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As if things weren't bad enough.... my Mum has been to Womans Aid to get a house to leave my Dad!

(54 Posts)
Toothache Thu 19-May-05 21:53:36

It's been coming for years, she should have done it when my sister and I were kids. but she didn't. The reason she has the courage to do it now is coz sis and I are grown up and we are TELLING her how much hell my 2 wee brothers are going through (aged 13 and 16) with my Mum and Dad arguing horribly every night. It was awful to grow up in that environment, but he worked away most of the time (2weeks away 2 weeks at home) so we just got on with it. Plus my Gran was round every day and she was more like the other parent to us than Dad. But 10 yrs on Gran is in a home with severe Parkinsons and Dad is home every night.

I can't go into all the details, but he doesn't beat her up or anything. It's all verbal, and he does it to the 4 of us kids too.

At the moment, due to my Project Manager being off sick...... my Dad has been transferred, and is now my boss.

With everything my marriage, DH's work..... I just don't know what else can go wrong.

I know its the right thing for my Mum to do, but how do I deal with this??? They talk about each other all the time, Dad even slags off my Mum to all the guys at work when I'm sitting there. I have told him on more than one occasion that he is a bastard and a bully. But he thinks if he apologises then its ok. I know my Mum has been to a lawyer, housing dept and womans aid. They will probably get her and the boys a house in the next few weeks, but she hasn't spoken to my Dad since Sunday. And he keeps asking me.

What a mess. I can't stay out of it as I work with my Dad and my Mum has no friends. My sister won't talk about it either.

Just needed to spew that out....

bubblerock Thu 19-May-05 21:56:57

It never rains hey toothache?

How long is your project manager off for? I think your Mum needs the support and well done her for making that brave step!!

It's going to be difficult for you but hopefully it will all work out in the end - I always feel things happen for a reason

Toothache Thu 19-May-05 21:57:39

And I'm drinking again tonight...... I have to work with him tomorrow. It's not every day as I am in the head office 1 or 2 days a week and only site based 2 or 3 days. But I've started smoking again too. Just feel like I need a crutch and DH doesn't really know how to help with this...... who would.

Toothache Thu 19-May-05 21:59:08

True Bubblerock - The project manager probably won't return, he's 62 and wanted early retirement any. I've updated my CV today as I feel I have no choice but to get another job.

I know it is for the best, even my brothers want her to do this.

bubblerock Thu 19-May-05 22:00:22

Nooo don't start smoking again, you'll only regret it - how long had you given up for?

Toothache Thu 19-May-05 22:02:25

1 yr.... 4 months. Since I was 2 month pg with dd. I'm only smoking whne I drink. And I know I'll never go back to smoking properly as this has been happening now for about a month. If I don't drink.... I have absolutely no urge to smoke. I just need something.... just for me.

Toothache Thu 19-May-05 22:15:56

Hello? Anyone?

>blatant bump<

bubblerock Thu 19-May-05 22:22:18

Bump for Toothache before I go to bed! - Take care hun xx

Gomez Thu 19-May-05 22:27:42

Hey Tooty - you still around?

Gomez Thu 19-May-05 22:43:42

Take it not. Chin up love and take care. And leave those bloody fags alone .

Toothache Fri 20-May-05 07:49:53

Thanks Gomez, my crappy PC died last night! Great timing!

I'm sitting in the portacabin this morning listening to my Dad talk about how he hasn't spoken to my Mum since Sunday coz she's decided to just sit upstairs in my wee brothers room (where she sleeps) until she gets a house. My Dad still thinks she's bluffing and is blaming it on the menapause. He said to me this morning "I've never changed, I have my faults but have had them since she met me. It's your Mum that has changed and turned into a monster".

Toothache Fri 20-May-05 08:24:56

I know I have been posting A LOT of my problems here lately. But it seems to have all happened at once. I could really do with some pearls of wisdom, or even just a cyber hug! >shudder<

One positive thing that might come from this is that my marriage could get stronger. I spoke to DH last night about it and told him that I'd be needing lots of support to get through this. He was great and managed to say just the right things to make me feel like I really won't have to face this on my own as I have had to with loads of issues in the past.

I'm not depressed about this, but I'm worried and anxious and stressed about it. When so many things pile up like this I just feel like hiding in denial..... but then that makes things worse I know.

Toothache Fri 20-May-05 08:27:06

Oh GOD... look..... it's happened! I've finally flipped..... I'm posting to myself! [lunatic emoticon]

Toothache Fri 20-May-05 08:30:24

Oh GOD... look..... it's happened! I've finally flipped..... I'm posting to myself! [lunatic emoticon]

Toothache Fri 20-May-05 08:30:56

TWICE!

anorak Fri 20-May-05 08:39:05

Hi toothache, just wanted you to know someone's here. Hold tight, count to 10 and then count to 10 again!!

I hope things get better for you sweetheart.

I have to take ds to school now, I'll log on again at noon.

batters Fri 20-May-05 08:39:19

toothache, I couldn't believe this thread was yours .

First of all well done on your mum for finally doing something about the violence. I hope she sees it through, I really do. And if in the midst of it all you can feel proud that your mum has done this, and know that it is the right thing for her and for your brothers then that is good.

It seems as if you are really stuck in the middle here, especially if your mum has no friends to go to for support and if you are working with your dad. Would it be possible for you to talk to your dad on his own and ask that all this private family stuff remains just that, and that he doens't discuss it with you at work. I don't know what sort of man he is, or if that will work, but I think that you deserve to be able to come into work and leave your private life at home IFYSWIM. I know that this isn't the answer to everything, but at least it could give you some breathing space?

It does though sound as if your dh is going to support you well through this, which is brilliant, especially since you two have also been through the mill recently. But why won't your sister talk about it? Doesn't she want to become involved? If you asked her for some support, for your mum as well as you, how would she react?

Not a very helpful post, sorry, but once I spotted you chatting away to yourself I felt I had to do something!!

Toothache Fri 20-May-05 08:44:53

Thanks Batters and Anorak.

My Dad is an unreasonable man to say the least. I have told him loads of times not to drag me into it.

My sister and I have a very dodgy relationship. She went off the rails for year or 2 and we didn't speak (my choice) for 7 months. She is so bitter that my Mum wouldn't leave him when we were children. She has the attitude: why can she do it for our Brothers, but couldn't do it for us 2 daughters. She said is sick hearing about it and she's been hearing from Mum for 10 yrs that she's leaving him. My sister is 15mths older than me.

My Dad had an affair which was revealed by an anonymous letter to my Mum. The affair turned out be a 15yr one. I was 15 when we found out and I told my Dad that we all knew. That caused riots and he ended the affair over the phone as my Mum, sister and I stood there. She should have left him then, but she had no job and the 2 boys were still preschool age.

acnebride Fri 20-May-05 09:11:43

Toothache, what a situation - like the edge of a precipice and you're right in the middle. I feel for you all and tbh especially for those boys.

What's your work? can you get out at all today so you're not nose to nose with him?

I'd just reply 'mmm' to anything he says that upsets you - that's what I do with my parents when they talk about each other, but I'm a cold fish. You're obviously not. <<<hug>>>

Toothache Fri 20-May-05 09:16:09

Acnebride - I'm on a compound on the edge of Petrochemical site so there really is no where to go. And today we have a deadline to meet which means we have to work together. Ho hum..... Saying Hmmm definitely seems to be best route. He's always looking for me to confirm that he is fine and my Mum is horrible. Perhaps he'll lose interest in bitching if I don't play ball.

My Mum has her appointment with the Housing Officer today. Womans Aid are going with her.

To make matters worse Womens Aid have advised her to go homeless to get a house quicker..... so without even consulting me first she told them she was living with ME! Which means I will have to lie for her to the council and my Dad. When he asks how she got declared homeless, he'll find out I helped.

ja9 Fri 20-May-05 09:50:33

Oh toothache. I'm so sorry to hear all this. I dont really know what to say.... thinking about you tho'.

WideWebWitch Fri 20-May-05 09:54:51

Oh toothache, I don't have any advice but just wanted to say this sounds awful. Poor you.

fireflyfairy2 Fri 20-May-05 10:06:31

I have been in your position..you could be me.
My father had numerous affairs over the years. There were 8 kids at home and my mum threw herself into rearing us...he was a HGV driver, and away for most of the time (thank goodness) When he was at home he would put us down, knock our confidence..even going so far as to call us ugly, but my older sister was referred to as "The good looking one" which she hated!
My mum finally took the last straw when it was discovered he was sleeping with a woman that they had both been friendly with when they were younger...the lady had recently lost her DH so my father took his place

My mum declared herself homeless, and said she was staying at my sisters house... they never came out to check..in all honesty they said they just needed an address to send post to on the housing situation! She has recently been allocated a house... this has taken almost a year..and in that time she has lived with 3 of her kids ((and she even went back to live my my dad at one point but now she has her own house and at last a bit of freedom from put downs... he always called her a witch...

lilibet Fri 20-May-05 12:04:06

Poor you toothache but well done to your mum for taking this step. she has the chance of a life and it's something that we all deserve. How old is she?

I think hmmm ing is a good idea, but is going to be a tough one for you to carry out. Sorry I don't know what other problems you are having, must have missed those threads, but loads of hugs to you as you are obvioulsy having a really crap time at the moment.

BTW, who did you used to be? I know that I should know but my memory has gone AWOL at the moment

hugs xxxxxxxx

anorak Fri 20-May-05 12:13:39

I agree that saying Hmmm is good. It's non-committal and he will soon get bored. But all this is so stressful for you. I hope your dh is ready to rub your back when you get home tonight.

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