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started self-harming again last night for the first time in years.

(23 Posts)
jarbelle Sat 06-Jun-09 22:22:07

I don't want to go down this road again.

I used to cut myself years ago but stopped after receiving help for my panic attacks and depression.

I've felt the best I have in years since having my ds. Everyone was worried about me developing PND but even dp said I was the happiest he's seen me.

The past week I've been really low and last night it just got too much to deal with and I burnt myself so I have red welts and blisters there today, somewhere I can hide from dp, as I don't want him to know.

I'm home alone tonight and can feel those feelings again.

Is there anyone there in a similar situation?

Should I go back to ADs and CBT?

MinnieMummy Sat 06-Jun-09 22:32:10

Hi, sorry you are feeling so bad and I think it's very brave that you are acknowledging how you feel and being open about it.

Can you talk to your GP about it? What helped for you before? If ADs and CBT helped you deal with the feelings before, then it sounds like a good idea to go with treatments that work for you.

Can you talk to your DH?

MerlinsBeard Sat 06-Jun-09 22:33:37

There are safe ways to get that frustration out. Holding ice, running your hands under really cold water, scribbling furiously with abiro. Is there someone in RL you can talk to right now?

If you do have to harm, make sure you are safe, eg clean "instruments", not too much/too hard/too deep and make sure that you are able to administer first aid to yourself too.

Other than that i can't help, have recently gone back down this road myself too.

EdnaBucket Sat 06-Jun-09 22:36:02

I have no personal experience of this and don't want to say the wrong thing.

But I wanted you to know that we are out here hearing you, and supporting you.

Remember that as well as us there are people in RL who love you.

cornsilk Sat 06-Jun-09 22:38:29

I also have no personal experience but don't want to just read without posting. Sorry that you're going through this-and also you Mumof monsters - haven't seen you on for a bit, hope you're okay.

TooTicky Sat 06-Jun-09 22:40:41

Try this site
It is excellent.

MerlinsBeard Sat 06-Jun-09 22:41:59

Did ADs and CBT work last time? You may not need to them if you think that this is a blip.

smurfgirl Sat 06-Jun-09 22:45:25

I went back to self harm after a few years of not doing it. I really really regret it and feel that it was such a poor decision.

Please get help ASAP.

MerlinsBeard Sat 06-Jun-09 22:45:43

cornsilk, i am not around as much, tend to be around alot sometimes (like tonight) and just on a thread or 2 normally.

jarbelle Sat 06-Jun-09 23:03:22

I feel like crying that everyone is being so kind. I was hardening myself for a worse reponse.

The ABs and CBT helped for the general well being but I know what has sparked this off requires more specialised counselling as it's something I thought I'd come to terms with but obviously haven't.

Mumofmonsters how are you coping with this? Does your oh know? I'm so frightened of dp finding out as I don't want him to feel bad in any way.

MerlinsBeard Sat 06-Jun-09 23:06:22

I'm not coping, hence the SH lol! AM in a downward spiral and keep finding i have hit bottom only to fall a little bot depper every now and then. Am on ADs(which are yet to take effect) and have been referred to CBT but not told the Dr about SH. No OH doesn't know.

Yurtgirl Sat 06-Jun-09 23:09:21

Jarbelle - Dont be hard on yourself, honestly it would never occur to me to be hard on anyone about self harm

I am as it happens currently watching meera syals doc available on iplayer atm - A world of pain - very interesting. It might help you not to feel alone or judged for self harm

What would dh say if you told him?

jarbelle Sat 06-Jun-09 23:21:28

I've heard a few people mention that iplayer yurtgirl.

I don't know what dp would say. Been through a hard life himself with his parents dying through alcoholism when he was young and leaving him alone at 16 with his younger sister. He has the whole "life is hard, suck it up" kind of attitude. So I don't think he would take it great and I don't want to burden him as he has been through so much.

Mumofmonsters I'm sorry you are going through this too. Did we cross swords about music talents shows and 'having a proper job?' my ill-thought words??

Yurtgirl Sat 06-Jun-09 23:30:28

Its available for a few more days - If dh watched it he might well change his opinion about self harm

As one girl in the programe says - when some people get stressed they smoke [I prefer chocolate!] other people selfharm - it isnt bad or awful, just different

RockinSockBunnies Sat 06-Jun-09 23:39:50

You don't have to keep self-harming. Look on it as a one-off episode if you possibly can.

I self harmed for years, stopped around 22, hurt myself at the beginning of the year which really freaked me out, but haven't done anything since.

I know it can be such a relief but long-term it doesn't help. Is there anything you can do to distract yourself? Sleep? Watch a DVD? I've found the "worst-timed fart thread" here on Mumsnet very distracting in recent days.....

jarbelle Sat 06-Jun-09 23:44:21

Thanks yurtgirl, I might just download and make dp watch it as a forewarning type of thing.

I never, ever want dp to know but if he does find out I'd rather he knew what it was about and not blame himself that I want "to kill myself", something furthest from my mind, it's just my way of dealing with emotional pain

jarbelle Sat 06-Jun-09 23:53:26

Omg how loong does it take me type!!

Rockinsock I did stop for years myself. I know it doesn't help long term. "worst timed- fart" intruiging......

Actually everyone here has helped tonight and I appreciate it so much. And it's great to hear I'm nt the only one with these feelings

notevenamousie Sun 07-Jun-09 12:43:53

I still struggle with it too. I don't know how to get rid of the thoughts, but you can control the actions, eventually. If you can, at all, tell your OH, I think it would be a good idea. He might surprise you. Could you go and see your GP - the sooner the referral is in the system, the better.

flamingobingo Sun 07-Jun-09 13:11:46

jarbelle - I wonder if a longer term therapy would be more helpful to you? CBT can be fab, but I understand it can also be a bit of a sticking plaster - some long term psychoanalytic psychotherapy may help you never get this low again.

alicecrail Sun 07-Jun-09 13:32:50

I used to cut myself quite often, and things came to a head when i was 20 when i took an overdose. It shocked me and i started to change my life and behaviour patterns. It wasn't easy and i have had several relapses.

Like you, i was so worried about getting PND because my 'history' but again like you it was the happiest i had ever been.

The only way i can stop myself going there again is that i recognise the signs and i find it doesn't take me by surprise anymore. When i feel bad, i stop what i am doing and do something that is so consuming that my brain has to stop on its train of thought iyswim?

I see the scars on my arm and hate them so much that i absolutely refuse to go there again, i am in control and there is just no way its going to take over my life.

Think very carefully about last time and what made you do it, and what made you stop. Try to learn to recognise the bad feelings before they are too ingrained and you are unable to do anything about it.

If you need someone to chat to, i can give you my email

big unmumsnet hug smile

MerlinsBeard Sun 07-Jun-09 14:02:30

jarbelle, we very possibly did but i don't hold a grudge about things like that, i was probably having a sensitive day is all

jarbelle Sun 07-Jun-09 21:29:00

Thanks everyone.

I've been totally distracted with my mum being ill and having to help her today I haven't had time to think about it. Or be on here.

Dp was home early last night so I didn't do anything although it's something now constantly in the back of mind.

Mumofmonsters - it wouldn't take anyone to hold a grudge against me as I permanently have my foot in my mouth. How are you feeling today yourself?

I think maybe something more long-term might help flamingo but I never usually have the sticking power for it. I start to go, start to feel better and stop before I'm meant to iykwim. Dp sees all those type of therapies as a waste of time - last time I saw a psych I hid it from him and he only found out months later when a letter arrived through the door that he opened by mistake.

alice - I can't believe I got a hug on MN. I'm now part of a very select group I took an OD when I was 17, before I started cutting. I know I definately wouldn't do that now. I value my ds more than anything and would hate to leave him without a mum, especially as dp has had to go through that. When I start to feel bad though, it's like I can't do anything else. I just get sucked deeper into it. I feel so much self-hatred and powerlessness to change it.

MerlinsBeard Mon 08-Jun-09 14:43:32

How are you doing? Sounds like for you, at the moment, then ADs would be the way to go-yes they take time to work(am still waiting for mine to take effecthmm) but i think that knowing that you had that to help you would be beneficial to you right now x

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