Finally it is all too much. I am falling apart.

[twoisplenty]

I have had so much to contend with, and still do. In the past I have kept a positive attitude, and sometimes even enjoyed the stress and my management of all of life's challenges etc.

But all of a sudden, literally overnight, I can't stop crying and feel anxious. No, it can't have been overnight, because one week ago I made an appointment with a counsellor. But it's not for another 10 days, and anway, I won't feel better in one session.

How am I going to get through the next 10 days?

Just briefly,my ds is ten years old, and has cerebral palsy and epilepsy and learning difficulties. We have had to fight many battles with the LEA involving solicitors. We are battling the LEA right now.

We have had to move house to a bungalow which we had adapted. It took a year and much stress to have done because we project managed the whole thing.

My ds is facing major surgery so all the health professionals keep telling us. We are going to see an orthopaedic surgeon in 3 weeks time, and I am terrified. I instantly well up with tears with the mere thought of surgery, and the appointment.

I have a dd who is wonderful, but has just come out of hospital having been there (with me) for 4 nights. She is almost better now, but I feel it has put a strain on my relationship with my dh and my ds.

It is the hospital stay with my dd that has set off this awful tearfulness.

I feel trapped. I can't just get up and run away, my dc need me. I can't leave my dh, I couldn't do that to him.

I can't sleep, and I can't stop crying.

I've finally lost the plot.

Can I do anything to feel better?

Thank you for getting to the end of my post...

[FluffyBunnyGoneBad]

Take time to heal yourself. It sounds like you are overwhelmed with all that's going on at the moment. It's OK to feel this way. It also sounds like you need to have a chat with your GP. Some short term medication will help, at least until the counselling starts to work.

It is just a bad patch, it will get better and you'll look back and see how far you've become.

[FluffyBunnyGoneBad]

I've got to go to bed. Keep bumping this though.

[twoisplenty]

Thank you for reading this and being awake at this time of day! Do you think medication will do much? I feel I am impatient and want to feel better immediately, I would do anything to get back on track.

I am letting my dc down, and I can't afford to do that to them.

My dd even made me a picture tonight, "to help mummy feel better" as I cried in front of her (shame) because my ds had just yelled and kicked and hit me over some minor frustration of his.

That really made me feel so bad.

[HolyGuacamole]

You're not letting anyone down ok! We're not having that!

That was so lovely of your daughter to draw a nice picture for you It's a sign of how much she thinks of you. You sound like you have a fantastic family to have coped with everything so far and you must be a very strong person. Things will get better and this moment will pass. It really will.

[HeavyweightChampion]

you are not letting your dcs down,

really, life is sometimes overwhelming,

your dcs love you.

[blinks]

maybe you could see your GP to see if there's something that could be temporarily prescribed for the anxiety?

[twoisplenty]

I am very puzzled as to why you are all awake? But very pleased that you are. Thank you so much for the replies. They made me cry all over again BUT in the middle of it, I suddenly thought that crying is something I should be doing. It's perhaps something I desserve, you know, to let it all go. I was thinking today that crying was being weak, but maybe not. Maybe it's just what I need to let some of the anxiety out.

Yes, I think the GP may be a temporary answer.

I just don't understand. I;ve always managed my feelings before. I suppose it's my turn to need some tlc. Mt dh had depression when my dd was born, maybe now it's my turn. I don't think I'm depressed though. Just worn out and stressed.

The hospital thing has shaken me. Made me realise how vulnerable my dd is. I already know my ds is vulnerable. It was such a worry.

[twoisplenty]

I've decided to go to bed now. I shall be back in the morning. Thank you for being here for me.

[HolyGuacamole]

Yes, crying helps and it's not weak at all. A good sniffle can work wonders and I hope you feel a teeny, teeny bit better. Have a good sleep and take care of yourself

[HeavyweightChampion]

let us know how you feel in the morning,

sleep well,

[Laquitar]

I 've just seen this but i am glad some others were here and replied.

You 've had so much on your plate and you are entitled to feel tired and tearful. And i agree that crying is good. It is also good that you are having counselling. It does take time and you will have ups and downs, good days and bad days. It is ok. When you have bad day take it easy, 'allow' yourself to be upset, to cry, to have a 'lazy' day, and there is always support here.

Also, pat yourself and say welldone for coping so far and so well. What you discribe doesn't sound easy at all and you seem to have done so well.

Finally i don't agree that because we are parents we have to be superwomen or supermen. Your dd seen you crying. Yes, she knows that you are human being. I think children cope better than we think and it is ok to see upseting situations sometimes. That's life. Stop feeling guilty and feel proud instead. Seems to me like you are raising a wonderful, compassionate girl.

On a lighter note you have asked why are we awake. I am waiting for dh to come, he works a lot abroad, we used to go too but now we are staying here. He just texted from Gatwick.

I will try and check your thread tomorrow. I hope you feel better.x

[twoisplenty]

Thanks again for last night. So grateful that we can all "talk" at any time of day or night - three cheers for mumsnet.

Woke up feeling much the same this morning. So tearful at the slightest thing.

I am very lucky - I rang the GP this morning and I have an appointment for 10am, and I shall ask for some medicine to calm me down.

I have also spoken to my parents and they are fairly understanding (which made me want to cry again!)

I have planned a few things to do today so that will help to keep the momentum going.

[imaynotbeperfectbutimokmummy]

I think you are amazing - honestly, i read your post open mouthed, your children are so lucky to have you as their mother. All the fighting and holding it together is bound to take its toll.

I hope that you get some help when you see the GP today, um, that'l be right now - do you get any help on account of your children's condition, practical help i mean, to give you a bit of a break from it, it must be exhausting.

I feel quite humbled tbh.

[blinks]

great- no shame in needed help once in a while... you're only human.

much healthier to let it all out anyway. have a good shameless rant/sob at whoever will listen.

[twoisplenty]

No need to be humbled, but I feel quite proud! It's something that everyone would do for their children. I can't stop fighting, things would disintegrate, my ds wouldn't get his medicines, wouldn't see doctors, physios etc. I have to keep on top of the health people as they are never forthcoming without being chased, they are so busy.

I am now back from the doctor. I thought she was sensible with her approach. She won't give me anti depressants yet, I'm not depressed, but she wants to see me in 3 weeks to make sure I am not sliding into depression. Instead she has given me beta blockers as a temporary measure. She agreed that counselling was the best approach. A nice lady!

Ten minutes before going to the doctors I was feeling quite normal, and wondering if I was a bit rash making an appointment. Then I cried all the way to the doctors, so perhaps not then!

I am so tired.

[FluffyBunnyGoneBad]

I'm so pleased you went. The hardest part is admitting you need some help and going to get it so well done you!

Take it easy if you can. Try and take some time out for you aswell, go for a facial/massage. Running a home and looking after children is taxing for anyone. You have so much on your plate, do take some time just for you. Get granny/DH to do the childcare for a hour or 2 and just be twoisplenty rather then the support mechanism for your entire family.

[Laquitar]

I am glad that your doctor is good and you like her.

Be kind to yoursef.

As my grandmum used to say ' the Captain can also be tired sometimes'.

[twoisplenty]

Well, I have taken one tablet today, and feel all floaty and wonderful! My ds screaming tantrum (he's tired tonight) did not reduce me to tears, but having said that, I wasn't actually dealing with him, my dh was.

Be kind to myself - I used to say that to my friend when she had severe depression. I don't think she understood what I meant exactly. One thing I have done is give some responsibility to my dh. I am taking a back seat with my ds management. My dh is doing the dinner/toileting/dressing stuff. I am just enjoying his company, and walk away when he starts being aggressive. This of course won't work in the summer holidays, so I shall have to think about this.

I had to take my dd back to the hospital today (casualty) because her infection seemed to be getting a little worse, and I was warned to bring her in if she was starting to become ill again. Thankfully the doctor is happy with her progress but again warned me to keep a careful watch. It's so worrying. My emotions over this issue are all over the place.

[twoisplenty]

ImaynotbeperfectbutImokmummy. Is this the longest name??! Couldn't quite work out how to shorten it. You asked if we have practical help for our ds. No.

Would love to have a carer to be with him before school and a few hours after school, but six months after starting the process, we are no nearer to sorting it out. I was really hoping for someone to be here in the summer holidays (I lose weight during the hols, its so exhausting) but alas no.

I am thinking of asking my niece who is 18yo to help a little for some cash, but there's no guarantee she will want to. She is so good with the dc so I hope she can spare a little time. (She has just finished her A levels)