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Best way to go about getting my head sorted?

(4 Posts)
pruneplus2 Thu 16-Jul-09 14:38:49

Stupid title, but I am unsure as to what to do for the best. Brief (!) history:

My marriage broke up literally minutes after my 2nd child was born, 8 years ago. It was a loveless marriage and he had affairs upon affair for the best part of our relationship so it was, in essence, a relief when he left and subsequently married again within months of our decree absolute coming through.

As I was caring for a toddler and a newborn at that time, I dont think I had enough time to grieve the relationship ending. Even though it was loveless, it was something I was used to and plodded along relatively contentedly, if not happily - we had been together for 10 years. I was effectively on autopilot.

3 years after that, I got involved with someone who I had known for years and became pregnant. I made a very snap decision to terminate. Nobody really tried to talk me out of it, or if they did I chose not to listen. I had councelling for that, but stopped after 2 sessions as I just didnt like the councellor - sounds awful but thats how I felt. The regret of the termination eats me daily especially now...

Fast forward to now... I have just miscarried for the 2nd consecutive time, first in March now 2 weeks ago. Very much wanted babies with a very much loved partner of 2 years. I am not coping too well. My grief has only just surfaced 2 weeks on from miscarrying and I dont even think I am grieving properly. I just feel numb.

I love my partner but I know I am trying to sabotage our relationship. I have accused him of lying and cheating on me. I just dont feel he deserves me. I am apologising left right and centre to people (I even apologised to the paramedics about the amount of blood when they came to take me to A&E whilst I was traumatically miscarrying at home).

What help is there out there? I realise there are a number of issues for me to deal with, notwithstanding the daily living issues and pressures of finances etc...

I really want to avoid medication. Councelling has not offered me any help in the past, although I realise I was probably the problem there. Whats out there?


AccioPinotGrigio Thu 16-Jul-09 16:05:06

hi pruneplus2. I think ADs and/or counselling are "the help", certainly from the medical profession. I found myself at the Doctor's this morning asking exactly the same question. I left with an AD script but said no to an 11 week wait for therapy on the NHS.

Do you think you are too deeply mired in your problems to be rational or objective about them. Perhaps AD's are worth considering if that is how you feel.

Although you have had one bad experience with counselling you may be luckier next time. I have certainly found this to be the case. There are some great therapists/counsellors out there, it's just finding them. Your GP may be able to recommend somebody good? A lot of therapists have websites now which can be quite enlightening. Also, you can have a no obligation, introductory session with a private therapist to help you decide if you want to work with them.

HTH and good luck.

TracyGardiner Thu 16-Jul-09 16:11:43

Hi there,

I think that although you had no luck from counselling before, it might be worth revisiting as I totally believe that sometimes people just aren't ready to do it, and also that it very much depends on the counsellor you go to. Some people just don't feel comfortable with the person they go to see, and therefore the relationship is flawed from the start.

There are some fantastic counsellors out there, and you can always find one who specialises in the topics you are dealing with. Check these people out for example:

I have no experience of them - but they do free telephone counselling, so it might just be worth a phone call to see if it is for you.

Good luck and best wishes

ErikaMaye Thu 16-Jul-09 22:58:55


I'm so sorry to hear about everything - I can't imagine how much pain you must be in right now.

Firstly, it doesn't sound bad to say you didn't like the counceller - its key to feel comfortable with someone who you're expected to sit there and declare your inner most feelings to! I would recommend giving it another shot. Get on the waiting list with your doctor, if you can - unfortunately it tends to be a couple of months, but hopefully you will find the support here, and in your local networks, to carry you through until then.

If you're not comfortable with councelling as therapy, there are alternatives, although I'm not too sure how accessable they are if you're not within the mental health services.

If you need to just rant and get things off your chest sometimes when it all feels too much, I would suggest the Samaritians whole heartedly. I have called them before, when I've felt suicidal, but also just when I've felt lonely and needed a chat! Whatever you need them for, they're helpful and the advantage is that you don't get timed. Its not a case of "Right I have an hour, I need to say EVERYTHING", like it sometimes can feel like with therapy.

Do you have a close relationship with your DP? Talking to him as well, letting him know just how bad you feel about things, may be benifical. Even if its just so he's aware.

I think you should book an appointment to go and see your GP - if he suggests AD's, give them a shot. I was so very cynical when I was first perscribed them, but they helped so much. They don't make everything better - but for me, it was more a case of they gave me that little bit more head room to take a step back from everything and stop it upsetting me quite so much.

In the meantime, please remember that there are lots of us here, whenever you need to talk, and regardless of what its about.

I really hope things start to look up for you soon.

Sending you love, hope and strength. x

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