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Really feeling low and rubbish, think I might totally lose it.

(27 Posts)
Crap Sat 04-Jul-09 00:04:57

I am in such a bad state I don't know how to get out.
As soon as I am alone I cry, at night I can't sleep for crying.
I have bulimia and self harm issues.
I will be getting therapy but I don't know how to survive from day to day, week to week.
All too much.
How do you know when you are going completely loopy? Will I know before it is too late?
I get suicidal as well.

Dysgu Sat 04-Jul-09 00:09:03

I have no advice but want you to know that people are here/there to help you.

Take care and I hope someone will come along soon who can offer more useful support.

Crap Sat 04-Jul-09 00:16:42

thanks sad

cathcat Sat 04-Jul-09 00:17:09

I'm sorry you feel so bad. Are you on ADs?
Please try to focus on the future and know things won't always be like this.

Crap Sat 04-Jul-09 00:20:48

No, not on ADs. have refused them, worried I would OD.

I feel so crazy. I want to rock and bang my head on the wall.

elderflowercordial Sat 04-Jul-09 00:24:29

It sounds as if you don't like yourself very much, why?

You are in a negative downward spiral and that in itself is a horrible place to be if you feel if you can't unbuckle the seatbelt and get off.

Shall we try to stop?

Can you think of some things that make you smile?

What's the nicest thing someone has ever said to you?

If you had a fairy godmother what would you ask for?

Crap Sat 04-Jul-09 00:26:53

My best friend makes me smile.

elderflowercordial Sat 04-Jul-09 00:29:05

What is it about her that makes you smile?

Crap Sat 04-Jul-09 00:30:33

She says nice things and funny things, and she is good at smiling.

elderflowercordial Sat 04-Jul-09 00:32:12

OK grin this is a picture of your best friend smiling

What nice things does she say?

Crap Sat 04-Jul-09 00:35:08

I can't think, my brain isn'y working.
She says that I am her best friend.

Crap Sat 04-Jul-09 00:38:41

I would wish for a negative influence to be gone.

elderflowercordial Sat 04-Jul-09 00:47:12

I haven't got anyone who I could say hand on heart is my best friend, so you are very lucky to have each other.

If you are her best friend you need to be there for her so you have to be kinder to yourself.

You wouldn't like it if someone was beating her up all the time. It sounds as if you are not being too kind to yourself, she won't be happy about that. Best friends are very special people and only you will do.

What does she like about you?

Crap Sat 04-Jul-09 00:53:31

I have known her less than a year. I am very lucky to have her, never had a best friend before.
She is having a hard time too sad

We support each other and make each other laugh.

elderflowercordial Sat 04-Jul-09 00:55:37

When I was filled with a dreadful sense of negativity a few years ago the feeling was so overwhelming and dark I tried to visualise it.

You may laugh about how I did that...but here goes.

Do you remember the first computer game on a tv screen PacMan?

I used to visualise these little cross monsters coming out all over the place and then I would have to be the PacMan with the open mouth and gobble each one up grinwith a little popping noise when each one was gobbled up.

Do you think you could try it?

The other thing I did was to get some tiny Guatemalan dolls in a bag, they are called worry dolls (literally tiny).

What you have to do is take each out of the little bag, tell each one a worry and put it back in the bag and then they will take care of all the worries until they are gone.

Crap Sat 04-Jul-09 01:00:36

I like the Pacman idea grin
I will try it

I like worry dolls but my worries are rather large and really need me to deal with them.

Thank you for talking to me, you are helping.
I hope you find a best friend, you deserve a truly lovely one.

elderflowercordial Sat 04-Jul-09 01:02:05

You say a negative influence, is that one person?

Or a situation?

Crap Sat 04-Jul-09 01:04:33

A person, yes. The father of my children.

elderflowercordial Sat 04-Jul-09 01:14:39

Sometimes when you feel total seething rage at a person for what they've done or not done, it is better for your own mental health to imagine they are mentally disabled and therefore they really cannot help the way they are behaving and so replace the anger with pity.

If you can feel pity for them you are on a positive way forward. If you have had a really hard time with someone and your own mental health is threatened, it's time to recognise that you do not have mental health training to deal with their disablement and so you are better off not being in their environment, as it is truly toxic, especially for dc.

Crap Sat 04-Jul-09 01:22:07

Thank you.

Wish I wasn't a coward.

Thank you so much for talking to me.
I am going to lie diwn because I am ceasungg to fucntion,,

Crap Sat 04-Jul-09 09:05:39

Thank you for last night elderflowercordial, you helped a lot xx

SuperBunny Sat 04-Jul-09 15:42:11

Oh Crap, i'm so sorry to read thing sad

SuperBunny Sat 04-Jul-09 15:49:42

this, I sorry to read THIS. grr

I think, when you are struggling so much, the only thing you can do is get through each day, sometimes only hour by hour.

If you were ready to try ADs, there are some that have fairly low risks in case of OD and a dr can prescribe them a month, even a week at a time if you are worried about what you might do. But, in the meantime, you can email the Samaritans, text your friend and post on here. But remember not to be too hard on yourself. You have a lot to cope with and I know the people you are with aren't necessarily the most supportive.

elderflowercordial Sat 04-Jul-09 17:24:09

Hello C (not going to call you your name as you are not, you are special (at least) to your dc, your best friend and me!)grin

I hope the PacMan managed to gobble up some nasty feelings grin and you slept well.

You are not a coward, if by that you mean you haven't escaped your negative influence then all is certainly not lost.

But you do need strategies to cope, and by reading your posts it seems as if you have a sense of humour, so that is the start of your road to better days.

You certainly need to acknowledge all that you don't like about your current situation. Then we can evolve methods to cope with them. Then hopefully, when you are stronger, to confront them head on and not let them ruin things for you.

You are too special for that. Just to let you know I'm going to be here for you everyday from now on, it might be intermittent but I will be here. (if by any chance the computer has a problem be sure I will come back). In the meanwhile, let me know about some of the little things that could help you become happier.

Crap Sat 04-Jul-09 23:40:59

Thank you elderflower and SB.

I am a coward because a proper person would deal with the situation.

I think one of the scariest things is thinking that I am coping, but as soon as I am alone, like if I get into the car to drive somewhere, the tears just start and it feels as if my heart is breaking.
If I am so loosely held together, it is only a matter of time before I break down altogether.

I am dizzy with tiredness again but I can't lie down because I can't stand any more crying.

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