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PND - can I recover without DH support?

(21 Posts)
MrsMiggins Tue 03-May-05 09:17:20

Hi... have been on ADs for 5 weeks now and am seeing counsellor (or some assessor anyway) next week. I have written previous posts stating that DH doesnt believe I have PND and is being an absolute w@nker about it all. In fact I only have one friend I can talk to about how I'm feeling. I have parents and brother in same town but I just feel none of them believe me either. If you have a broken leg, people find it easy to sympathise and constantly ask how you are. With PND my family are just ignoring it. Anyway after a bad Friday night where I though DH was going to leave me, I have decided to go back to hiding my feelings and "cheer up" so that he can go back to feeling happy towards me. I'm putting all my faith in both the ADS and counselling to bring me through PND. Am I being naive? I read so many posts on which people say how wonderful their DHs are but mine is just awful.

fernzmal Tue 03-May-05 09:40:49

hi, mrsmiggins, just replied to your other post on me thread..
i havent really told my dh either but i expect he would be less than completely understanding. i think he would just say something like oh get on with life, you have a great dh and a beautiful child and a nice home etc etc what are you moaning about and pull yourself together. also he is quite religious and i am not, so he would blame it on that and say something like if i was more religious, then i wouldnt be depressed.
er, sorry but i dont seem to be helping you. anyway, good luck!! at least you're on ads now!!!!((hugs))

Toothache Tue 03-May-05 09:45:17

MrsMiggins - No real support from my DH and I managed to fight my way to recovery.... and go onto have another baby with no PND (as yet... she's 9mths old).

DH was good at being my shoulder to cry on when things were good and I didn't need the shoulder! But whenever I slumped and cried and cried he would shout at me. He would tell me I was selfish to be doing this to my family (yeah coz it was deliberate!). Instead of taking me in his amrs as I sobbed hysterically on the floor, he would just step over me with ds in his arms and sit in a another room... usually adding a "Get a grip" as he left the room and shut the door.

We are having major marriage problems at the moment and some of it is because I trully resent him for that. I hope I can forgive him.

But in answer to your question YES! You can do it without him.

fernzmal Tue 03-May-05 09:48:28

thank god toothache.
sorry mrsmiggins, didnt mean to hijack your thread.
hope you're alright

fernzmal Tue 03-May-05 09:49:06

actually toothache, your dh sounds incredibly like mine

Toothache Tue 03-May-05 09:55:55

He finally realised how ill I was, but only after I started to feel better and went to the GP. With my 2nd pregnancy I was not going to be caught out again. I spoke to my mw, HV and GP who were all on standby if it happened again. I didn't tell anyone else other than DH until ds was 18mths old.

I realised that DH would be absolutely no use to me if I plummeted into a depression again. In fact when I was pregnant and talking about the 'what ifs' he said "You better speak to the Doctor and get things sorted coz I don't want you doing that the family again"!! WTF???

Anyway, I did and I've been lucky this time.

fernzmal Tue 03-May-05 10:03:19

oh god what is it with these men..GGRRrrrr

MrsMiggins Tue 03-May-05 11:10:19

well you both make feel a little better. I have been thinking I was the only one with such a DH! The thing that gets me is that he always spends ages carefully researching computers/cars/holidays etc but wont even read any of the leaflets or books I have on PND. Having said that, one I read on Saturday did say that sometimes people cant deal with depression and it makes them aggressive and distant. This is just how my DH has been. The book said it can also drag your partner down too.

Looking back I realise I've been depressed since December and slowly bringing my DHs mood down too.

I have such low self esteem at the moment that I'm paranoid DH is having an affair (he stays away 1 or 2 nights a week as he commutes)

Toothache - your marriage sounds just like mine! I do believe that I will get better but what worries me is that I will then resent DH for not supporting me.
What makes matters worse is the isolation when friends & family dont seem to care either. I told my mum yesturday that I had decided to pretend all was OK for DH so we could get our marriage back on track, but she hasnt bothered ringing today to see how I am. I always thought we were close, so I must therefore conclude that she too is finding it hard to understand.

Fernzmal - I have read your reply on the other thread. People dont seek help because depression has such a stigma. I almost feel dirty or that Ive let my family down. My dad on hearing I've been referred for counselling too said he thinks people have too much counselling these days. "we never used to" I told the dr that I dont have anyone to talk to apart from the dr & 1 friend, which is why she is referring me so that I have more support. When I told my parents, my mum just said "you've got me to talk to" and my DH just said "suppose independant person may help"

ironically DH asked me why I spend so much time on mumsnet - for exactly this reason - to reach out to people & provide mutual support and make you realise you're not alone and you're not going mad !!

hugs to both Toothache and Fernzmal

Toothache Tue 03-May-05 11:46:18

MrsMiggins - My MUm was terrible to me when DH, in total desparation, phoned her and told her to come round to the house. When she arrived I had been crying for hours. I stopped when I heard she was coming.... frantically trying to put makeup on to cover the swollen eyes! The guilt and the need to show people that I wasn't a failure took over all reasoning.
When she arrived she told me to get a hold of myself. She said it was ridiculous that I was falling to pieces when I had a loving DH there for me which is more than she had!!! I was fuming, and screamed and screamed at her to get out of my house (exact words were Fuck off I think.... its all a blur).

Only when I got drunk with her one night did she start to realise how bad I was and that I had been considering suicide for long time. I gave her leaflets that I read out to her to force her to listen.

I am very open to everyone now about what I went through. I don't see it as anything to be ashamed of now. I want to shout from the rooftops that I DID IT!!!! And I see it is as an illness that I recovered from. I still have bad days, I think the fear of it happening again makes you lose perspective. My HV had to keep telling me after dd was born that my feelings and reactions were totally normal.... and not the symptoms of deep deep depression again. I had to learn that its ok to cry and it's ok to sometimes feel out of control. This happens to everyone. And it doesn't mean I'm ill again.

I really hope you can both come through this with a positive view on what you have overcome! It's something to be proud of that you are admitting it and fighting it.... whether your DH's are pigs about it or not!

MrsMiggins Tue 03-May-05 11:55:11

good for you Toothache - you sound very positive which I'm sure gives a lot of people hope.

Why is that people think if you have it all theres no reason to have PND?
I read its a chemical imbalance which to be honest my parents have latched onto - that seems easier for them to deal with.

My one friend who is helping me said that lack of support is a common cause of PND. I think thats why I didnt have it with DS. Onlt one baby to deal with and DH worked nearer to home. Now he never gets home before 8pm or doesnt come home at all. My parents too have helped less this time - when I had DS, he was only grandchild. Now between my brother & myself we have 4 under 3 !!! Coupled with the fact I can do the parenting part, I have had less support than SIL who needed physical support so everyone rallied round her.

I WILL beat this though as I know the person I am at the moment it not me. Why cant anyone else see that?

fernzmal Wed 04-May-05 14:49:42

hi all...
i have to report that i chickened out of seeing the doc's/will try tomorrow... ...i feel so silly and i think people wont accept or help me...i have told one (gay) friend and firstly he said "i dont think you are clinically depressed" secondly he said "i think you can do this without the meds" .
People really dont realise that depression is not a 'mood' or 'frame of mind' (am I saying this correctly?). It's a chemical imbalance as rightly pointed out, and I HAVE NO CONTROL OVER IT. How can dh expect me to snap out of it automatically???I am just so angry and bitter and upset and hurt.i feel like people think i'm just feeling this way if I LIKE BEING SUICIDAL. WTF

i have a really good friend whose bloody dh is a psychiatrist for gods sake. i get the feeling that SHE is extremely depressed, she keeps sending out signals like she needs help but she hasnt spelt it out yet. i am waiting for it. she has twins and is a sahm and has a live-in nany but the twins are a handful and he has not been supportive at all, and refuses to participate in their bringing-up, feeding, nappy-changing, etc (he even moved out into the spare bedroom because they were waking up at nite..she calls it the cop-out room) and i get the feeling she is going to blow a fuse at any minute. and he is a psychiatrist. makes me feel *&^%


MrsMiggins Wed 04-May-05 16:11:34

Hi fernzmal
I can understand why you havent been to the dr BUT you should go.
Your friend who says you're not depressed is not an expert.
Yes, you may be able to do it with ADs but surely that is for the dr to assess?

I feel for you 100% because everything you say is exactly like me. You cant help feeling like this; do people think you dont tell yourself every day to "pull yourself together"; you're not deliberately being miserable.
It makes me so angry for you and for me.

Please go to the dr and talk to him. You must do this for yourself. Ignore everyone else.

As I said yesturday, rightly or wrongly, for now I have decided to go back to how I was and try to put a brave face on things. KNowing I'm having counselling next week is keeping me going - that and the fact I am concerned DH will leave me. I take comfort in Toothaches posts and that she too didnt have any support but has come through.
I do worry that on the other side I will resent my DH but maybe I will be in a better calmer frame of mind to deal with that then.

Hope you find the strength to go to dr - will ask you tomorrow !!

In the meantime, my email is

fernzmal Sat 07-May-05 08:43:42

hi mrsmiggins, sorry, was off work til today and internet aint workin at home...
did go to my gp in the end..he was shocked when i told him, he said he would never have guessed because i seemed such a rational and collected person..he was so so supportive tho and told me to get support of family and dh..i broke down in tears ..

anyway he referred me to a psych

but gave me xanax in the interim.

i havent taken it yet, because somebody said it could be addictive..what do i do?

Janos Sun 08-May-05 10:35:45

Oh no, MrsMiggins how terrible fpr you to be going through this and not have the support of your DH. I'm recovering from PND myself and I know how devastating it can be - not to have the support and care of your DH must be very hard.

How much support (practicl and emotional) do you have from friends/family, health professionals etc? Sorry if you've already answered this, haven't read all the way through.

Janos Sun 08-May-05 10:42:45

Having read through this thread I just wanted to sned ((((hugs)))) to you all.

fernzmal Tue 10-May-05 04:00:58

hi mrsmiggins,
how are you ? hope everything is ok...
have got appointment to see psych this friday...dont know if i'm nervous. dont know what to expect.
take care.. (HUGS)

MrsMiggins Tue 10-May-05 07:51:37

hi fernzmal

been away for long weekend with DH & kids. Very relaxing although DH still managed to stay in bed every morning while I got up with kids
back to normal again - DH away tonight with work.

tried to talk to DH while away but he didnt seem that interested....not in an uncaring sort of way, I just dont think he knows what to say. I think he just thinks I dont like him working away (which I dont) but thats not the whole issue. A good friend of mine printed off loads of info for my family to read but my DH & parents dont think they need to read it.

glad to hear you went to dr and have been referred for counselling. I too am waiting for an appointment to see a counsellor. I feel apprehensive too but also relieved to have someone to talk to. My dr says I need support seeing as I'm not getting it from family.

dont get me wrong, my family are v close & loving but they just dont seem to be able to deal with PND and although people ask how I'm feeling, they dont want to discuss things deeply.

are you taking your ads now? I think you should...from what I've read most ads are not addictive but you have to come off slowly. I think mine are helping although I still feel down but dont cry as much.

Pagan Fri 13-May-05 10:33:32

Mrs M your DH sounds just like mine. Especially the researching holidays and gadgets on the web. Yesterday I emailed him at work to ask him that I'd really appreciate it if he came home early as possible to help. I have real difficulty sleeping at night. It's not just that DS wakes 2-3 times but I just can't get to sleep despite being totally knackered. Yesterday DD was really girny and DS b/f for 2 hours constant at one point so I couldn't cuddle DD. I'm also trying to finish a uni project (god how I wish that was over). He did phone and he did come home early although his idea of watching the kids to let me get on with other things is to let DS wail until he falls asleep whilst he puts up a set of shelves in the garage.

I've not even suggested to him that I might have PND coz it just wouldn't wash with him and I'd feel a whole lot worse. The only thing that has cheered me slightly was a chat with my niece who has a one year old and was always the happiest, most laid back person you could imagine. But PND strikes anyone and she has it and is on ADs. It made me feel slightly less guilty about not feeling myself. I don't want to go to the docs for ADs. Reading other threads and knowing other people who have been on them, they don't seem like a quick fix and for me, don't seem worth the hassle. I was prescribed them once before years ago after a particualy fraught period of my life. I hated them, they didn't work and I had wanted to see a counsellor instead. Couldn't afford one at the time and was trying for an NHS one but in the end I never got to see a counsellor. Stopped taking the ADs and just gritted my teeth and got on with it.

I probably would benefit greatly from seeing a counsellor but heck knows when I could fit it in and my DH would think I was loopy if I did.

The comments from Toothache I find inspiring and again I shall grit my teeth and get through this.

MrsMiggins Wed 18-May-05 10:42:41

just had to say that I've started to feel better. I do feel like this fog in my head has lifted. Yes I still have bad times but not all day every day. i even understand why people think they can come off ADs quickly as I'm beginning to feel I dont need them. Going back to work in 2 weeks time & feel quite positive.

only downer is DH - thats still no better (if not worse) but I think thats a different issue and not necessarily a symptom of my pnd

so there is hope & you can start to feel more normal

throckenholt Wed 18-May-05 11:20:50

glad you are feeling a bit better.

But it sounds like you and DH need to sit down and work out what is important in your lives. It sounds like your DH's job makes it very difficult to have a good family life - and maybe you all need to consider either moving nearer to his work or him changing jobs.

fernzmal Sat 21-May-05 08:56:25

hi mrsmiggins,
how are you?
sounds like you're feeling a bit better?
cancelled the dr's appointment again, but finally managed to go yesterday...he was extremely good...funny..managed to bring a smile to my teary, red-eyed face...he gave me lexapro which was supposed to take last night..but chickened out...anyone have any experiences with it?
will see him again in 2 weeks time...

i also feel i am slowly gaining ground with dh...had a very long, honest, teary talk with him and he is now extremely supportive...he knows i am seeing a psych and he has been very nice to me since the talk..altho i havent quite got the courage to tell him what's triggered my depression yet (him and his mother).

how are the ADS? which brand did they give you?

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