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Am I going mad? Longer than I thought.

(11 Posts)
posieparker Tue 12-May-09 20:03:26

Firstly forgive me if I use politically incorrect terminology, ignorance and frustration may prevail.... I don;t think I will but...
I have 4 dcs, the youngest 6mth, oldest 7. The week after my dc4 was born my DH got a 75% pay cut and demotion, a complete prick has taken his place. All illegal but nothing we can do as he still earns more than he could elsewhere. My oldest DCs are having to leave their school and I thought we'd lose our house.... thank the lord or mortgage is a tracker! DC4 has had acid reflux and been a very difficult baby, crying a lot (all of the time). This has improved a lot in the last month but his crying fills my whole head with noise and it feels like a physical presence in my head..like it's crushing my brain.
My DH is a wanker, calls me lots of names cunt, slag, fat bitch etc and I'm not sure I love him anymore, I'm not sure I ever did.
My oldest DCs have witnessed lots of arguing and fight all of the time, they are boys a year apart.
My house gets into a complete state and although it can look lovely it is only this way once or twice a month, the rest of the time I'm catching up badly. I hear myself muttering how much I hate my life, and have even said to my older boys tonight, who are still only very young, that I think they may behave for another Mummy. I know this is terrible and I feel dreadful, but they had shouted and screamed for 1 hour and then dc1 had left a deep red mark on dc2.
I rarely smile, even when they do nice things, cute things... I do smile at my baby and dc3(2) but even that's not that often.
I cannot take much more of this, I sometimes think (although wouldn't) about driving into a wall or even head butting it and have wondered how much relief self harm can do.... although am way too squeamish.
Is this depression? Or have I just got too much to deal with?

Sparkletastic Tue 12-May-09 20:12:26

All the financial issues aside, and the stresses and strains that must inevitably come with mothering 4 DCs, it sounds like your relationship with your DH is very poor. Has it / he always been like this? Has he become verbally abusive since the work situation or was he before? Of course you are depressed - who wouldn't be?! - but seems like you have very good reason. Any RL friends or family to support you?

posieparker Tue 12-May-09 20:18:10

Parents live abroad, sister has small dcs of her own.... friends all busy busy.
DH has become worse the more I need him, he was great when earning the easy money and enjoyed spending. But who wouldn't be 'happy' although not fulfilled when spending and buying things.... all five minutes of joy.... but no true happiness in this house. THere's nothing redeeming about him. He's good in bed and used to earn good money and I'm realizing that there's not a lot else to us.
He's been verbally abusive for years and especially shit when I'm pg or have a small baby probably because I am the most needy.

theDreadPirateRoberts Tue 12-May-09 20:19:17

I would say that you're having a perfectly understandable reaction to the shit that life has thrown at you recently, but part of that reaction could well be the start of depression. You're clearly worried that you're not 'there' enough, smiley enough for your DCs - perhaps you could contact Homestart, or Surestart, and see if they can offer you some help - both with the younger ones, and also with the house.

And your DH sounds pretty horrible atm - as sparkle says, is this recent?

theDreadPirateRoberts Tue 12-May-09 20:22:22

Crossposts.

His behaviour to you does sound awful. I'm hesitating here because I think you have enough on your plate without you having to analyse your relationship too. But what does your gut tell you? If he was behaving better, could you cope better?

What's the worst thing for you right now? What can you deal with first?

posieparker Tue 12-May-09 20:25:57

Tonight it's housework and bed early with a parenting book. I'm just so knackered.
My goal is kitchen, dining room, lounge and then a bit of ironing to pointless TV!!
Tomorrow I'm getting up early and do the bathroom before the dcs awake. I may even hoover the stairs!

theDreadPirateRoberts Tue 12-May-09 20:31:11

Is housework the worst of your problems then? Can't the older 2 boys be helping - dusting, mopping, hoovering etc? Cheap entertainment after all...

posieparker Tue 12-May-09 20:32:47

The house being chaotic does cloud my mind, and yes tomorrow could be the new job chart for the boys.......mwah mwah!

posieparker Tue 12-May-09 20:33:32

Right I am going to get off MN.......thank you very much for your time.

theDreadPirateRoberts Tue 12-May-09 20:40:40

Hope you work things through, and enjoy your DCs smile

hopersevere Mon 08-Jun-09 13:51:09

To anyone who thinks they might be in a verbally abusive relationship and doesn't know what to do, I have found the following very helpful: http://www.hiddenhurt.co.uk/Types/verbal.htm Also for further detail, Patricia Evan's books, 'The Verbally Abusive Relationship' and 'Controlling People', and another website:
http://www.tearsandhealing.com
Best of luck x

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