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Anxiety is ruining my life - i just can't seem to break the circle.

(42 Posts)
imaynotbeperfectbutimokmummy Mon 29-Jun-09 19:13:33

I have been on ADs for anxiety for the best part of 2 years. I have been reducing my dose (slowly under medical supervision) as i have been getting better. But these past few weeks it has been back with a vengence. It has been sparked by a health worry that i have managed (as usual) to blow up out of proportion.

I have had counselling for just over a year but i just tend to go and whinge and whine about every day problems rather than facing up to my anxiety issues. My counsellor thinks that the stress i am under is contributing to the anxiety - yeah she is probably right, but its the anxiety that is making the stress worse.

I NEED to get a job, we are financial shit, but the anxiety is preventing me. I thought i could do it and i am now wondering if i have invented the health issue to hide the job thing. Does that make sense.

Was sobbing in the GP surgery today - thankfully, my GP is lovely, very thourough, but her arms are tied to a certain extent. I have counselling but i don't think im getting anywhere with it - i think i need a psychiatric refferal.

This has been going on for YEARS DD1 is 19 now, but i convinced myself not to get to close because i was sure i had passed on HIV to her. It ruined our relationship.

I have another DD, she is coming up for four - im convinced im going to die and that its my own fault for being a bad mum to DD1. I am the opposite with DD2, overprotective, i smother her - its like i have to cram all the love in now because i am not going to be here much longer It breaks my heart - i imagine my DP meeting a new woman and that she will be the "wicked step mother" and that my DD will be left out. I know this wouldn't happen. DP ADORES DD, i know she would be his number one, always.

I feel "doomed" as it were to this prison of anxiety - the counselling just seems to go around in circles, despite my counsellor being excellent and seems to really "get" me. My doctor now wants to swap my ADs and give me diazepam on top of this. To me, diazepam is the real pits, its like, well i must be fucked if they want to give me that. I cried so much in the surgery today i couldnt even tell the doctor what was wrong.

This is MADNESS, my DP has had enough - he says that if im not careful im going to get "put away" and that we will loose our daughter.

Im scared that this is my life now.

imaynotbeperfectbutimokmummy Mon 29-Jun-09 19:40:43

anyone else beaten this??

luckywinner Mon 29-Jun-09 19:47:34

I had a period of severe anxiety a few years ago after a mc. It consumed me and I could barely get up. It is miserable. I really feel for you. i have been seeing a psychotherapist for the past 6 years. I don't suffer from anxiety so much anymore but I am not sure what stopped it. I think one reason was I associated anxiety with anger and that was my trigger.

One book I found really helpful was called Mind over Mood. It took a while to get into it and it has loads of worksheets but they are really good and I do one every time I start to feel anxious. I would really recommend it.

You won't get put away. That is a very unkind thing for your dp to say. Anxiety does feel like a prison as there is no logic to it when you are feeling so anxious.

I try to think of it like this, anxiety comes from our caveman days when anxiety saved our lives - our reaction was fight or flight. And anxiety is fight or flight in the modern day but we no longer have a sabre tooth tiger to run away from. But there is a fear from something and it takes a lot of help to find out what that fear is. So don't give in with your therapist yet. You will get there.

imaynotbeperfectbutimokmummy Mon 29-Jun-09 19:50:40

thankyou lucky winner. I do wonder if i need a bit more "hardcore" therapy. I have asked for CBT so i might mention this again to the doctor. It will mean a second pyschiatric refferal, but i can't carry on like this.

imaynotbeperfectbutimokmummy Mon 29-Jun-09 19:51:43

There was part of me today that wanted the doctor to get on the phone to the "nice young men in the bright white coats" so that i could just close my mind to it all. Im alot better this evening. Extremely tired, will try for an early night.

luckywinner Mon 29-Jun-09 19:53:21

That book I mentioned is very much based on CBT. My sis also went through severe anxiety and went to see a cbt therapist and found it really really helpful.

Don't feel bad about the antidepressants either, especially if they get you through this difficult time.

MildredRoper Mon 29-Jun-09 19:57:20

I think that's very good advice from luckywinner.

It's a positive thing that you are recognising and having insight into stuff (like how you might be inventing barriers to stop you going for a job). That is something you've got going for you and can build on, and hopefully in time the insights you are having will help you break this cycle.

You won't get put away or lose your daughter just because you're having mental health problems.

imaynotbeperfectbutimokmummy Mon 29-Jun-09 20:00:53

I feel like the mental health problems are becoming who i am. Ive always been anxious - i accept that i have an anxious personality type. Fair enough, but how can i stop it from crippling me? I feel so angry right now - with myself, with the pills, with God (I know that makes little sense) and with my DP for not being able to understand. I think the whole "you'll get DD taken away" is to try and snap me out of it. My doctor says i should treat the anxiety as an illness the same way as diabetes or chronic back pain. But that sort of makes me feel worse - its like, oh right, so i have no control over this then, at all? Just drugs??

MildredRoper Mon 29-Jun-09 20:22:19

CBT might give you a sense of control. I haven't had it myself but from what I've heard it can be effective for anxiety and when people are willing to work at it, which it sounds as if you are.

The book sounds as if it could help and it'll give you a taste of cbt techniques and strategies.

sabire Mon 29-Jun-09 20:35:42

imaynotbeperfect - are you frightened that you have HIV? sad

JollyPirate Mon 29-Jun-09 20:43:34

Have you discovered this site at all. It has really good message boards and a whole board just on health anxiety which is much more common than I realised (have had it for years).
Another site I found helpful was this one an online CBT course which really opened my eyes to why I think as I do. It has free downloadable materials as part of the course and is well worth a look. I won't say I am cured but I am certainly more aware of WHY I think as I do. It had a fantastic program just on anxiety and I found it very helpful.

imaynotbeperfectbutimokmummy Mon 29-Jun-09 20:52:08

no sabire, i used to be, i know that i don't have this. I have had a lot of sexual partners in the past - i grew up in the eighties when HIV was everywhere in the media - figured i sort of deserved it.

DippyDino Tue 30-Jun-09 00:43:39

Have you had a good look at any self help books? There is all sorts on offer these days and trying one of them may help. Look on amazon so you can read the reviews, if you see one you fancy you can ask your local library to order it for you. If you feel embarrassed get a friend to ask!

It sounds like you are very full of guilt and shame and that you need to move on from that - just the same as me then!

imaynotbeperfectbutimokmummy Tue 30-Jun-09 10:48:26

dippy - are you a catholic girl too?wink.

sabire Tue 30-Jun-09 11:41:06

imaynotbeperfect - if you don't mind me asking, how did you work up the courage to be tested for HIV?

I also need to take an HIV test - I have been scared of it for 23 years, almost all my adult life.

imaynotbeperfectbutimokmummy Tue 30-Jun-09 12:27:17

Sabire, i haven't had an HIV test. I refused to have one when i was pregnant. They screwed up and did a hep b test which was -ve but i refused that also.

If you have had a long term faithful partner then the chances of you having HIV are pretty negligible. I have been with my partner for 17 years and have stopped worrying about it. People live for a long time with HIV infection, however this is due to medication.

Its a horrible irrational fear though, so i do understand. I've taken some time out this past few days and have realised that health anxiety has taken a huge toll on my life and stopped me from living my life to the full. This has to stop.

Why do you feel you need HIV testing? They offer it when you are pregnant. I would however be careful about asking for a test as it can affect life insurance premiums, even a -ve result which is a bit mad if you ask me!

morningsun Tue 30-Jun-09 13:32:16

imaynotbeperfect~ you have had good advice already but just wanted to add please don't feel this will go on forever,I don't think that has to be the case at all.

Explain to your dp he can help you by encouraging you,being supportive and reassuring you if you have a wobble.Other than that he can just be "normal" with you.

Have you got a close friend in rl you can confide in and keep your worries in perspective?Men can often feel they have to fix things instead of just talking things through so a female friend can be a big help.

parker1313 Tue 30-Jun-09 22:30:57

Sorry but whats cbt?
My dad needs help with anxiouty so need to know

imaynotbeperfectbutimokmummy Tue 30-Jun-09 22:33:42

parker, its something called cognitive behavioural therapy. It focuses on finding ways to alter ingrained behaviour patterns. I hope your dad gets some help - you have to be like a rotweiller with a bone to get anything on the NHS, but if you stamp your feet for long enough and shout loud enough there is help out there.

parker1313 Tue 30-Jun-09 22:36:12

Yes me too, thank you kindly.

imaynotbeperfectbutimokmummy Tue 30-Jun-09 22:43:46

parker, ive just posted on your thread.

parker1313 Wed 01-Jul-09 12:33:56

imaynotbeperfect-Maybe you should put all your energy into working in this sort of area.You have alot of experience and I have found comfort in your advice and knowledge.
I think you have alot to offer and believe its better to see someone that has been there themselves, iyswim.
Perhaps do a councelling course.Although I know its easier said than done but in time its something you could consider?
Hope this doesnt sound in anyway patronising or unsympathetic. smile

imaynotbeperfectbutimokmummy Wed 01-Jul-09 16:54:59

thanks parker. I have considered it, however i don't think it would be good for my mental health. Also, i need to earn some money - been a perpetual student for nearly 10 years now grin. I feel better today but still have an underlying anxiety - how is your dad getting on?

BigMomma3 Wed 01-Jul-09 18:41:31

I have had anxiety issues for the last 4 years, have always been uptight since having kids but never really had any physical symptons such as panic attacks, palpitations, health worries blown out of proportion etc. I have been worried about taking the pills my GP gave me cos I was anxious (excuse the pun) about the side effects making me worse! I mean fgs being anxious about taking pills that may have helped my anxiety - how fecked up is that grin.

The only thing that is slowly starting to help is exercise and lots of it, keep telling myself when my heart speeds up the cross trainer that I am not having a heart attack and get on with it. I am nowhere near normal yet but I think I am getting better. DD (age 12) has gone on her first school trip abroad this morning and I am not a nervous wreck (yet) because she did not reply to my text asking if she'd got there all right. Just figured she is having a good time and it's not that the coach has crashed or she's been abducted by paedophiles when they had a loo break!!

Shellseeker Wed 01-Jul-09 20:13:59

After I had DS (no.3 child) last year, I kept thinking every time I left the house without 1 of them or DH that that was going to be the last time I was going to see them, or that something dreadful would happen to them at nursery/school/work, or that I was going to fall down the stairs and kill myself...you get the general idea...so I went and had some hypnotherapy for anxiety and IT WORKED! i'm really quite chilled out now. I didn't want to go down the pills route having had a breakdown a few years ago & taken them for a couple of years. I also had CBT a while ago which worked on some deep seated stuff...basically I was pretty tangled up but am definitely less tangly now.
So maybe try hypnotherapy?
Hang on in there xxx

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