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I am really struggling

(28 Posts)
notevenamousie Sun 31-May-09 09:58:36

Have a 2.5 dd, lone parent, bipolar disorder. I feel really terrible. Don't have many local friends, one of them asked me if I was fit to be a mother the last time I talked to her.

I think if it keeps feeling this bad I might ring the samaritans this afternoon, which I've never done before, whilst my daughter has a nap. I am really, really struggling and I don't know what to do.

duchesse Sun 31-May-09 10:15:43

Oh golly, you sound very down at the moment. The isolation of having a small child can be crushing at times. It's a difficult time for any new parent but more so if you have bouts of being down. I'm assuming you have moved since your daughter was born, away from any friends you may have made in antenatal classes.

BTW That "friend" sounds like a prize cow.

When my children were very small, I found the only way to keep my sanity was to get out to playgroups and mother and toddler things, and chat with other mothers, even if we didn't necessarily have all that much in common. Does your daughter go to playgroup at the moment?

Also, do you know about SureStart schemes? They seem to have the most marvellous playschemes where the toddlers and babies can play while the mums chat. Also you can access things like counselling through the centres. I'll have a poke around the site now to see how you access them.

notevenamousie Sun 31-May-09 12:05:55

Thank you so much for replying. I don't live in a SureStart area unfortunately. I work full time, which is possibly going to become unsustainable with my health like this. I just don't know what to do really. Trying to get through the days an hour at a time. I see my pshychiatrist tomorrow, so will see if there's anything else he can offer.

FeelMuchBrighterToday Sun 31-May-09 12:11:28

hi notevenamousie, bipolar itself can be a full time job when you're low can't it? any chance of some time off/flexi-time or other adjustments at work until your mood stabilises a bit higher?

what is psychiatrist doing about your depression? just curious because so many of us with bp have a hard time finding anti-depressants that don't make things worse

are you getting any help from a cpn/sw?

amisuchabadmummy Sun 31-May-09 12:16:45

im sorry you feel like this.

and as for your "friend" who made that comment, no wonder you feel down if you have friends like that.

can you go out anywhere today, even just a walk around the block?

or can anyone come round to you for a bit?

notevenamousie Sun 31-May-09 12:27:44

I'm on sertraline and mirtazipine for the depression - you'd think they would be enough together! I'm also on valproate but still having terrible anxiety and lows.

I am really distressed by my thoughts about my daughter - I just don't feel good enough for her, and maybe she would be better off without me.

I have a crisis team number but last time I phoned them they told me I should "relax more" and "drink camomile tea" which didn't exactly help.

FeelMuchBrighterToday Sun 31-May-09 12:38:32

at least they didn't say 'have a nice hot bubbly bath' angry though obviously it does help to find ways to relax/distract yourself/'improve the moment' to get you through to the next one

have 'been there' with the thoughts you describe, will probably go there again on and off throughout life, but you do know it's your mood talking don't you? it's not true, nobody is better off without their mum unless their mum is Rose West or something

have you been on that combination long? apparently lithium and lamotrigine much more effective against the depressive side than valproate, think lithium is the only one there is really hard evidence for but I had too many problems with it (although it worked wonders for my moods)

if you've been feeling this way for a while it might be worth pushing for some changes in meds, it's hard though, do you find they take the lows less seriously than the highs?

FabulousBakerGirl Sun 31-May-09 12:41:26

I wish I knew what to say to help. sad

Your "friend" is no friend making commente like that and it may do you good to have a break from her for a while.

I would go to my GP if I were you. Phone lines can only help to a degree. Also some time off work might help too.

notevenamousie Sun 31-May-09 12:53:08

Thank you so much for replying.

I have just put dd in her cot for a nap, though she is singing not sleeping at the moment! I have to wait in for to come this afternoon, but once they have been I think we might go out - though it makes the anxiety worse it is usually worth it.

Lithium made me really flat, I had no normal emotions on it. I have had lots of changes recently - he is into "treating the phase" and stopping the drugs quickly afterwards. I feel so desperate still on multiple drugs, but whenever I tell him how I really feel he says I should be off work, which makes things worse again.

They definitely take the lows less seriously than the highs - because of my dd, I have not hurt myself in a couple of years but I don't really know how long I can hang on for.

FeelMuchBrighterToday Sun 31-May-09 13:10:08

I have a friend who is a bit of a specialist in this area, he has been saying recently that the evidence points towards treating the acute episodes instead of the long term maintenance approach that we've all been told to accept - it appeals to me because I'm frustrated by weight gain and various other side effects of being on 3 different meds long term (anti-psych, mood stabiliser and anti-depressant) but scared to rock the boat (spent a lot of time in hospital before settling down on this combination)

sorry to turn your thread into general bipolar meds chat! I don't know if it helps to remind yourself that the depression will go away with or without treatment eventually anyway, like a cold, I do forget in some ways what it's like but as soon as it comes back it feels so permanent and final and unchangeable

I hope sooner rather than later you're finding it hard to believe you ever felt this bad but before that hope you can get through to the psych just how bad you are feeling right now x

notevenamousie Sun 31-May-09 13:20:25

Do you mind me asking, were you hospitalised before your children or afterwards? I have insisted on staying out in recent months, but I am not sure that it's done much good. I guess I just feel like I want to give in and I want someone to look after me, but I can't do that or have that, I have too much responsibility now. Which leads to the confusion about my daughter, I guess.

This dip has been really bad. I am so grateful for the support on here. I really thought it would have lifted by now. It is just so hard, I am so weepy and uncertain and sad, and trying not to be distressed in front of my daughter.

FeelMuchBrighterToday Sun 31-May-09 13:35:26

unfortunately after I had children (have 3), and am a single parent like you - friends rallied round and eventually even my family (who are not exactly supportive) took a turn in looking after them. Have you got any family who can help?

haven't been in for over 4 years now, will be 5 at the end of this year, and have only had one episode (low then high) where I came close to being admitted last year although my general ups and downs are a bit more pronounced than in most people it's manageable

wonder if you can push for a bit more help from the services? are there any mdf groups meeting near you?

notevenamousie Sun 31-May-09 14:20:38

I am geographically very isloated (so don't want to reveal where) - my mum, despite not being well herself, is coming out tomorrow. I am going to ask again for a CPN - wasn't entitled before as was working full time.

The anxiety is as bad as the depression - getting through the hours is really hard today - my thoughts are totally horribly chaotic with worries about work and about whether I am damaging my dd. Sorry to moan on. This is just about getting me through.

amisuchabadmummy Sun 31-May-09 14:27:14

i dont know much about this but have been following the thread and i just wanted to say how brave i think you are... coping on your own with a young child is hard enough (i know!) let alone having to deal with what you are going through.

i think even just today where you are clearly trying to battle it and do the best for your DD shows what a good mum you are and how strong you are.

sorry if saying that is out of turn, i know no-one can know how hard it is for you but just wanted to say how it looks from the outside.... and give you something positive.

notevenamousie Sun 31-May-09 14:38:27

Thank you, so much. I don't feel like I am doing well at all. Just crying, hoping dd will sleep on even though she'd been asleep nearly an hour and a half and wondering how we're going to survive the rest of the day. It's just like anyone else's down, I'm sure, it's just that it feels very intense adn neverending at the moment.

FeelMuchBrighterToday Sun 31-May-09 14:39:55

you're not moaning, it's just so hard to cope with this on your own. I wish there was more support on offer or that I had a magic wand to materialise some Glad your mum is coming and hope you get a nice CPN too

trying to think about what has helped me and other people (used to run self help group in the past) for ideas for you, but other than getting the right meds and talking to people who understood what it was like I can't think of anything much - except for the mdf self-management course which taught me a lot about recognising and responding to symptoms earlier on. Otherwise all the stuff about eating regularly and getting a good sleep and trying to get outside for a gentle walk etc, did actually help me through and have become routine.

FeelMuchBrighterToday Sun 31-May-09 14:43:30

Get the crisis team out though if you are starting to formulate specific plans to hurt yourself, please?

notevenamousie Sun 31-May-09 15:22:38

I'm going to try and take dd out to the swings for a bit. I am shaking and trying not to cry still.

My mum is coming early and will be here this evening, I am going to be brave and try and talk about this stuff to her.

amisuchabadmummy Sun 31-May-09 16:14:08

every little step, making yourself a cup of tea, taking dd out to the swings is a step in the right direction, even if its just a distraction to get through the day.

glad your mum is coming tonight, hang on to that thought.

and it sounds like you are doing well to me, you're still there arent you? you've got through most of the day now, and dd is safe and fine... you are doing really well.

Janos Sun 31-May-09 19:00:47

I am so sorry you are feeling like this notevenamousie and I really do feel for you. Good that your mum is coming up

Please do keep posting here for support. I have been through very severe PND and while I know it is NOT the same thing I do understand how down and desperate you can get. It can be very isolating being on your own with a wee one, I know.

I agree with others that it probably a good idea for you to take some time off work. That way you will at least get a little time to yourself as I'm guessing your DD is in childcare while you are at work? Are your work sympathetic/flexible? Because that too can make such a difference.

Sorry, what a lecture.

You are already doing so well by just getting through the day. Keep posting here for support.

Oh and I agree your 'friend' should be ignored. What a dreadful thing to say - what you need is support and help, not people having a go.

Thinking of you.

notevenamousie Mon 01-Jun-09 07:11:29

Well, I've decided not to go in to work.
I am crying already and the day feels like far, far too much.

I have also decided that I am going to be totally honest with my psychiatrist and if he wants me to go in then that's what I am going to have to do. I am going to have to ring my ex about our dd this morning which is not going to be easy. I really need the help though, hard as it is to admit. Thank you so much for all the support on here.

Janos Mon 01-Jun-09 09:19:58

Good that you are not going in to work mousie. It will give you a little 'head space'.

I think honesty is the best policy with your psychiatrist, they are best placed to help.

When I explained to mine how I was feeling, it was like he understood completely and assured me I wasn't going mad. I cried with the relief.

Must go as DS calling. Thinking of you.

amisuchabadmummy Mon 01-Jun-09 09:38:05

asking for help is really hard, well done for making that decision.

is your mum still with you?

hope today is better for you...

notevenamousie Mon 01-Jun-09 10:10:29

My mum is still here. My boyfriend has told her about my suicidal thoughts. I am terrified but I think I might have to go into hospital.

amisuchabadmummy Mon 01-Jun-09 12:19:09

sorry if this is insensitive question but why are you terrified of going into hospital?

if you can rationalise why you are so scared mmaybe it might help?

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