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Just had a set back.

(20 Posts)
Louise1980 Tue 03-May-05 14:56:27

This might sound trivial to you lot but its had a huge effect on me. (and its long)

I better explain a bit first. When I got pg in oct 2001 with ds2 it was to man who was just a 1 night stand. (hate to admit it) I didnt want to go ahead with the pregnancy but he did and talkied me in to it, said everything I really needed/wanted to hear. I know it was still be decision, but when he left me I felt let down and became resentfull of the unborn baby. This was a baby he wanted so much but al of a sudden didnt. I suffered ante-natal depression followed by postnatal depression.
I have struggled long and hard with only the support of my family and Iam much better now.
DS2 was born in July 02 and since then I have had lots of trouble with his father. He has put his name on his birth cert, denied paternity, fought with me to see him, denied paternity and wont pay maintainance.

He slags me off to every1 he thinks knows me and they all think Im a bitch for deniying him contact but he wants nothing to do with him.

Anyway back to my point, I have the CSA involved as Im on benefits and they have done an assessment 3 times because he keeps changing his job, hours, etc to get out of paying. It really P%sses me off that he fought with me to keep him and now he wont pay.

Its set me back because Ive fought so hard over the last 3yrs to accept a baby I never really wanted. Dont get me wrong I love him so much and wouldnt change things now. I just dont understand how he can do this. Ive been to hell and back and he would rater be on the dole than oay me £20 a week to support HIS BABY as was shouted at me!

Its really upset me and I wonder what was the point of me struggling all this time to accept him when no 1 else does?

Am I over-reacting or is my anger/frustration etc justified?

Louise1980 Tue 03-May-05 15:01:07

Did I say man? I meant dangerous weapon!

FLUM Tue 03-May-05 17:00:34

here it is.

this chick needs some help. lets try.

he sounds a real piece of work though. very ermm unpredictable - does he really keep changing his mind on weather he wants to be dad or not.

LGJ Tue 03-May-05 17:00:46

Bump for Louise1980 a wannabe thread killer

FLUM Tue 03-May-05 17:01:02

i do think you should continue the claim. if only to maintain contact

Louise1980 Tue 03-May-05 17:06:58

He wants to be a dad if I can prove he is the dad!

Bloody wish he wasnt!! I would let him be part of ds life if thats what he wants but he isnt mature enough and his g/f has a lot of influence over him.

Shes so naieve (is that how you spell it) tho, on friday night he walked around a pub looking for sex! How did I ever !!

Louise1980 Tue 03-May-05 17:07:30

He doesnt see him Flum.

FLUM Tue 03-May-05 17:11:24

well we've all made mistakes. i think most girls would be able to say ' there for the grace of God go I'

I can help with spelling 'naive'. He does sound very immature. really feel for you.

I suppose the CSA set up to try and take the pressure off mums looking for Dad to help a bit. Doensn;t seem to be doing that for you though

Louise1980 Tue 03-May-05 17:15:03

Ds has everythign he could want and more, loads more. I suppose im just being a bit childish thinking he's winning all the time.

My mam says I should think Ive won because its me who gets all the cuddles and love and pictures, and mucky clothes, and vomit! All he gets is a £5 charge for the next 13yrs for one night of crap sex!! It would have been cheaper buying the sex!

FLUM Tue 03-May-05 17:19:49

Your mum sounds funny!!

yeah keep the money coming if you can. he deserves. it. put it into one bank account. and when ds is older say 25 give it to him and then you can say that everything he's had has been from you and you're family and the little windfall he'll get had to be strong armed from his father.

try to be kind about the dad though, it means a lot to kids to think their dads are great even if they are crap

FLUM Tue 03-May-05 17:23:06

gotta go now for lengthy commute home.

hope you feel better soon. you've done so well with your son, from a bl**dy hard starting point. bet he adores you though!

Louise1980 Tue 03-May-05 20:03:12

Flum to an outsider you would never know where we started from. At times he like my siamese twin!

LGJ Tue 03-May-05 20:08:43

I would be very pissed off, if I were you, but you have a child you love very much and a great family, what has F**K features got ??

Louise1980 Tue 03-May-05 20:12:22

By features do you mean ds dad?

weesaidie Tue 03-May-05 20:15:00

Hey Louise1980

What an absolute b@**%D! I cannot believe that he is able to get away with that behaviour (after he persuaded you to have ds2!?), but the CSA has a pretty bad reputation...

I don't understand men like that, don't they have any shame?

I think your mum is right, you are the lucky one, I remember being gutted after my ex left me because I wouldn't have an abortion but I know now how much better off I am without someone like that!

Keep fighting and keep smiling!

FLUM Wed 04-May-05 10:10:13

Louise1980, do you mean your ds's dad is like your Siamese twin. I thought it was a brief liason.

He may improve with age..... like wine.

or he might get worse.... time will tell. Keep the communication lines open at any rate, if you can.

Heleen Wed 04-May-05 10:16:47

I think you should try to set up some rules. You are still expecting things from him, so setting yourself up for disappointments every time again.
Treat him like you would do your children. Set some straight rules and stick to them. Rules about when to see the kids, what he can or can't do in your house and get on with your OWN life.
Kind regards
Heleen

Louise1980 Wed 04-May-05 15:36:31

Thats the thing that annoys me most Heleen. He doesnt even see my ds!

bubbly1973 Wed 04-May-05 16:12:18

louise i only just saw this thread hun

my friend went through exactly the same thing with her ex, only difference being that she was going out with him at the time they had a baby

soon after he didnt want to know, didnt want the responsibility and didnt pay no maintenance, and wouldnt get a job then if he did get the job it would be on the sly

my friend decided to take everything he said and did with a pinch of salt, it made it far easier than if she expected him to do something, and then getting dissapointed and angry with him when he never carried out what he was goin to do

she informed csa and then got on with her life

i think you are more pissed off because he made you more or less have a baby with empty promises and you feel annoyed with yourself for listening

thats not to say that you are not glad that you never terminated as you and ds now have a bond

your mother is right you know...he is the one missing out

my friend did say the older her ds got the easier life was...she was able to have more independence, study and get a job, her ds is 11 now and the most charming boy you have ever met

not forgetting that there is a chance of your ds's father growing up a bit in years to come and realising its only right to financially take responsibility...that happened with my friend, it may not happen with you but you never know

its not fair he is such an arse and im sorry you are going through this
xx

Louise1980 Wed 04-May-05 17:17:46

Bubbly thank you. I think you are right. Im more annoyed with myself because I let him talk me round. He is definatly missing out. I only have him here now as ds1 is with grandma for the night and we are having so much fun. We've washed dishes and made broth!
If i mention daddies in this house kids go mad coz they dont even want one!
Its just nice that some1 can see it from my POV as even family menbers believe his utter crap.

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