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So sad about my Dad, worried about my Mum, and f***ing livid with dh

(21 Posts)
emkana Thu 05-May-05 19:26:53

My dad has Alzheimers/dementia. He was diagnosed nearly three years ago, but it developed earlier than that. He's only 63. So far he's been holding up well, but lately things have been getting more and more difficult. My mum is working still, but will retire in July. I worry so much about what life will be like for them in the future. I think my mum will miss work terribly and things with my dad will get harder and harder. And there's so little I can do to help... especially because I live in England and my parents are in Germany.

I talked to my mum this morning and she was having a hard time with my dad. Since then I've been thinking about it and feeling very very sad and worried. Dh got home tonight and wasn't particularly bothered how I was feeling. He went sort of "there there" but it was as if we're talking about a broken ankle, not a serious incurable progressive disease. He's like "Well there's nothing you can do, so why worry?"
Great help!
While we were getting the kids ready for bed I said to him that he could be more sympathetic. Then he started having a go at me, saying I was like this "all the time" and that I could f* off. !!!!!!!! I haven't cried about my Dad since he was diagnosed in 2002, but even if I did cry every couple of months, so bloody what? I'm obviously only wanted here when I have a happy face.
After he had read dd1 her story he came in and did his usual thing of pretending everything was okay again. (Dd1 had made him apologize for the swearing immediately after it happened.) But I told him that I couldn't believe what he had done and that he should go away.

Am going to see my friend tonight, thank God. Would still appreciate some replies though!

Thanks for "listening"

emkana Thu 05-May-05 19:41:22

Well I'm going out now.

I had been hoping for a couple of replies before going out...

come on MN, please don't let me down.

bundle Thu 05-May-05 19:44:13

oh love i'm so sorry no one replied, i missed this and am off myself now. will try to post later and i'm sure others will too, x

lima Thu 05-May-05 19:45:05

sorry to hear about your dad - my MIL has the same illness and it is truly heart-breaking

LGJ Thu 05-May-05 19:46:50

I did reply that is the second time tonight it has happened. I am sure it is abuser error.

Will post it again.

And I would have been the first

LGJ Thu 05-May-05 19:49:27

Can't find it

I said

What an arse,

What ever happened to for better or for worse, in sickness and in health.

whymummy Thu 05-May-05 19:49:31

i'm really sorry about your dad emkana,he's still young to be going through this i know how you must feel as my mum and dad live in spain they're 80 and 75,my mum just recently lost the sight in one eye and was very depressed,i felt so useless not being able to help,your dad's so much serious though and it must be so frustrating for you not being with them,your dh's behaviour is not on,he should understand

emkana Thu 05-May-05 21:51:58

Well I went to see my friend but left early because I felt I wanted to make it up with dh. Now I'm even more angry though, when I got in he pretended everything was all right and disappeared to do something on the computer, not saying anything about the row. I've just had a major go at him for his method of "conflict solving". He can really f* off now.

QueenEagle Thu 05-May-05 22:25:14

Emkana. really sorry to hear about your dad. Slightly different, but my dad had leukaemia diagnosed 8 years ago and it really feels like we're just waiting for the worst aat anytime.

I'm guessing but it sounds to me as if your dh has never had a similar sort of experience himself with members of his family being ill. Therefore, he probably cannot empathise at all with this. I personally think it's a man thing - maybe he doesn't know how to comfort you or what to say to make you feel better so saying nothing is (in his eyes) the best thing?

Disappearing to the computer is likely to be an avoidance technique, if he engrosses himself in the pc then he doesn't have to speak to you and he can't say the wrong think iykwim? Maybe just give him a kiss and say you're off to bed then try talking in the morning when you are a bit calmer?

lima Thu 05-May-05 22:27:20

emma - I'm not sure if men are very good in these situations. As I said earlier its my MIL with the illness and my dh and his bro have really struggled with coming to terms with it - in particular his bro didn't seem to accept what was happening.

Men do have this perculiar need to 'fix' problems and are pretty useless at things they can't fix

and ((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))

spod Thu 05-May-05 22:30:10

dementia/Alzheimers is awful... very isolating, tiring, frustrating for realtives let alone the 'patient'. I hope you and your familt are getting some proper support from the medical profession and social services... help is out there but unfortunately you have to seek it out. i would cry too if it was my dad, and i know my dh would be such an arse... you are owed an apology from him.... he should sweep you up in a big hug, not crap on you. so sorry you are feeling low.... we've had this in our family too.... its truely exhausting. Please contact social services for support from your mum and dad. keep well. xx

Blu Thu 05-May-05 22:32:06

Emkana - I am not surprised you are upset - you must feel really lonely, your parents so far away, and your DH being so unempathetic.

It may be that he feels frightened, and it may be a Mars and venus thing. Apprantly men only share problems when actual practical advice can be exchchanged and acted upon. many men are of the 'if there's nothing you can do, why worry' mindset Does that sound like your DH?

I think the reason you didn't get MN suport at the crucial moment was that you posted in that teatime-bedtime-adult-supper rush.

Hope you can talk to your DH and get him to take a holiday on venus for a while.

RTKangaMummy Thu 05-May-05 22:32:49


Sorry don't have any experience but am thinking of you

Wanted to send you some cyberhugs {{{{{{{{{{{{}}}}}}}}}}}

and kisses xxxxxxxxxx

soapbox Thu 05-May-05 22:36:59

Emkana - I'm so sorry that I didn't see this earlier and that you are upset about people not responding

TBH I think we're all carried away a little tonight chatting about the election and watching the TV coverage!

Anyway, as regards your DH I just don't think that some men deal very well with teh emotional aspects of illness in the family. When my DF was dying (and it was obvious we were talking hours or days) I had flown up to Scotland with my DH and children. DH had not long started a new job and was fully intending to fly back to London the following morning leaving me with a 5month old a 2 year old and a dying father and grief stricken mother.

I drove him to the airport early the next day and half way there drew up into a laybye and said 'you know if you actually get on that plane I will divorce you'! Luckily he told me to turn round and go home!

No idea where it came from and he was sooo shocked! I just think that he wanted to be anywhere else rather in this heavy waiting for God environment!

It is horrid to see your parents go through illness like this- and alzheimers in particular is a nasty long winded disease. It leaves everyone in the family and close to the family exhausted and fraught!

I do think that you need to be explicit to your DH about what support you expect from him and make sure he knows that the distance from your family adds to the burden!

Is it possible for you to go home and spend some time with your parents?

PuffTheMagicDragon Thu 05-May-05 22:37:08

The "everything is suddenly OK" routine would make me feel wild with anger too - definitely out of order - you're in a v stressful situation and need comfort and support.

MarsLady Thu 05-May-05 22:54:04

Hi honey. I've been consumed with the DTs tonight. Had no time to breathe, however, I just want you to know that I'm sorry you've not felt listened to tonight. I'm sorry that your DH is an absolute &*^%% and I'm sorry that things are so hard. Thinking of you.

emkana Thu 05-May-05 22:55:12

Well things between me and dh are still crap and actually getting worse. I hate him right now.
Thanks for all your replies. Will go to bed now.


QueenEagle Thu 05-May-05 23:00:09

Ok so my suggestion of a kiss was not a good one. I was thinking it might break the tension a little, and give you both some breathing space if you went to bed. Resuming talking in the morning is often better as you are less likely to be as wound up by his reaction. I do think he has acted in a totally uncaring manner and I would feel the same if my dh reacted like this.

I agree with soapbox that you need to spell out what you need/want in terms of support from your dh. Maybe he sincerely doesn't know how to support you and being explicit is the only way to get through to him.

berolina Fri 06-May-05 20:58:02

emkana, how are things today?

emkana Sun 08-May-05 00:18:44

berolina -

thank you so much for asking, I only just saw this, sorry!

Things are much better. I spoke to my mum and she is feeling much better (for now anyway). She is so brilliant at coping with the awfully difficult situation she finds herself in. Just hope that giving up work won't be too much for her!

Dh and I have made up and actually had one of our very rare nights out tonight, and it was really good.

So I'm much happier!

whymummy Sun 08-May-05 09:14:05

that's great emkana

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