dad gone child like-Poor man.He's going to die I know it!

(46 Posts)
parker1313 Sun 19-Jul-09 10:17:59

My dad lost his brother 6weeks ago now.
He was in shockk for 2weeks and functioned normally and cried normally.
2 days after the funeral so 2 weeks after the death my dad became very anxious and began to lose more sleep and his appetite.
His stomach was the main symptom.Does everyone know what I mean when I say the stomach turns over,butterflies but a hundred times worse,nervous feelings etc.My dad has always had an anxiety issue and it always goes straight to his tummy.He has never had to be treated for it and has lived with it ok.It hasnt affected his every day living.
He did had a breakdown 20yrs ago and was admitted to hosp to be observed and supported back to normal health he then carried on as normal.
He has a lot of stress in his life.My parents live in an absolute shit hole.I have with my dads say so got them on the housing needs register so they can get out of there as its almost unhabitable.It really is the pits. Its a long story really,had council round lots of sorting out on my behalf and has been an upsetting journey.They were offerd a lovely flat in a lovely area but hey, my wonderful, giving, thoughtful mother refused to move and came up with lots of excuses and even thought my dad should remortgage(at the age of 62) and do the house up!!Just to give you a rough idea how bad the house is,it should sell for £130.000 but they were quoted as a drive by valuation and on the information given by me, it would sell for £40.000 tops!
I had to go back in to the house after leaving it 11 yrs ago.It brought back lots of memories bla bla bla.
Back to my dads health.
6days after the funeral I took dad to the docs to find a solution to the anxiety in his tummy.Doc put him on ad's.I demanded he be seen by a mental health team so the doc reluctantly did a referral.
The next day I spoke to dad on the fone and I made the decision to take him to a and e(not the right place i know but desperate)
They gave him some diazapan (which I should add my dad had already been given this when he took himself to the docs a week after the passing,so 3 days before the funeral)and sent him on his way back the that shit hole.
I then received a call asking from the mental health team for an appointment 2 days after the a and e visit.
We attended the appointment and he was assessed.Lady referred straight to the crisis team that evening.The appointment could not take place at his home where it would normally take place as the house is not suitable for people to go in and my dad just could not cope with the embarrassment and stress of it all.
The crisis team asked all the right questions and came up with sleeping tablets.
My dad refused to let people in the house so he could not be officialy transferred to the crisis team and be on their books!

This is such a long story and i must go loo and scared of losing all this so posting now

l39 Sun 19-Jul-09 14:31:27

You sound very upset. I think you wanted to add more to explain your dad's health now, so if he's not mentally ill but has dementia or something, I can only say I'm sorry. If it is still mental illness though, I can say from experience that people can come back amazingly from a terrible state. My mum has had 5 serious breakdowns with depression and spent many months in hospital, totally out of touch with reality, looking 30 years older than her age, unable even to feed herself. Yet she has come back from this to normal, happy living. (She's not doing perfectly at the moment but is still a long way from her worst.) Don't lose hope.

parker1313 Sun 19-Jul-09 15:04:57

Since the crisis team appointment he slept well each night for about 8days.The sleeping tablets are now not working.He is getting kidney pain and has stopped eating since Thursday night.
He went doctors last wed and they took a urine sample and it returned all clear.
He had a meal on Thursday evening and since then it has all spiraled completely out of control.
My dad would never let anyone go in into the house and lives very nervously that someone will come and knock.When someone does knock at the door he jumps out of his skin.Any loud noises and he jumps and has to take a deep breath to calm himself.
My mum and dad live together and tolerate each other.They have been together for so long and my dad is quite reliant on her.She bullies him and controls him.My mum is a very strange person.She doesnt go to parties or occassions or funerals or any sort of gathering.She does go to anyting which she loves like patchwork workshops,weekends,lessons etc.
She visits an old neighbour and slags my dad off.The neighbour then informs the entire street of the latest on the state of the house,how it got like that and how my dad has failed and how he shouldnt of let the house get that way and that he never done anything!
On Friday I called my dad and he said help in a way that I could not bare to hear.He also said I love you as if it was the last time he would be able to say it.He said he's gone! "Help,Im gone,Im gone"
I called the mental health team and they gave me the number for the crisis team.
I called them and they said he isnt on our books and that the mental health team are wrong for giving out the number.She referred me back to the mental health team.I was told they would try contact and asked if they could round.They said they would call me back.They didnt call me back.(baring in mind that I was in floods of tears on the fone).
I called them and they couldnt find out who was dealing with it and said someone would call me back.
In the meantime I am trying to pack for a weekend away as planned some time ago with my dh, lots of friends and both my children.
I didnt get a call back and it has passed 5pm.
I couldnt cope with speaking to my dad so I text a few times.I break down when I hear him in this way and its confusing my dc.Its not good for them to see so much.Iv been doing it alot lately and they were so excited about goinhg away.
We arrived and set up tent etc.
I then text my dad yesterday morning and got a mixed up reply saying send team to 17 fed help.
I called the house to try and talk to mum but my dad answered and all I could here was very fast breathinbg and whales of screaming pain.
I hung up and dialled 999.
I explained that dad had not eating,he was having sort of panic attack and that he is diabetic and hadnt eaten for 30 ish hours.
They sent an ambulance out.
I called my mums mob and she picked up.I asked her in a polite way where she was and that I had to call 999.
She replied attacking me with the fact that she had to go shopping for dog food and that the dog had to be fed.She was shouting and I just hung up.
I called the a&e dept some time later and they said he was waiting to be assessed.
I then called about 2hrs later and they said he was waiting to be assessed!!
In the meantime we had packed up and was on our way home.I knew I couldnt do anything if I was there but I had this need to be with him and by his side with the support I had been giving.I thought maybe they would admit him to a psychiatric ward for help.
I walked in to and a&e and was taken to my dad.He was alone.My mum had let him go off in the ambulance all alone and sit in a&e all alone.
He looked childlike with such extreme panic in his eyes.He was shaking,twitching,dry mouth.He was complaining of not being able to poo or wee.He said he had done a wee that morning and that it had blood in it.The doctor came in and asked him to do a wee sample.Dad said he couldnt go.He is scared of whats happening to his body and thinks its all packing up.He keeps saying he cant explain.
I insisted to the doctor for them to get the crisis team down here and that this is not normal.Iv never seen a grown man like this.It was very upsetting.My dad just kept apologising.
After some time the crisis lady turned up and had a chat.She said from hearing what my dad said that she is handing back to the medics to rule out anything physical.
He has now been booked in for a scan on tuesday to scan his kidneys.
They gave him this scan has a fob off.
They just wanted to get him out of there.The doctor also pointed out but not in so many words that because I said to 999 that he was diabetic and hadnt eaten was the only reason they brought him to hosp.They clearly had no time for him and wanted rid as did the crisis lady.
I understand that something physical needs ruling out but she couldnt wait to get out of the room and maybe should get a local paper and apply for a different career!
We left the hosp.I was so upset that I had to return him to that house with her!
My dad wont stay anywhere else as he has hardly any clothes and wouldnt want to put on anyone.
He is being helpless.Im at the end.I dont know what I can do.He insists it physical.He still hast eaten.Iv just spoken to him.He has stopped all medication apart from his ad's as he says nothing will go down.
He takes tablets for blood pressure,cholestril,diabetes.
Just before my dad was put in the ambulance my mum thru all his mediaction across the room and they went everwhere.She was angry that I called 999.When he returned from hosp she had a go at him for ruining my camping hols.
I told her that we all came home as it was raining and hadnt stopped.(a lie)
Im very down and not sure what to do or where to turn.My dh is ok but its hard for anyone to understand I suppose.
My dad says that nothing happens when he eats.He isnt making any sense to me at all.
Im frustrated but very sad about it all.I just feel so saad that my dads life is really quite a shambles.I want to get him away from her and blame her for all of it.
SHe lacks support and understanding.
She is mean and sefish.
Aside from all fo this.My dad is the most genuine person anyone could ever meet.He is so so polite and over apologises.
He is kind and funny.He has worked hard all his life.He is shy and sweet.
He just met the wrong woman.He lacks confidence.He has a kind heart.I love him more than anything.
I have terrible nightmares that I will see him in the chapel of rest.I then have dreamds that my mum is in the chapel of rest and that she is not to go in the swame chapel that my nan and uncle were in.That she wont deserve that!!
I feel I need help and support and am alone.I think I may need something.
This has helped a little even if no one comments or reads it.Its good to write/tyoe it out.
sad

kormachameleon Sun 19-Jul-09 15:13:48

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

parker1313 Sun 19-Jul-09 15:21:23

In our area they dont admit to physchiatric wards unless you have attempted suicide for the 1st time or you have an illness like scisoprenia.
They have a crisis team that come out to the home and talk and support and visit regularly.
It changed some time ago.The wards were full of people like my dad not wanting to help themselves taking up beds.
They wont admit and any mention that I made of it they almost shudder at the sound or even mention of it.Its drummed into them that they mustn admit unless very serious.
My dads case to them is not serious.
Thank you. for your concern

parker1313 Sun 19-Jul-09 15:22:21

Sorry that sounds like I think my dad doesnt want to get better.I didnt mean that

stubbyfingers Sun 19-Jul-09 15:41:00

I'm so sorry to read this story, it sounds like you feel very isolated and alone with the enormous responsibility of your dad's well-being.

I don't have any experience of what you are going through but has your dad had any contact with social services yet? I'm not sure if the Crisis team are NHS or Social Services but there may be another perspective of how to provide help and support for your dad from a social work team.

I wish I could help more. Good luck and I hope you both get some help soon.

parker1313 Sun 19-Jul-09 16:19:29

Yes of course the social services.Im not sure how to contact but certainly wil give them a go.

stubbyfingers Sun 19-Jul-09 16:30:15

In my area, you can just ring the council switch board and ask to be put through to social services. They will then take all the details and pass it on to the relevant team for assessment.

parker1313 Sun 19-Jul-09 17:00:40

Ok Il give that a try.Thank you everyone

ShinyPinkShoes Sun 19-Jul-09 17:17:10

My Nan exhibited symptoms very similar to what you describe and she actually had a urinary tract infection. I would take him along to the GP and see what help they can offer.

So sorry you are going through this x

bigstripeytiger Sun 19-Jul-09 17:17:27

Has your dad been back to the GP since the appointment where the antidepressents were started, and the mental health referral made?

morningsun Sun 19-Jul-09 17:24:46

Hi there,just to say what an awful lot of responsibility you have at the moment and how caring you are.
It seems this crisis is bringing back some bad feelings/memories.

Can I suggest making an urgent appt at the GPs tomorrow~for tomorrow

explain he is grieving,anxious,has no support from your mum

explain some sort of crisis has developed which you don't fully understand,but you need help to sort out,be it physical,mental,or both.

that you have never seen him like this and feel he is in danger

I hope you get some help.

Can he come to stay with you for a couple of days?

Maybe the intense distress has altered his eating/drinking and has triggered a health deterioration which is making everything worse

All the bestx

parker1313 Sun 19-Jul-09 18:09:22

I have spoken to the gp on Thursday morning but not again since.
What do social services do?
What are they actually for?
Could they help?
I will see the gp as well.
He has a follow up appointment tomorrow with the menatl health services but Im sure they are just going to say to wait for the scan results.Will prob wait for scan results then go gp after that because Im sure he will say to wait for the results as well.
Thank you for all this response.I am so lost and maybe need to see the gp about myself very soon.sad

parker1313 Sun 19-Jul-09 18:12:43

I only live in a small house and just do not have the room.Also Im sure if my ds would like what he will see in my dads face.He really is very very different lookin.His eyes would frighten my ds.
It just wouldnt be fare.
My dad is such a fantastic grandad and constantly plays with the dc.He wouldnt be able to and they wouldnt understand.
I wish he had broken his legs or something instead.At least it would be understood a bit better by all.

FabBakerGirlIsBack Sun 19-Jul-09 18:16:35

Is there any way you can persuade your dad to go and stay with you for a bit?

It all sounds unbearably difficult and stressful but you dad staying with you will give him a break from your mum and you will be able to keep an eye on him.

parker1313 Sun 19-Jul-09 19:09:16

I really wish he could.My auntie has offered to have him there but that would add to his stress as he would constantly worry about being a burden to people.

morningsun Sun 19-Jul-09 19:19:09

you know him best but perhaps he needs to be looked after for a while even if he isn't very keen.
Would the anxiety settle down if you told him it's just for a few days to get him back on his feet?

parker1313 Sun 19-Jul-09 19:30:43

He wont go.Iv put it to him 3-4 times and he just wont have it.
Will social services be able to help?
Its really sad that a person gets to this state in life and is left really to get thru it.
Iv just spoke to him again and he's had 1weetabix.He is in such a mess.Heavy breathing,panciked voice.
He is unkept,smells,unshaven,black bags under his eyes.
Its sad that a human is left and expected to get thru it and its not urgent!
I feel for him and cannot stop thinking the worst.
I just dont know what I would do if he passes away like this.
I have to get him back to normal health.
Cruel cruel world,
Of course if we had loads of money I could place him in private care and he would be in luxury and get sorted and have lots of tlc.

EccentricaGallumbits Sun 19-Jul-09 19:40:57

Has he actually been admitted to hospital?

This may seem an arse backwards way to get help but if he is in hospital waiting for medical tests things can be done while he is there.

You can ask for a social services assessment. You tell the nurse looking afetr him he needs help at home, that he and your mum need help at home. Tell them he needs a home assessment to start with.

He can be assessed by the metal health team. Tell whoever is looking after him, Dr or nurse what is going on. Ask for an official meeting or a case conference.

If he isn't an inpatient the gp should be able to help. Tell the GP he needs a mental health assessment and a social services assessment.

Don't ask. Tell.

It is very sad and such a worry for you but from the sounds of it your lovely Dad is struggling with his grief and really needs help.

parker1313 Sun 19-Jul-09 19:53:14

He isnt in hospital no.They sent him home in that state.It wasnt an emergency so no need for him to be there!!
He must be so exhausted from this panic he is in.

parker1313 Mon 20-Jul-09 19:01:56

What a day!!
Had appointment this morning with the mental health.She spent about 5minutes with us and said she is going to make a few phone calls.
She came back about 10mins later.She said she had spoken to the crisis team and a doctor and she has adviced that my dad be admitted on account that he hadnt eaten since Thursday and has barely drunk.
His mouth had all white stuff around it.He smelt really bad.
She was so nice and asked all the right questions.
My dad is convinced that he has a blockage in his tummy and everything he has gets stuck there.
He thinks that the last meal he ate on Thursday is rotting in his tubes.(?)
He has wrote a note saying goodbye to us all and sorry for all this.
Its not really a suicide note but just that he is so scared that he thinks he's not going to make it.
The lady said that the crisis team are the gate keepers to being admitted and that they are coming to visit dad either at his house or my house.I persuaded them to visit at dads house so they could really see the big picture of how he is living.
He was very unkeen and didnt want them to come to his house.He has NEVER let anyone come in the house so for him to back down an allow it meant he is so so desperate.
I dropped dad back off at home.
I went back at 4pm to meet the crisis team at dads house.
They had no intention of admitting him at all and you could tell that right from the start.
The lady didnt seem concerned about his mental health and focused very much on the physical symptoms dad is having.
He is booked in for a scan tomorrow and she kept on about ruling out anything physical first before looking at the mental health side of it.
I explained that dad had not eaten or hardly drank since Thurs.She said "He has drank,you can tell that by looking at him"
She made me feel like I was lying.
She asked my dad if he ahd lost weight and he replied with the truth.She looked at him as if he was lying.This was the same lady who we originally saw the first time we saw the crisis people.She said "I saw you on the 1st July" and she made a face indicating that he didnt look any different.
She said there are no beds so we cant admit you anyway.I just feel so let down.Its clearly what my dad wanted.
He is beside himself now and is going to worry about the hole thing more and more.He will go over in his head about them coming into the house and how embarrassed he was.
It was such an ordeal for them to come in like that.
Im so angry!!!!!!!!!

I do sort of understan that they need to rule out physical but Im worried about the results tomorrow.
Either way,if they come back clear will they then believe its his mental health and admit him.Will my dad believe then that it is in his head?
Is it a scan that will show if anything is wrong?
Will my dad believe its his mental health if its clear?
How am I going to cope with this again tomorrow.
I was shaking and my stomach was turning over itself before I went into the house today.I feel shattered and my head hurts.
Im done in!!

FabBakerGirlIsBack Mon 20-Jul-09 19:25:16

Can you stay with him tonight to make sure he is okay?

parker1313 Mon 20-Jul-09 20:09:24

I really cant there is no bed for me to sleep in or even a chair.My mum is with him and Iv asked to her to really keep an eye on him.

staggerlee Mon 20-Jul-09 22:01:44

Parker, I'm a mental health social worker and most mental health teams have both social services and health staff who work very closely together.

In older people what appear to be symptoms of mental illness can sometimes be caused by physical problems such as urinary tract infections.
However some of your dad's symptoms such as him believing that something is rotting in his stomach would concern me as this can sometimes be a symptom of mental illness.

The other option you could consider is if your mum requesting a formal Mental Health Act assessment to be undertaken on your dad. As his nearest relative she has a legal right to request this. This would involve him being assessed by 2 doctors and another professional-usually a social worker- and would enable a thorough assessment of his mental health to be undertaken. If you dad is mentally unwell one of the options they could consider is hospital admission and this could be against his will.
I understand that there are problems with your mum so I don't know whether you think this is a good option.
I'm sorry for your situation and hope your dad gets the help he needs

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now