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i wanted it all to end today

(59 Posts)
SoMessedUp Sat 30-Apr-05 22:44:19

after a terrible few days with me little one, and no afternoon naps in over 3 days, she is ratty and tetchy, however, my ability to handle her temper and wingyness is diluted when dp is around as i feel he is always judging my ability.

this afternoon after two unsuccesful attempts to get her to ahve a nap, i laid her on spare bed and laid next to her...i was calm and explaining that she 'must' sleep as she would feel better and be able to play once she'd had a nap(she's 2 BTW)
..she screamed, sobbed, and shouted for her dad at which point..i snapped..i shouted at her to shut up and she then became worse
dp came up the stairs and told me i was nasty and evil and then took her down stairs with him and made everything rosy agin!
i laid on the bed and sobbed.
i dont know how i did it, but i was going through in my head, how many tablets to take, how could i get them without them seeing me?, should i stay in house or go out so dd didnt see me?
am really tired and feel i am on the edge and i know this is not where i should be saying this, but i cant tell anyone in rl as they all think i manage and dont want anything to happen to me and dd.

colditz Sat 30-Apr-05 22:46:51

Mate, you must get some time to yourself! Go out, look after yourself.

Until you look after yourself you can't look after yourself.

colditz Sat 30-Apr-05 22:47:54

I mean until you look after yourself, you can't look fter anyone else.

It's very easy for Daddies to make everything better isn't it!

Maybean Sat 30-Apr-05 22:50:52

Are you still there so messed up?

velcrobott Sat 30-Apr-05 22:52:24

What about calling a helpline? Like the samaritans?
DO you often feel like this? Could you be depressed?
I can relate to your afternoon situation... it has happened to me... it can happen to anyone but if it is frequent maybe you need to talk to someone?

SoMessedUp Sat 30-Apr-05 22:52:55

yeah, he does the fun things and i do the everyday stuff

its him, if he has a winge or is being an arse, he puts me in a bad mood or sends me spiralling down for the full day..maybe longer

i am on AD's, but sometimes i feel so unbelievably low, i want to go to sleep and never wake up.
but i love her so much, i just find it all too hard

Fran1 Sat 30-Apr-05 22:54:43

Oh i'm sorry to hear how sad you're feeling.

If you really feel like ending it all, you MUST speak to your GP, and also you should tell dp so he is more understanding.

I kind of know where you are coming from with regards to losing patience with 2yr old and then "daddy" making it all rosy. My dd is such a daddy's girl that when he is around he has to do everything - feed her, take her to toilet, help her into chair, push the buggy etc etc. At times if even walk towards her to play she physically puts her hand up and says go away mummy. I try to ignore it telling myself its a phase, and if i make a fuss it'll give her attention (what she wants) and continue doing it.

Some days i laugh and think oh well i'll enjoy time to myself.

But when i've had an exhausting day doing everything for her, then daddy walks thru the door and i'm shoved out its really really hard, i have a quiet cry sometimes.

I've also done the putting to bed thing - shouted screamed, then dp came and told me off and swanned off with dd. We had big discussion afterwards and dp has been much more sensitive to backing me up rather than playing the "goodie".

I explained to him that part of my anger which i unfortunately directed towards dd was actually frustration with him and the fact that he did all the "nice" things and i was always the baddie. I asked for his support.

D'you think something similar is happening with you? You're feeling you are the only one offering discipline and routine and therefore get wound up.

Whatever the prob you really should speak to your dp and try and get some more support. You are only human, and if you're feeling like this you NEED support.

Sorry i have waffled, hope it is of some help to you!
Take care xx

Maybean Sat 30-Apr-05 23:00:13

Maybe you are just reading - or at least pick this up another day.

You say that you don't want to tell anyone because they think you manage and don't want anything to happen to you or dd, but doesn't the fact that you are here now, having the thoughts that you are, prove that something IS going to happen to you and dd, in the saddest way.

You are very tired and that is why things seem so bad, but you mmust do one of the bravest things you will ever have to do and admit thjat right now you can't manage. This DOES Not mean you have failed, it is a little blip. But by admitting there is a problem then you give people the opportunity to help you, to help you catch up on your sleep if nothing else, then things will start to look better again.
Good luck

SoMessedUp Sat 30-Apr-05 23:00:52

thanks, but we dont 'talk' much anymore.
he was better when i eventually came down and seemed to have realised what hed done and kept telling her, she had to do what 'mummy says'.
but...it only takes one word, one look from him and thats me gone
i hate being so dependant on acceptance but i feel so much like a waste of time.
when i was in a state this afternoon all i could think about when i was calming down was soeaking to you lot on here!
i dont have any really good friends and dont feel i can talk to my mother as she always brushes things under the carpet

SoMessedUp Sat 30-Apr-05 23:01:59

what do you mean maybean? in the saddest way??that i will have her taken from me??

Maybean Sat 30-Apr-05 23:03:17

See you Health Visitor and ask her to put you in touch with Mums and Tots groups in your area, a good way to make friends.

Maybean Sat 30-Apr-05 23:04:38

Of course not! I mean if you take the pills and they work then you will not be around to see her on her big days in her life.

SoMessedUp Sat 30-Apr-05 23:06:46

oh sorry, thats whats in my head and i automatically thought that.

i do go to m&t group and have a friend from there, but nothing close, we do help eachother out for the odd hour, but i dont have anyone i can be myself with, to be honest i dont think even i know who that is anymore?im so busy trying to please everyone and pleasing no one that i forget about me

SoMessedUp Sat 30-Apr-05 23:10:14

im getting pressure about returning to work, pressure about how i bring up dd, pressure about 'keeping' the house..i feel like a little girl and want it all to go away

Maybean Sat 30-Apr-05 23:10:43

The best advice ever given to me, by lots of different sources, was that you have to put yourself first otherwise you don't have the resources to look after a baby. It's wise words.

SoMessedUp Sat 30-Apr-05 23:11:53

dp's been sat near me all night and hasnt even noticed im writing this
he's just gone to bed and i can here him snoring peacefully.

Maybean Sat 30-Apr-05 23:18:05

Sounds familiar! I don't think there's many mums who really mangage to juggle it all! (The ones who look like they do uisually have an army of paid and unpaid workers!)

Approaching a professional; for help does not mean you will have dd taken away from you. They will have come accross many a mum who has been having difficulties and are in a far better postion to be able to help and advise tahn I can - especially cosidering I'm on the net and if my typing skills are anything to go by!

Maybean Sat 30-Apr-05 23:19:33

My dh bit miffed i'm still taping away - but tough!

SoMessedUp Sat 30-Apr-05 23:22:59

thankyou
i just dont feel i can keep doing this, i feel worthless to my friends and family and they only want me when thay want something and because im so laid back normally i get walked all over.
i used to be confident and happy and had lots of friends but somehow, its all gone and im this pathetic shadow of the former me.
i just dont know what to do, im so unhappy and feel so low about myself and my life and the fact i have ^no one^ in rl to tell this too makes me very sad

SoMessedUp Sat 30-Apr-05 23:25:35

sorry, theres such a sad thread going on, i feel like a heal going on about my trivial problems.
thanks for talking to me

Maybean Sat 30-Apr-05 23:26:21

Not going to be able to fob dh off for much longer. Have reached a compromise and said that I will come offline at twenty to if you've said nothing more. If i do do that then I will come back in the morning and see how you are doing. Here is the number for the postnatal depression line - 02073860868. PLease give it a go as it is probably staffed by people who have been where youb are now and really will know how to help.

Maybean Sat 30-Apr-05 23:28:15

Being sad and needing help are not trivial. Remeber I am talking to you because I choose to so don't feel guilty!

Maybean Sat 30-Apr-05 23:29:39

And now I'm really trying my comp skills - here is a to try and make you feel a little beter. Did I do it right!?

Maybean Sat 30-Apr-05 23:30:29

Oh look - it did!

SoMessedUp Sat 30-Apr-05 23:30:39

thanks.
and im sorry for keeping you up.
please go to bed and have a cuddle with you dh.
you are a lovely person.thanks for listening and for the number

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