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more bad days than good

(22 Posts)
misdee Sun 01-May-05 22:44:39

i'm sitting here crying again. all i seem to do these days is cry. i dont know if the stresses of my life or if i am suffering PND again. Everythijg is getting to me, the fact that dd3 now has infected eczema despite doing everything i could to try and prevent it. dd1 would rather spend time with grandma atm. at least dd2 wants to be with me. all i do is shout at the kids, then feel guilty as hell. When dh is home we end up rowing as he is feeling bad as he cant help and i feel run down as i have him to look after as well. just want to be normal if that exsists. why my family?

coppertop Sun 01-May-05 22:47:35

Misdee. I wish I had some advice to offer. You've been having such a tough time that it's no wonder you are feeling so stressed. xx

misdee Sun 01-May-05 22:52:39

no-one can help. just got to wait for some poor person to die. its fucking morbid.

Gobbledigook Sun 01-May-05 22:53:00

Misdee - you most certainly do not sound to me like a bad mother, you sound like an absolutely amazing woman doing amazingly well under what must be very stressful circumstances.

Don't beat yourself up - you've got 3 children, one still a tiny baby and husband you love going through incredible difficulty - many would crumble in your situation.

However, crying is perfectly OK and it's good to release the tension so just go ahead and have a good cry if you need to. Have my shoulder, I don't mind it soggy

You are amazing, strong and wonderful and you have 3 beautiful little girls - you'll get through this.

xxx

misdee Sun 01-May-05 22:58:17

its hitting me hard tonight how bad things are. everyone thinks i'm holding iot together, and that after the tranplant it willl be all plain sailing. no it wont. our lives have changed foever, we're never going to be able to relax and enjoy life, any sign of rejection and it could all go downhill. his liver and kidneys are already under strain atm, we hope they wont be permantly damaged. i dont want to get know nurses by name, dont want to be a regular visitor and the people in the canteen to know us. dont want to make that sodding journey down the M25 anymore.

Gobbledigook Sun 01-May-05 23:00:39

I don't know what to say Misdee except I'm thinking of you and I think you are amazing - I can't really imagine what you are going through.

xx

sparklymieow Sun 01-May-05 23:00:47

awww babe.... why didn't you say something when you were here earlier...

misdee Sun 01-May-05 23:01:55

just feeling it now m. hate the evenings.

sparklymieow Sun 01-May-05 23:05:09

I know, I know, evenings are when I do my thinking too, read a book, have a bath, relax, listen to some music, just don't think...

misdee Sun 01-May-05 23:08:31

i got scared last night, i swear someone rang by doorbell at 3am. if dh was here i'd ask him if i was imagining it. but its just me and the kids. i'd be useless atdefending myself and the kids.

sparklymieow Sun 01-May-05 23:09:07

wanna borrow Max...??

misdee Sun 01-May-05 23:09:51

maybe. but dd2 chases him too much.

sparklymieow Sun 01-May-05 23:11:28

what about just at night...???

misdee Sun 01-May-05 23:12:20

would he bark?

sparklymieow Sun 01-May-05 23:12:52

he barks at Dh when he comes into the bedroom after me...

Aimsmum Sun 01-May-05 23:15:25

Message withdrawn

misdee Sun 01-May-05 23:15:31

then yes. but if the kids start wheezing then i'll have to say no. dads going to fit some lights outside for me (no doubt the local kids will just chuck stones at them tho). really want an alarm.

off to bed in a bit, dd3 is stirring for last feed.

sparklymieow Sun 01-May-05 23:16:30

ok...

misdee Sun 01-May-05 23:20:44

please dont keep saying how strong/amazing i am, cos i'm not. i'm just tryiong to cope the best i can. i think anyone else would be the same. in fact i'm completely useless mopst days and struggle to do simple things like get my dd to school. havent even managed to sort out getting help for dh and an assessment for adaptations to be done. i havent done dh ebay stuff which was meant to be all sent on weds. its not even sorted out yet. i'm pretty useless.

Aimsmum Sun 01-May-05 23:34:03

Message withdrawn

misdee Mon 02-May-05 08:22:04

dont mean to sound ungreateful, but when people repeatidly tell me 'you are strong/amazing' etc then i feel like i cant break down and have a good old sob about it, and that i cant scream/shout as everyone will think i'm weak. i'm absolutly shattered now, dd2 woke me up at 6.30 yelling that she had done a poo on the potty. i cleaned the potty, and put cbeebies on for her then went to lie back down (we live in a bungalow so she was in the next room), then she woke me up again about 7. i noticed she was covered in glitter. she had got hold of 5 pots of glitter,. and they were all poured out over the sofa. hoovered it all up, but am going to be finding glitter for years i'm sure. things like that make me realise how hardit is atm on my own. even an extra pair of eyes so ican sleep properly in the mornings would be fab, someone else to do the school run etc etc.

fostermum Mon 02-May-05 09:13:45

you have a damn good cry and scream girl,doesnt mean your weak at all,it takes more stength to know you need an outlet then to try and cope all the time,i regulary have a damn good howl,it helps me no end

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