PND?

[NellyTheElephant]

I think I am suffering from PND, but feel uncertain what to do about it. I have a 4 yr old, a 2 yr old and a 2 month old. Since having the baby I seem to have disappeared down a black hole of despair. Everything makes me cry. I can't cope with anything and find myself constantly shouting at the older two which then sends me into a spiral of guilt and self loathing. I can't seem to do anything and sometimes feel I would happily just sit and stare at a blank wall rather than deal with any of the little ones. I didn't feel like this after I had the other two. Yes, I was a bit weepy initially but not like this. I know I need to see a doctor, but what will they do? What happens about bf if they prescribe anti depressants? The only think I seem to be doing right is bf. DS is a very happy healthy little chap and his weight has shot up from just under 25th centile at birth to over 75th now and I fear that if I had to give up bf to take ADs I'd just feel even more depressed and more of a failure than I do already, which seems counter productive.

I was just looking at a photo of DS smiling this afternoon and looking utterly adorable and it makes me want to cry because I can't seem to enjoy him or appreciate what I have got. I am so ungrateful, I have a perfect life, 3 gorgeous children and a DH who adores me and yet here I am moaning. The rational part of me knows all this but I can't seem to pull myself together. I feel like a failure. I have never failed at anything in my life before and bizarrely (I know this is stupid) I feel that if I accept that I have PND and talk to a doctor about it it is admiting defeat. I feel I should be able to snap out of it by sheer force of will, but obviously I can't.

Actually I sometimes wonder if I am cut out to be a SAHM at all. it's been a shock to the system giving up work (I hated work I thought I wanted to be at home), but I miss the status, I miss swanning round the world in first class (right now my ultimate dream is a flatbed to the Far East, a book, a glass of vintage champagne - make that a bottle! - and above all 12 hours in a cabin on my own!). Instead I'm clearing up sick and pooey pants and can no longer afford a nanny. This is silly. I hated work, I hated travelling, I hated being away from DH and the little ones.

All my friends tell me how wonderful I am looking (as if being back in my jeans is actually of any importance in the great scheme of things) and how well I am coping, I've always been a good actress and I scrub up well. I just can't seem to admit how bad things are, and yet if only I could talk to someone maybe it would help.

I also feel anorexia sniffing around the corners of my mind. It is an ever present shadow and yet for so long now I have pushed it away. But I can feel with my defences down, as they are, I could so easily let it in. It is so tempting to succumb - it's such a pefect opt out from life, from my life.

How can I sit and write all of this, I can see it all so clearly as I wallow in self pity and yet I can't seem to get a grip.

A friend of mine is coming over for coffee on Monday morning, I know she suffered from PND after her first (like me she now has 3 children aged 4 and under). I think I need to try and admit all this stuff to her first and talk about it, then take from there.

Sorry for the ramble, it's for my own benefit really, I don't expect any answers - what can you say?? See a doctor, get help.... I know, of course I know all that and yet can't seem to make myself do it.

[TripleTroubleMuffin]

Your kids are the same age gap as mine but my youngest is 4.

I had PND with all mine. I also felt that BF was the only thing I felt I was doing well.

I would go to your GP, just to talk things over if nothing else.