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Mental health and being a mother(3 Posts)
I have 2 dd's 13 and 11. I have suffered from depression in the past but at the moment, well for a year or so my anxiety has been more of an issue. I havent been to the Drs recently as I almost need to work myself up to it iyswim and be in the right frame of mind to cope with saying my thoughts outloud.
I really struggle when my children are horrible - when I say horrible I mean normal teen behaviour, in fact I have cried before now which I hate but its almost like I cant contain my own anxiety and my anxiety for them. I also think I have a real control issue and want to stop them doing things and remain in control. I dont stop them, but the urge to do so is very strong and am happy when say they have arranged a day out with a friend and the friend cant go.
Today on the way home from school, eldest dd doing her normal grunting and I asked "whats the matter" and I get "nothing, I just cant be bothered to talk right now" It makes me so upset, yet I know there are times when I dont want to talk or speak, so why should me kids want to, all the time.
I think a lot of it comes from when I was a child - I never felt good enough and was (and still am ) terrified of rejection. I would never talk to my parents like that because I would be so scared they would reject me. I suppose rational me can think that its "good" that my children feel secure enough with me but I am the end of my tether being a cheerleader because I feel that my children must be happy and if they are not, I must make them happy. My emotions seem to be ruled by my children - especially the elder one; if she is happy, it makes me so happy, if she is grumpy/miserable, I find it really difficult to deal with, its almost like I panic and think "quick I must cheer her up"
Ooops tuned into a bit of a ramble.....be nice to hear from anyone with similar feelings or any advice
Mine are younger than yours but I can get into a panic some times when the eldest 2 look sad. They have expressions on their face which I recognise as ones I have had when smaller but mine will mean something different and that is hard to remember.
I really struggle as a mum.
I posted asking for advice about telling my teen (14) I was suffering from anxiety and depression. In the end, with the advice of my counsellor and Mners, I did tell her. It has made a lot of difference - she seems to think more before she speaks. If it is really getting you down it might be worth thinking about expressing your feelings to them more. I wanted my teen to know I was unwell - think she would have felt very guilty if she knew her behaviour was making it worse - now she has a choice. I'm not expecting perfection and have not gone into any detail about my problems because I don't want to burden her.
All this has made me realise how much of a boost you get when they are younger and in a way more companionable. Then the inevitable teen attitude comes and if it happens to coincide with a difficult time in your life it can be very hard.
I have found it really hard not to take the hormonal teenage thing personally and am assailed by memories of when she was younger, which make me sad sometimes.
I was terrified my dd would rejct me because depression (which I suffered from as a young person) was seen as something shameful and weak. But she hasn't and it's been really liberating. Maybe if you just told them a little about how you feel .....?
I think it is very hard to let go of control and it can make you feel very alone. But I suppose we all have to try and do it. Hope this helps.
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