Really tired of this.

[sarzy]

Have been trying and failing to get pregnant for over five years. One failed ivf, one cancelled, high fsh, facing prem menopause, now need donor eggs, and I'm only 28.

I'm sick and tired of being the infertile one. I'm sick and tired of everyone else having their first, second and even third child while we're not even close to having one. I'm sick and tired of having to be happy for everyone else, when nobody every asks me how I'm feeling. I'm sick of feeling as if I don't count because I don't have a child. I can always work late, partner and I aren't a family, in fact I don't have a family, as someone kindly pointed out the other day.

Quite a lot of people know about our situation, but nobody seems to give a shit. Either people ignore it and talk about their own kids, or they make daft remarks such as, 'maybe we need to relax', 'maybe we should just adopt' or 'I can have one of their kids'. And this is from people who actually know the full story - one of whom is the bloody potential mother in law!

I've done the counselling thing, I've been on ADs for a few years, and while they do help, they can't solve the problem. I just feel so alone with this. I just read a post on the conception board where a woman who has been trying for longer than me says she never feels resentful of others' pregnancies, but I do. I don't want to feel this way but I do. So now I feel guilty on top of everything else. Marvellous!

I'm not really sure why I'm posting, I suppose I just needed to get it out of my system. I know not being able to have kids isn't the end of the world, there are far worse things that could happen, but that knowing that doesn't make my pain any less. It bloody hurts. And I'm tired of it.

[ETsmum]

Sarzy.....not sure what to say to make things better for you, but hugs. Think your post struck a chord with me as I'm 27 so we're a similar age. Can't imagine what it must be like to have been through all that you have. I really hope that things work out for you eventually. Sorry, don't know what else to say that might help.....

[zippy539]

Sorry, Sarzy. Nothing constructive to say except that I know, it is shit isn't it? Everything you have written makes complete sense to me. I now have a ds and a dd but before they arrived I went through four years of complete torture - unexplained infertility, months of agonised 'waiting' and 'well meaning' comments that hurt horribly. All I can say is that people find this situation incredibly difficult to deal with, they say things which seem insensitive but often it is well meant, and grounded in their own sense of embarrassment, if completely misguided.

This is going to sound a bit wanky but it sounds to me like you might be at a turning point in terms of acceptance of the situation. Have you had any counselling? How are you and your dp coping in terms of your relationship?

[vicdubya]

Sarzy

Do you post on the Fertility Friends website?

The site got me through a lot of bad times.

Unfortunately however well intentioned, a lot of people who have not experienced infertility do not understand how you feel. I don;t mean that nastily, but it's a bit of an "unless you've been there" type of thing. And they certainly don;t understand how traumatic the experience of going through treatment is.

Please don't despair...are you on a waiting list for donor eggs?

[zippy539]

Bump - cause I know someone else must be in a similar situation...

[calpopscalum]

Have you been onto www.carefertilityweb.co.uk - their bulletin board helped me through ICSI. Also AceBabes.co.uk cos although it's for people who have got children through IVF the girls on there have mostly been where you are right now and may help.

Feeling resentful is normal! You can't expect to stay happy all the time when you see everyone else getting what you so desperately want. Don't feel guilty for what is normal human nature. And when someone close to you says something hurtful to you, why don't you just quietly ask them how they think they've just made you feel. I did that once and my friend was shcocked as although she knew the situation, just asking her that made her realise she never actually stopped to think about my feelings. A few tears and a big chat and it was a bit better. No more insensitive comments from then on!

All I can say is that I totally empathise with you and wish you all the luck in the world for your future.

take care of yourself
Lesley xx

[feelingold]

I think that people say these stupid things purely because they do not know what to say. I found that when I was undergoing fertility treatment friends wanted to ask me aabout it but thought they might upset me if they did and therefore came out with these stupid comments instead. So I just told them straight about what was happening and said that I would rather they talked to me about it and I wouldn't just burst into tears if they did.
Everyone keeps telling you to be positive and patient but as you know this is definitely not how you feel most of the time and nothing I can say will help you right now. When I was at my lowest I used to tell my dh that if he wanted to go and be with someone who could give him children I would understand as I felt so stupid and inadequate that I could not do the one thing that the female species were put on this planet to do, have babies and I would reach a dark pit of despair, but everytime I got this low I was determined to get myself out of it and face another cycle of treatment as I was not going to give up on this cos I'm a fighter and it's not in my nature, but having this take over your life for years is hard and I wish you lots of luck and I hope you can find the strength to go on and get through all of this heartache and be strong.