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Feel like a total bitch :( (Very Long)

(9 Posts)
ErikaMaye Thu 16-Jul-09 00:07:25


I have Borderline Personaility Disorder, and as part of this, I hear voices. I have them reasonably under control, and am quite open talking about it - I'm not ashamed of my condition any more, although its taken me a lot of time to get to a place where I'm not. The voices are both inside and outside my head - sometimes its like I'm eves-dropping on a conversation, and sometimes its hearing it dreictly spoken to me. They're cruel, and I hate them with all my might. I hate how They make me feel. I get paranoid that because I hate Them, They're going to make bad things happen - a car crash, a fire, someone coming to murder me. And I've been struggling for years with this - sometimes its worse than others. Some days I'm capable of tuning it out and caring on with a reasonably normal life. Some days I'm stuck in bed, paralyzed with fear.

My Great-Aunt (who I'm very close to) has two children. I get on alright with the man, but the woman is a different matter. She is self-obsessed, arrogant, knieving, malicious, two-faced... I could go on. But she really is a piece of work, and has been for all the time I've known her. It just so happens that last year she was diagnosed with Depression. I was in a physc. hospital at the time, and because of this, we used to talk a lot. I think its clear I'm not particularly fond of her, but I could sympathise to a degree of what she was going through, and I also knew how concerned my Great Aunt and Uncle were about her, and they felt better knowing she was talking to me. I pursuaded her to start medication (The doctor had told her she should but she was understandably anxious) and CBT, and for a while things were really looking up. Then I found out that she'd been repeating things that I'd told her in confidence, mocking me, and she openly said to me, "Well its okay for you - you're still young. Stop making such a fuss." Obviously, this really hurt me, because I was trying to be there for her.

Last night my Great Aunt called my Mum, really upset, because my cousin had called them at 3am that morning, screaming that she knew they were trying to kill her because the internet modem had told her. My poor Aunt (Who is not in the best of health) was terrified and confused, and very hurt. They haven't had the best of relationships over the past few years, but this was a total shock.

When my Mum got off the phone, she asked if I'd mind talking about it with her, so she could understand more of what was going on. I felt very sympathetic for my cousin, as initally it sounded like the recent trauma in her life (loosing her job) had sparked off a physcotic episode, and I know how unpleasent they are.

But the more I heard about what my Aunt had said, and how my cousin had behaved, the more I couldn't suppress the thought that she was just putting it on, and doing it to see just how much her parents loved her.

I feel so very cruel for thinking that, but honestly? I wouldn't put it past her. I feel so nasty.

I understand that some of her behaviour, while not being solely because of her illness, as it started a long time before, is intertwined and linked, but I have never just dismissed her actions because of her illness, because it just doesn't wash with me. Sometimes its very clear that she's not doing it because of her illness - she's doing it because she's a lazy cow and wants the fuss. Recently, she told my mum I was a slut because I'm pregnant. (I'm 18)

I'm quite shocked and angry at myself, and I really need someone to tell me I'm not being a total bitch. I'm more than willing to be there for her, because if she is lying, then she needs just as much help and support as if she's telling the truth. But I hate the fact she's upsetting my Aunt so much.

Am I being really unfair to have these suspicions? Am I playing up to the stigma I've been working for years to fight against?

Besom Thu 16-Jul-09 14:23:57

No of course you're not a bitch! It sounds as if you have been very caring and supportive towards this woman, even in the face of her being nasty towards you.

However, I think it may be time to distance yourself as much as you can. You have quite enough to deal with already by the sound of it.

ErikaMaye Thu 16-Jul-09 22:37:38

I really like helping people - it makes me feel better about being ill myself if I can use it to benifit others. But by feeling all of what I do towards my cousin, I feel almost as though evrything I've done up until now is pointless because I'm still being judgemental, and I've always promised myself I wouldn't be, to anyone, regardless.

I've sat there and listen and comforted people even when I know they're lying through their teeth, because they need the attention and support for something, even if its not what they're claiming for.

But I just can't shake it off with my cousin. I feel so so bad. I don't know if she's lying or not, but I feel so crap for thinking she might be. It really is something she's capable of but still... I feel like such a terrible person

Besom Fri 17-Jul-09 07:47:50

Yes I understand that helping others is good for you, up to a point. But it is also good to be able to establish boundaries and know when to pull back and protect yourself. In my opinion, I think you sound as if you need to learn to do this a bit more and to accept your negative feelings as OK as well.

We can't all be saintly and non judgemental all of the time and there are always going to be people who just get to you for whatever reason.

Please give yourself a break!

You are clearly a non judgemental person. It's perfectly possible for you still to care about this person but be annoyed by her at the same time. This in no way makes you a terrible person.

ErikaMaye Fri 17-Jul-09 11:01:41

Thanks, Besom. x

ErikaMaye Fri 17-Jul-09 16:16:12

So I tried to call my cousin earlier, and there was no answer, so I sent her a text (not something I normally do, don't even know if she has my number) saying that I'd heard she was having a bit of a rough time, and if she wanted to talk I was around. I feel a bit better for having done something positive for her.

I called my Aunt as well, just to tell her that if she ever wants to ask any questions about the hallucinations then I'm more than happy to attempt to answer them for her, and to reassure her that the hearing of voices isn't that unusual, and that although it isn't "okay", its also not something to worry about too much if she can help it.

I feel like a bit of a mess today. Everything is just too much.

Besom Fri 17-Jul-09 19:34:58

Remember your hormones are going to be all over the place at the moment as well.

Take care of yourself.

imaynotbeperfectbutimokmummy Fri 17-Jul-09 20:17:19

Erika - reading your post i am shock that you are just 18!!! Your posts are intelligent, considered and articulate. I hope that you are going to continue with your education as you clearly have a lot of potential.

I cannot pretend to understand the voices thing, although i do empathise because i suffer from extreme anxiety and know how paralysing it can be. There is too much stigma around mental ilness.

I can understand why you are cautious about your cousin too, what you have is a very complex condition and could it be that your cousin having similar mental health problem devalidates it in some way?

Be there for her if she asks for help but do not feel that you need to take responsibility for her. She could well be doing the whole teenage angst thing - it is very common for teenagers to be all over the place anyway, without mental illness to boot. Do you think that she feels she needs to label it because she knows about your condition and that it helps her in her confusion about the way she feels. I was a very angsty teenager, as was my DD but we got through it.

Don't take this on for yourself. With the best will in the world, you have enough on your plate.

Many congratulations on your pregnancy - i was pregnant when i was 19 and it was categorically the best thing that ever happened to me. Gave me reason and focus in my life. When is your baby due

ErikaMaye Sun 19-Jul-09 12:50:43

Thank you, imaynotbeperfectbutimokmummy, everything you said is very sweet.

Thing is... She's 48! So if she's doing to teen angst thing then he's thirty years too late But I do think its quite possible you're right.

Thank you for your congratulations - I'm due November 16th. Its very scary, and was so unplanned I can't put it into words!! But I'm happy. It already seems to be focusing me - I have only cut myself twice since the day I found out, whereas before it was every day, several times. So I think that it will serve to help me. I'm very lucky that I have such a brilliant DP as well. He takes care of me.

I'm sorry to hear about your anxiety, and I hope its under control for you now. Thank you so much for taking the time to reply to me

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