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Feeling low about my past?

(8 Posts)
welshmammy2009 Thu 28-May-09 20:48:33

I dont know whats wrong with me i feel so low and i dont know if its because of things that have happened in the past.

My parents divorced 10 years ago and ive never spoken to anyone about how it affected me, i have no relationship with my dad now.

All of a sudden i seem to be struggling with things that ive found easy in the past and im worried that bottling everything up over the past 10 years is making me feel so low.

thumbwitch Fri 29-May-09 00:58:06

you could be right about that, welshmammy.

What else is going on in your life right now? are other things being difficult? it might be that problems you are experiencing now are throwing up memories of your parents; and your body could be just jumping ahead of the schedule and assuming the worst.

First off I would try and work out "why now?" and then decide how you deal with it.

welshmammy2009 Fri 29-May-09 19:13:57

just had a job promotion and struggling with it i dont know why because im not the type of person who gets stressed out

HolyGuacamole Fri 29-May-09 19:15:32

Do you regret not having a relationship with your father?

welshmammy2009 Fri 29-May-09 20:15:09

no i dont think i regret it im not sure how i feel really i think i feel more of a disappointment to him because e doesnt want to know me

HolyGuacamole Sat 30-May-09 12:35:37

There are lots of fathers who don't stay in contact with their children after divorce and that is not your fault at all.

The issue of your parents divorce seems like something you should definitely explore when you feel ready. When my parents divorced, I don't think I so much as mentioned it to anyone for years (new people I met knew nothing of my family as I simply did not mention them for fear of losing it and bursting into tears). It was very much a closed subject as it was far too upsetting to get into and I hadn't really explored my feelings on it, I just shut it out. Someone once said to me (after a bit of a drink) "Holy, you never talk about 'your stuff'" and I stuttered and didn't know what to say, could feel the tears coming and had to leave the room.

I decided the next day that I had to sort it out, not for other people but for myself. I wanted to be a more open person and I didn't want how I felt, to affect my relationships etc.

Nowadays, it is a normal everyday subject for me and I can think and talk about it without feeling upset at all. In my case, exploring the feelings and talking helped loads and loads. I don't mean to talk about myself blush, I'm just trying to give an example to show that there absolutely is a way through it, you just need to find the right method for you, as and when you are ready smile

welshmammy2009 Sat 30-May-09 21:42:03

Holy thats exactly how i was when my parents split up, i hope one day i can open up and talk about it.

I keep thinking i will burst into tears if i tell people i wont be strong enough to handle it - how did you manage?

HolyGuacamole Sat 30-May-09 23:09:58

I think you have to accept that you are human and have been bottling things up for a long time. Accepting that you are 100% gonna cry and feel daft and weak, all the things that stop you from talking about it till now. It all comes to the surface and I don't think there is anything you can do to stop it. You just have to accept it is going to happen when you decide to let it all out. And....there is NOTHING wrong with that.

In fact, the fear of letting it all out is worse than actually doing it!

I spoke to a friend (there's no way I could have talked to either of my parents about it), a very good friend. I think she was quite shocked when I started talking and TBH I could tell that she really felt for me. I was not looking for sympathy, just a bit of empathy and understanding and it was brilliant. There was wine involved, which made it a whole lot easier grin

After I talked about it for the first time, I thought "oh, I wonder if my friend thinks I'm an arse" and felt so kind of 'open' and embarrassed, but in reality it was completely fine and she told me things I never expected. Honest things like she thought I acted kind of ice-queen-ish and gave off an invisble air of defensiveness, certain subjects being out of bounds.

I guess I knew I was like that, but to hear someone else say it hit home. I thought, why should I let this thing hang around my neck like a big bloody weight, a big defensive wall of standoffishness. And I wondered if maybe other people had maybe misunderstood me because of my big defensive wall.

Sorry for the length of the post blush You need to find someone you really trust, do the first bit, which is the hardest, get it all out and listen too. Take any constructive criticism (and criticism is probably a bad word because it is not a critical process, it is beneficial) and use it to make you the kind of person you want to be. Honestly, I spent years holding myself back and it was just a waste of time. Hindsight is a wonderful thing!

I'm totally cool to talk about anything if you wanna ask stuff, it may or may not be relevant to you but don't think you're alone cos that is just not the case!!!!

Let it all go and with it, a lot of your troubles will go too. It can be done and it will improve your life smile

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