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Mumsnet hasn't checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you have medical concerns, please seek medical attention.

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Mumsnet hasn't checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you have medical concerns, please seek medical attention.

Mental health

I want my life to end - my husband has just said he can't cope with me any more.

51 replies

jrsqueak · 12/06/2009 21:49

Just had a huge row - am sat here in tears. I need to leave but don't want to. I want to go and hide from the world. Have suffered with depression for 18 months now. He says everything is my fault and it is. My kids hate me. I wouldn't mind but I tried to make a massive effort tonight

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dittany · 12/06/2009 21:51

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CarGirl · 12/06/2009 21:56

Please hang on to the fact that it can get better I've been there in that state until only a couple of years of ago (and was severely depressed for at least 6 years), now I am depression free and I actually enjoy life again.

Wonderstuff · 12/06/2009 21:56

Are you getting help for your depression?

jrsqueak · 12/06/2009 22:00

he worked late so i rang up and ordered takeaway - he asked if I would go for it - that was fine but baby then needed feeding so fed baby but baby screaming - he then went on one but to be fair I would go off on one if I had to live with me, saying I was feeding baby on purpose so didn't have to go. Not true but then he called me an idiot and said he can't cope with me anymore and has never met anyone as annoying

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jrsqueak · 12/06/2009 22:02

I was getting help but the mental health nurse discharged me cos I was fine which I prob was a bit better but am now a complete mess.

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dittany · 12/06/2009 22:02

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Wonderstuff · 12/06/2009 22:03

To me it sounds like he is the one with the problem, not you. How old is your baby? How long have you been unhappy? Does he help at home? When was the last time he was nice to you?

weegiemum · 12/06/2009 22:04

Are you getting help - therapy? medication?

It sounds likr you need it - and your dh is way off if he doesn't understand that you are ill and need help.

Everything is NOT your fault - you are ill - as if you had any physical illness, and you need help and support. I have had recurrent depression inc PND 3 times (with 3 dcs) and a supportive partner is so important - does he really understand/know what is going on with your mental health?

take care - I'll check back later.

dittany · 12/06/2009 22:05

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Haribosmummy · 12/06/2009 22:08

He had a go at you because you couldn't pick up a take out because you were feeding a baby???

That is not your fault.

Please don't believe that. Your baby doesn't hate you.

I don't know much about depression, but you physically can't do everything for everyone.

Not being able to be in two places at once is NOT YOUR FAULT. None of us can do that.

mrspnut · 12/06/2009 22:10

It sounds as though he is being unreasonable, how can you make the baby want feeding on purpose.

I'm sure you aren't actually very annoying and I'd bet any money that your husband is more than a little bit the cause of you feeling this way.

Does he support you generally, does he look after the kids when he's home from work (in the evenings and weekends to give you a break). Does he help with the cleaning and the housework?

If you answered no to those questions then I'd consider how much of your problems are actually down to him. When I was depressed my OH did all of that and much more as well as running a business. Even now when I'm well he does a lot of household tasks and looks after the children much of the time he's at home because he likes spending time with them.

jrsqueak · 12/06/2009 22:11

He is normally nice - we only got married 3 months ago. He says he is fed up and wanys his life to end putting up with my depression. he is sick of the house being a mess.

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dittany · 12/06/2009 22:13

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Haribosmummy · 12/06/2009 22:14

Is he incapable of cleaning???????????

Look, I'm not saying it's all his fault, but he can't just offer nothing and tell you it's your fault...

Can you go back to the MH nurse?

monkeytrousers · 12/06/2009 22:18

Are you taking anti-depressants. If you have a deep depression I would seriously recommend you go on these. For your kids sake if not for yourself and your marriage.

Tidying or takeaways are obvioulsy not the issue. Living with depression is - for you, him and your kids.

jrsqueak · 12/06/2009 22:23

I have just put two youngest to bed (they fell asleep on my knee) and told him I was leaving and tbh I want to and all he said was the baby will need feeding and needs me. I want to go but know he is right - baby is 7 months old.

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IneedacleanerIamalazyslattern · 12/06/2009 22:23

Please don't believe any of this is your fault. None of us can be in 2 places at once.

I do want to say though and this is no reflection of your depression I have sufered from depression in the past and recgnise all your feelings. I have also lives with someone (my ex) with depression and I don't think he was intentionally being nasty.

Yes he went about it the wrong way and what he said is totally unaceptable and you deserve a heartfelt apology but it can be hard to live with someone with depression and I firmly believe after living with my ex that I ahould have sought some support from outside as well. I said some horrid things at times (not a habit I made or something I am proud of) when we were together. At times I felt so lost and helpless. I wished so much I could wave a magic wand and make his situation better not just for me but for him and our children. It was so hard to see someone I cared about so much living through such dark times and there being little I could do for him.

I wish that at the time it had occured to me to seek some outside support as I feel that if you live with someone with depression you also need some support and some perspective and definately some help and insight into what the other person is going through to allow you to stay strong and supportive for the loved one that needs you and to help avoid outbursts like your dh's tonight.

I also woud like to say that getting yourself better is you priority not sorting out your dh's problems with this just now. Don't mean that in a harsh way I just know myself that when I was in my darkest place I wasn't strong enough to deal with this from someone else as well as my own mental health.

jrsqueak · 12/06/2009 22:24

He does help when he can, when hes here - he works long hours some days.

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jrsqueak · 12/06/2009 22:32

Will my baby be ok if I go, even for a night while i think?

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monkeytrousers · 12/06/2009 22:33

I do not think he was being intentionally nasty either, though you will get the usual suspects on here saying he was and that you will be better off without him.

He sounds like he is just at the end of his tether. It might not be nice, but it's pretty natural for a person who has maybe felt they have been walking oin eggshells for 18 months, being a carer rather than a partner.

If he sees you make a real commitment to tackling your condition - no dramatic gestures, no unreachable promises, just try to aim for stablity - one day at a time. A period of calm and quiet may sound boring but it works wonders. When suffering from depression people can get addicted to the drama of it all - it's really hard for those around them who just want a quiet life.

I'm not unsympathetic - I have suffered depression - but there are step you need to take, and only you can do it. You will have plenty of help from the professionals - use it. Try not to lean on your family as you would the professionals.

And start taking ad's if you aren't already.

monkeytrousers · 12/06/2009 22:34

"Will my baby be ok if I go, even for a night while i think?"£

That sounds like a dramatic gesture. You can think at home. Home is everything.

mrspnut · 12/06/2009 22:36

Your baby will be fine with its father, I left mine at a young age with theirs.

If you feel that you need the space to just think or even just be then tell your husband that. You need to communicate with each other to reach any kind of common ground.

dittany · 12/06/2009 22:37

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jrsqueak · 12/06/2009 22:37

monkey/slattern - I won't be better off without him I know and when I posted it wasn't to get people to say he needed to do more cleaning - I am at home all day - hes not. He can only do so much.

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jrsqueak · 12/06/2009 22:39

cos I don't know where I am going - I have no one to go to - thats not fair on the baby.

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