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How do I tell people?

(11 Posts)
choklit Mon 15-Jun-09 03:33:48

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Niknak21 Mon 15-Jun-09 03:43:32

You don't have to tell anyone if you don't want to. But I do think it helps to share. Maybe pick a person you want to tell and let it come out when you next see them. Or ask your DH to tell them for you. From my experiences I tell some people and mention it loads, but would hate certain people to find out. You have to remember it is an illness, and it's not your fault. I can really relate to the being judged feeling, but the people that really matter to you won't judge you.

Pre natal depression is becoming as well known as post natal depression, so don't feel it is wrong to need medication at this time.

I hope the ADs kick in soon. I found the hardest thing was going to the DRs in the 1st place. Good luck!

JJsandcat Mon 15-Jun-09 05:53:37

Good on you for seeking help. I'm sure it was very hard but as NikNak said, remember it's an illness and it's not your fault that you got it!! The stigma attached to depression is awful, I'm sorry you feel under so much strain esp. so far along in your pregnancy.

Maybe you start opening up in your close family first and tell a select friend who can support you and give you advice.

First of all though, stop worrying about others, think of yourself and the baby first. Are there any support groups where you live or could you speak to your vicar? In our village we have a really kind and lovely clergy man who can just listen and then try to help.

Take care!

Deathworm Mon 15-Jun-09 06:17:25

You aren't hiding a terrible secret. smile But you don't need to tell anyone about the pills. It isn't their business, and being pregnant seems to be something which makes people around you feel entitled to be judge, judge, judgey about every breath you take.

To you the a-ds are the symbol that you are ill and need support, but the pills aren't really the essential thing you need to mention to others. If you need their support, if you need them to know you are suffering, tell them about the depression. You can judge afterwards whether they are supportive enough to share the extra knowldege of the pills.

I do hope that you can find kind people to talk

chimchar Mon 15-Jun-09 06:56:48

you've been really brave in seeking help, and thats fab...good on you.

if you choose to tell others, and you don't have to, you could just sort of casually mention it...

"i've been feeling really fed up for ages. i told my mw, she told me to see my doc, and he's given me anti d's"..

you know, that kind of thing. i find it easier to do it that way and it also plays down my feelings and gives a little less of me away....but then i do have "ishoos"!

hope you'll be on the up soon. x

flamingobingo Mon 15-Jun-09 07:10:22

I tell people it's relevant to. I'm having psychotherapy and about to go to the GP today to ask for ADs, which I'm terrified about.

Anyway, if someone says 'do you want to meet up on Monday?', I'll reply with 'I can't do it at lunchtime because I have one of my counselling session then.

All my close friends know because they're helping me out - enormously! My family also know for the same reasons, and because they love me.

The more people talk about depression seriously as a real illness, the less stigma will be attached to it IMO.

It's taken me ages to come to terms with the fact that I have, in fact, been suffering for most of my life with a pretty disabling, at times, illness. At long last it's being treated and I am certain I'm going to beat it - as is my therapist.

I am only going on the ADs to make life a bit easier for my children, but I really am dreading it and have put them off for as long as I possibly can.

Sorry - that reply turned to talking about me a bit!

muppetgirl Mon 15-Jun-09 07:17:34

Well done you xx

When I had this decision dh told my closest friends who were all wonderful. I couldn't speak on the phone but they sent cards saying they were around whenever I needed them and they understood my lack of contact etc etc. It was a breath of fresh air as I felt like I was pushing them away.

My IL's were the opposite, apparently I just needed to 'chill out' from MIL and FIL never mentioned it once and never asked how I was. I mention it now and use the word depression but they absolutely hate it.

My dad had been through the same experience with my mum and I thought would be more understanding but he just said 'you only get better if you want to' And 'have you worked out what you want to do with your life yet?' Things that when you're fine and thinking straight you can take on the chin but in the middle of my brain fuddle I found very upsetting.

Some will be understanding, some won't but that shouldn't mean they can't be told it just means you have to be prepared for a reaction/opinion (everyone has an opinion on depression!)

I would say -are you having any other therapy to go with the Ad's? They are a leveller and should flatten out your mood but you do need some sort of counselling/cbt to deal with the possible underlying issues. Don't get fobbed off because you are pregnant or at least make plans for when the baby has arrived. I was on a perinatal path with the local mental health team when expecting ds 2 after I had severe pnd with ds 1. The support I recieved throughout my pregnancy was invaluable and for 6 months after the birth.

We look back on that time now as one that was bloody difficult but we got through it and dh + ds 1+2 are a much stronger family unit, so much so we are expecting ds 3 in 3 weeks!

There is life at the end of the tunnel though it may be a long one but you have done the best thing for you and your family in taking the first step

ErikaMaye Mon 15-Jun-09 18:41:16

Choklit - Firstly, well done. Its hard to admit you need help, but once you do it gets easier.

I struggled admitting I was ill for a while. Prehaphs some of this was because it was put down for year to my "hormones" - got to love those elderly male doctors! It actually took me until last year to turn round and say to everyone, "Actually, I am ill." Thank goodness for Stephen Fry's documentary on living with bi-polar, or I might of kept silent for a lot longer.

I'm not going to lie and say that everyone reacted positively - some people rolled their eyes and said I was being melodramatic, some people didn't respond at all because they didn't know how. But actually a lot of people really did stand by me, some of them taking me entirely by supirse.

I sent a group text to everyone in my phone book. It wasn't easy, especially telling people who I knew there was a high chance would mock me, but after I did it - while it was still sending to some of the recipitents - the replies started flooding in: "Oh my goodness, I never realised..." "Stay strong, I'm really proud of you for saying all this!" "I'm always here if you need me " "I know you're going to be okay."

I felt so much better saying it aloud - I stopped feeling ashamed of myself in that very instant, and now am very open about it, right from the time I meet people.

I had been on anti-depressents and anti-physcotics (I have Borderline Personality Disorder) for more than two years when I found out I was pregnant - am 18 weeks today, and I found out at 3 weeks. I had to stop my APs immediately, and made the very difficult descision to stop my ADs. I couldn't have done it without my support worker or my OT.

I'm sending you the hugest hugs imaginable. I was diagnosed with my first mental illness (have had several changes in diagnosis) when I was thirteen, so had been battling the stimga and the weight of carrying it solo for four years when I admitted it.

Are you getting support?

Don't let anyone judge you for being pregnant and on ADs. You've got to do whats best for you, and whats best for the baby. You feeling THAT low isn't good for either of you.

You should be so proud of yourself for making the choice to go on the medication. It may take a few weeks, even a few trials of different meds, but I hope that very soon you will start to feel that lift which makes life that bit easier to deal with.

Remember that you're not alone in this. Sending you strength and love.

bigbluewhale Mon 15-Jun-09 23:54:39

Hi Choklit

really well done on taking the first steps to getting help and getting better. It is inevitable that you may feel really vulnerable after first admitting that you have depression but please allow yourself to be supported through this - it does not mean you are weak! I felt the same when i first asked for help, and i hardly told anyone as i felt that it implied that i was weak and inadequate, but when you are depressed and your self esteem is non existant its not surprising you feel like that.

In the end I only told the people I felt would understand and support me. I didn't want to have to explain myself to people who would perhaps judge and think badly of me. that is perhaps more an indication of how I feel about myself and how I feel others perceive me than an accurate reflection of how some would actually react.

It means that I have never told my in laws as my MIL would definately not understand and I can't bear the thought of her thinking that her son is married to a complete loser any more than i am sure she already thinks it! ( you know - I am fat, my house is less than spotless, my kids throw tantrums, I don't iron underwear or tea towels etc etc!).

One thing I would advise you is try to keep your DH close. I was so low and hated myself so much that I thought everyone else must hate me too including my DH so I became distant and pushed him away. fortunately he was strong for the two of us and made me open up again and loved me back into his arms again. Sorry if that sounds really soppy but it is true.( a very honest conversation on a beautiful Mull beach on a perfect summer evening also helped!). So keep talking to him, let him know you still love him and appreciate his support even if it doesnt look like it.

I really hope you start to feel better soon - take care x

choklit Tue 16-Jun-09 01:45:21

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ErikaMaye Tue 16-Jun-09 12:12:05

Just take it slow Its a hard thing to do. Take it at your own pace. And there are plenty of us on here to help you out. x

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