dhis very depressed and am strugling to cope with it!

[trace2]

since dd was born with illness and our son got dx with aspergers dh got very depressed he as been on lots of different meds loads of different kinds of mental health doctors , and he still the same.

i have lot to cope with the children and am struggling to be supportive at the moment ,i know i should be there for him but dont know how much more i can take with the crying, and going of his head at the littlest things . i have tried talking to him but seems like he dont hear me as two mins later hes shouting again at nothing

what can i do to try and tell him or help him, befor i either leave him or even bloody kill him? i have tried saying i will leave as i carnt take much more ,its been two years now and getting worse.

[YommyMommy]

Hi trace2,

Sorry to hear ur having a crappy time right now! You sould like you have a lot to deal with and well done for holding it together this long! Not sure I would have!

I don't really have much experience of depression (more anxiety ). But don;t want your post to go unanswered. Does you husband do much to help himself? By that I mean try to get out of the house for some time to himself, hobbies, etc? Sounds like he has had a lot of help, so its sad to hear that he is not further forward! Could you both take a break from each other for a few weeks? Not suggesting that you split up, but if you don;t do something you might end up getting dragged under too with all the stress/pressure iykwim???

I'm here to chat if ou want to post more? Sometime just venting your anger can help!?

Sorry not been much help ! Just know I am here! I am sure someone with better advise will be along soon!

x x x

[alypaly]

trace2
Dont know where you live, but in Knutsford
there is a special centre for children and adults with Asbergers disease. I believe it is a day care centre and some of them are residential. I am sure there will be centres near you that can offer some time out for you. You are no help to anyone least of all yourself if you are in bits too. Dont forget that you are entitled to some quality time out and a life aswell.

I know what depression is like as I suffered from it for many years afetr having baby no 1. The docs thought it was post natal depression but it went alot deeper than that.

Mine were due to abuse from my brother as a young girl and it all materialised as part and parcel of post natal. Took years to get my head sorted out and counselling but I am now thro the other side.

There is another side to all this struggle and eventually you will come out of it as amuch stronger person.
My theory ws to make a list of things that were troubling me and then i listed the ones i cud deal with and the ones i couldnt and i slowly worked thro them and ticked them off. Dont let them all mount up deal with each problem as it arises and dont let them build up into a mountain.

[trace2]

thank you so much for replying!!

we having nothing really that way but we see ds pead and she is really good but can only do so much for us, also we have a nurse coming for dd and we do off load to her too, and ours ds pead thinks dh as aspergers too which may contribute to dh depression.

he as lost all of his friends due to this no hobbies nothing he don't ,wont even do the garden now. i have tried believe me to get him doing things since he lost work due to this ,but the is only so much i can do, he don't even brush his teeth now! and tbh i think his depression as a lot to do i th not speaking to his dad since he was 11 years old and his mumdont sem to care about dh or his children unless it suits her.

i couldn't do time out as i have no where to go neither as he unless we finish for good but i know i will strugle on my own.

alypaly so soory for what as happened to you in the past but well done getting your head round such a horrible thing.

may be i just needed to write this down, but he sat here now miserable ever ,i should be happy that my kids are here with me .

[alypaly]

i thought i would struggle on my own but i became a single mum when son no 1 was 5 and no2 was 1 1/2yrs old and to be honest it was hard but we have always had a really amicable relationship since, in fact we still go out for a drink now and then and are toghether at xmas and birthdays. But he did nothing to helpm e with a very premature baby and i was scared out of my wits. He just went out to work and then went golfing when he came home. He expected me to be superwoman and do all the cooking cleaning, shopping, decorating and gardening,ironing and in any spare minute possibly nookie if he was lucky or if i cud stay awake long enuf. After five years of this i had had enuf. Now my time is my own and i am mum and dad to my boys who are now 16 and 21 and they really respect how hard i have worked. it does get easier honestly. I know what aspergers can be like as one of my friends is a carer for them and i went for a job to work with them, but adults are slightly harder to work with because they are so strong when they have a tantrum.

[YommyMommy]

Trace2, would I be wrong to think/say that the only thing keeping you with your husband right now is fear of you being on ur own? I have two young kids ds 3 and ds 8 mths, my husband is away more than home with work and I manage fine with the boys when he is gone! Don;t ever doubt your abilities and you sound like a brilliant lady/mum!

Ur dh sounds like he has given up and if he has gotten to the point where he can;t even be bothered brushing his teeth anymore then I think he need serious help as he sounds like he is in a prety dark place right now! This is not good for your or the kids to be around. Sorry if I sound horrible as depression is a horrible thing to suffer from and my heart goes out to anyone in that position, but your dh has to be willing to help himself to an extent or he will never get out of the dark place.

Deep down what do you really want to do? Even if thats not possible, what do you want to do???

x x x

[alypaly]

I agree with YommyMommy, its not worth staying with anyone just becos u r frightened of being on your own or becos u feel sorry 4 them.If its not working...its going to be difficult to get it back on track. If i had a partner who wouldnt even clean his teeth i wud either take him for some psychiatric help 4 his depression or i wud put my foot down and tell him to stop feeling sorry for himself. If this is all down to his dad from when he was 11 yrs old he needs to come to terms with whatever the problem was about and either sort it out once and for all with his dad or go and get proper counselling. I found writing a letter and putting everything i hated about my brother very therapeutic and whether he does that, it is up to him. Whether he sends it or not it is up to him as well, but reading it , sadness,hate and crying until you can cry no more, REALLY WORKED FOR ME. It was a kind of inner cleansing but i also phoned my brother, after i had a nervous breakdown and told him what i thought of him and that i as far as i was concerned my family didnt want anything to do with a paedophile. It really helps to get it off your chest. You never forget the pain they have caused but you learn a way of coping with the stress they caused you.Get some help b4 u go under with all your stress becos it is a tough road back when u hit that bottom rung of the ladder

[maria1665]

I speak as someone who has suffered from depression periodically in the past.

The best advice I have ever heard for the partner of a depressive was to implement a rule that you don't put up with bad behaviour - no agression or abuse, verbal or physical. I think I heard it on woman's hour and it struck a chord. I would be passively aggressive - but was so lost in myself and my own pit of despair that I no concept of how my intense miserableness was affecting my partner.

A rule that while my depression was acknowledged as being real and serious, but it did not justify aggression to those I loved, would have really helped.

Cognitive behavioural therapy (from a fully qualified and highly expensive psych doctor) helped me enormously - hugely. It may well help your husband - but if you try it, try and get one from a reputable source - they seem to be ten a penny at the moment.

Good luck.

[trace2]

no not really i have been on my own befor i left my first hubby with two kids after 15 years of marriage and yes found it hard but i did it, them met this dh i loved how different kind and caring he was to my other h who well am not going into that, its over with!

i do love my dh i really do if he would just try and get better and yes i do think hes in a dark place and all he ever says i can not help it, i just want to help him but how can i when he wont help him self?

[imaynotbeperfectbutimokmummy]

You say that he is on medication. Is he receiving any counselling at all, he sounds like he really needs it. As somone with depression i do sympathise as you I do loose sight of how it affects my dp. He has been great but doesn't really "get it" and it makes it hard for him to understand.

I think its time your dh went with you to the doctors and insisted on getting some help - it took for my DP to take me to the doctors and tell them that they had better do something before one of us ended up getting hurt, or worse .

You do sound incredibly strong, maybe this is a problem for your DH because you have held it together when he has fallen apart. It is very easy just to sit back when one partner is doing it all - try asking him for help maybe? Just a thought, might not work.

[wrinklytum]

Hi Trace,really empathise with your sit.Have 2 dcs 5+3 1 with sn,and dh who is depressed atm following being very poorly with chronic ilness.Recently have got mental health services involved and MHN is suggesting dp to try some CBT(cognitive behavioural therapy) which is as a talking therapy as adjunct to his anti-ds.

Can you persuade him to goto gp?Would he be up to maybe writing down some of his thoughts even if he cannot express them verbally and you could go to gp with him and what he has written?

I really really empathise,I posted a rather drunken rambly thread on here the other night about being fed up of being the one doing it all.You are doing the best you can under very stressful circs.Look after yourself,Wrinkly.

ps do you get any input from SS,they have proven invaluable for us providing some care for dd enabling me to work.The lady who comes also will keep an eye on dp too but is really there for dd.We are awaiting an adult ss assessment to see if we can get any support in for himxxx

take care xx