Scared Antenatal Depression is kicking in again

[Flamesparrow]

I have been expecting it. Not "waiting for it" exactly, but knew my odds were fairly high (have had it with both the others).

That familiar feeling is back - wanting to cry, being convinced I am a terrible person, everyone hates me and would be better off without me, lethargic - so much to get done, important stuff and I am sat here scrolling through threads with DS sat in front of Toy Story.

I'm frightened.

I don't want to do this again.

My friends are going through enough of their own crap without me whinging on them, and ideally they could use support but I just don't have it in me.

I can get through this without ADs, I have done it twice before, but that black bit before I start to beat it is just so black. I am already chucking medication into this child, I really don't want to add any more to the mix.

There is nothing any of you can do, but I need to get it out and said or it will build up even more.

Trying to kick myself out of it to get stuff done.

[blissa]

Hi flamesparrow, sorry to hear how you are feeling. Just wanted you to know that I have read your post and am here to listen if you need

[Cranberry]

Sorry your feeling down Flamesparrow.

I had PND with DS1, finally went on AD's when he was 18mths. My DS2 will be 2 next month saw my Dr yesterday who said I NEED to go back on my AD's.

I really should have gone down sooner, scored really high on the test and feel so unwell now, I get lots and lots on physical symptoms. I'm going to start them tomorrow morning and to be honest now the Dr has said "this is what you need, it just happens to some people" I can't wait to get the next 2 weeks over and start to feel myself again.

They worked really well for me last time, I was only on them 9 months so have every confidance they will help this time.

[Flamesparrow]

Thank you for the replies.

It is only 25 weeks I need to get through without them - I am lucky in that it disappears as soon as the small child is out of me iyswim.

Talking about it has released a lot. I have had a cry (not abnormal for me at the moment ), and have actually done a bit of work (). DS is very very quiet with Toy Story so he may have fallen asleep

[TrillianAstra]

Only 25 weeks to go - you've done it before so logically you know you can get through it again, and better this time because you know what to expect and what to look out for.

[Hangingbellyofbabylon]

Oy flame!! text me please. I'm having a fairly good week and am here for you. I'm drugged up to the eye-balls on sertraline so feeling ok at the moment . However, also knackered and dd is doing the dvd thing to except in my girly household it's the dreaded 'how to be a ballerina'.. You can come over and we can commiserate, we both knew this would creep up on us and luckily we both know that it disappears when the small person leaves the womb. I think some treatment would help you feel better too so let me know if I can help.

I have a big family picnic tomorrow and meant to have gone to supermarket but have spent the whole day on the settee on here and FB and am so lucky dd is just bumbling around being fairly good. At the moment I don't have the energy to even think about picking up dd1 from school but inevitably I will. Haven't forgotten to pick her up yet.

[blissa]

Oh bless him my ds loves Toy Story!

I know you said you can't really talk to your friends at the moment but is there anyone else you can talk to, your dp/h or midwife? Do they offer councelling for AND?

[NorkyButNice]

We've not really spoken about this kind of thing Flame, but I've read your posts (yes, stalker alert) and empathised... I think hyper-emesis and AND must go hand in hand for so many people, they certainly did for me. How could it not when you spend so much time feeling like death eh?

It sounds awful to say it, but I couldn't wait for pregnancy to be over - look forward to the next 25 weeks flying by and a healthy happy family at the end of it.

[Flamesparrow]

Have text you HBOB

The countdown of weeks is something I am clinging to atm. DH is fabulous - he knows how I feel, and is very good at picking up the soggy pieces of me.

I have no idea about if they offer counselling. I was doing OK on Weds (my last midwife appointment), it seems to have hit since Weds afternoon Will ask at my next appointment.

Norky - not stalkerish, it is really nice having someone care enough to "know" my story iyswim. I was so determined that this time was going to be my turn to glow. I am angry that I now want it to fly as fast as possible. I wanted to treasure my final pregnancy and I feel like it has been snatched away.

Then I go on to feel guilty that I am being dramatic about a bit of depression when people have horrendous outcomes of pregnancy and reasons to feel like this.

[BigBellasBeerBelly]

Hi there

I have been suffering a lot this pg with anxiety and depression, I was hoping it would lift when I went into my 2nd trimester (like the first time) but it didn't which which was a nasty shock.

In the end DH marched me to GP and I had a meeting with a mental health person the other day which was helpful. I had mentioned it to my midwife and the consultant at the hospital and they weren't interested, but the GP got me referred on. The lady I saw said they always take it v seriously if you are pregnant. Interesting then that two midwifes and consultant weren't interested at all (not really happy about that). Just saying don't expect them to pick up on it/do anything as IME they were pretty useless, more interested in baby than me IYSWIM.

Maybe GP is worth a try?

I've got 10 weeks to go and every day feels like about a million years, DD does not have a very fun/nice mummy at the moment and I feel so guilty. Like you I am clinging to the idea that it will stop once I get this baby out...

[Hangingbellyofbabylon]

Hi flame, got your text will reply later when my head is not so full of wiping pooey bums and getting reluctant children to calm down ready for bed. There is a maternity counselling service at poole, midwife can refer you although they don't like to for some reason, you might have to make a bit of a fuss. Do it now as there can be a waiting list. I found it really useful and it got me through the pregnancy with dd1. With dd2 I ended up on diazepam which wasn't really a pretty sight so probably counselling would have been a better option but with dd2 I wasn't even in the kind of place where I could see I would benefit from counselling. This time, so far so good apart from my little blip last week and the fact that I feel like feeding my two children to the lions most of the time

[Flamesparrow]

I feel like feeding mine to lions regardless of depression

I'll try and make an appointment with the Dr for next week. My midwife seems lovely, but you're right, she may not be the best person to talk to about this. I am now torn between seeing my "normal" GP though and just any random one. My normal one knows my history, but he also knows that I came off ADs before trying to conceive before he wanted me to and I am wary of an I told you so thing. But I know myself, and my AND is very different to my normal depression. I know that this will go the moment my baby is out, and that the normal depression won't kick back in until about 18 months/2 yrs down the line.

BBBB - I am sure that your DD will cope fine with grumpy mummy. Mine doesn't cope well with any instability and even she is handling very sick and crying mummy amazingly I am stunned at how resilient they are. DS just keeps asking why the baby makes me poorly and if we should take it out to make it stop.

[BigBellasBeerBelly]

It is the countdown which is key here - there is a fixed point at which is will end - and just that thought makes me feel better and was wonderful to hear the mental health woman saying that she was 99% sure it was pregnancy related... I was pretty sure but in the back of my mind I worried it was just me. It sounds like you know for sure it is though so that's a really positive thing - it will stop and you know when.

Thank you for saying about DD, she is nearly 2 and doesn't have much language yet so I can't really explain, but DH is very good with her and so she's not missing out on happy parenting all the time which makes me feel better.

I definitely think the GP is worth a shot - although if councilling is what you want and your GP is keen on meds then maybe it would be worthwhile seeing someone else. Or decide what you want and just say "please refer me for X" and just say you don't want drugs thank-you.

I really hope you can get something sorted, it's so miserable being like this, and it makes me sad to think that if we did want another I just think I wouldn't do it because of this.

Good luck

[Flamesparrow]

Yup, the good thing about having done this before is knowing my own mind and body so I can look at it objectively at times. I don't know if counselling would be any help or not tbh. If I am honest and talk either here or via blog, what difference does talking to a rl person make?

At the age of your DD I am sure she is fine, and won't even remember mummy being blue when she was tiny.

I am in a fighting mood today. I will get stuff done.

[BigBellasBeerBelly]

Good news flame go for it today, it always makes me feel so much better if I manage to get something done, even if it's just putting the washing on...

I suppose councelling would be in the flesh as well as just talking, and you would get to know each other. No harm in giving it a go I wouldn't have thought.

[Gentle]

Hello Flamesparrow, can I join your thread please? I am noticing some signs of depression - have been diagnosed with depression & PND before but never AND (although pretty sure I had that before, looking back).

I have great support in RL from midwife, friends & DH, but AND is new to me and it would be good to swap tips with someone currently in the same boat.

[Flamestorm]

the more the merrier (or not as the case may be )

I have been honest with DH now which is a big step. The plan is to see if we can get me off the anti-emetics and onto the ADs, going with the theory that he can help with sick me, but depressed me much less so iyswim.

Hope you're ok Gentle

[Gentle]

Thank you Flameperson! (Have you name changed or is it my eyes? )

Yeah I'm fine thanks for asking, just keeping half an eye on myself and seeing what advice might be out there if needs be.

Must be tough having to weigh up which meds are the best bet like that. Sounds like your DH is supportive, glad to hear.

[Flamestorm]

Lol yes, was in a foul mood and felt more stormy than sparrowy

DH is long suffering. When he met me I seemed fairly stable apparently but he has gone through normal depression with me on and off, and now 3 bouts of AND over the nearly 11 years we have been together Poor bloke deserves a knighthood tbh

[Gentle]

ah you must have a good relationship there though - 11 years? That doesn't happen by accident! Maybe he does deserve a knighthood, but you deserve a medal for courage yourself!

[Flamestorm]

We're just both too stubborn to let the other one go

[Flamestorm]

Yesterday was a good day - was all positive and convinced that I was just having a blip, but today it has all come crashing down again. I just want to curl up in bed and sleep for the day.

[TrillianAstra]

Poor you. You can and will get through this, you know that you are strong enough. It's just horrible when some days it's easy and other days it's so hard.

[Flamestorm]

Dude is spending close personal time with nick jr and rearranging my lounge it seems

Will take him for a drive after lunch see if he will sleep a bit for me. I have yoga tonight, and I have missed the peace I was getting from that, so hopefully I will come home all at one with the world

[TrillianAstra]

while no-one is looking

[Flamestorm]

Thank you