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What will happen when I'm not pregnant any more?

(34 Posts)
fisil Wed 20-Apr-05 05:36:46

I was 26 weeks pg when I was diagnosed with depression and about 34 weeks when the ADs kicked in and I started to feel better.

But next week I might not be pg any more. When I was pg I knew that any thoughts I had about hurting myself were only thoughts cos I have no right to hurt dp's unborn child. But after he's born I could give him a good feed first so that he could be OK until someone came and found me. And dp is such a good parent.

Also, I've been able to blame it all on being pg up until now. But now I'll know that it's not that I can't cope cos I'm pg, but because I'm crap.

I know that everyone gets very tearful and emotional at the end of pg, and has times when they feel like this. But I've just had a night like I used to when I was first diagnosed, and it has reminded me that you can take happy drugs, and have 4 months off work, and then hey, I can cope with life! But when I actually have to enter the real world - which I will have to one day soon - then I just won't cope.

I know people here have been depressed during pg - how did you stop yourself afterwards?

suzywong Wed 20-Apr-05 05:51:42

fisil
sorry to hear you are feeling uncertain of the future

but please communicate this to your midwife, she will be able to reassure you and help you through the days ahead, MN is a great place for support but it is more important that someone with practical capabilities in RL is aware that you are feeling low.

HTH

marthamoo Wed 20-Apr-05 07:01:41

fisil, you need to tell someone (not just us) about how bad you are still feeling. You're right about "tearful and emotional" but what you are feeling is more than that. I wasn't depressed during pregnancy but I had PND afterwards with both my boys and I know how bad it can make you feel. Once your baby is born (you say he, do you know it's a boy?) you may feel better, or you may feel worse. The most cucial thing is to tell people how you are feeling - and get some help. It may be that you need differerent anti-depressants, counselling...there is help out there.

You have been strong enough to resist hurting yourself because you have "no right to hurt dp's unborn child". Now you need to hold on to that strength because your baby needs a Mum - and you are the only person on the planet who fits that category. Please tell someone how bad you are feeling - your midwife, your GP. You can't "stop yourself" from being depressed - you need help to get better.

I wish I could wave a magic wand and make it better - I remember those feelings so well. But you can and will feel better - and when you do you will remember thinking about suicide and realise that was the illness making you have those thoughts: it's not you. You are not crap, you are ill.

My thoughts are with you, fisil. This should be a happy time ( a fat, uncomfortable and with swollen ankles time, but still happy). Your baby is coming soon and he needs you - you need to get help so you can be there for him and begin to enjoy your life again.

Fio2 Wed 20-Apr-05 07:21:32

fisil, you poor thing. i know you dont want to hear that but I wanted to acknowledge your post as you always sound such a lovely person xx Marthmoo has given great advice as usual.

Your boys need their Mum no matter how good your husband is

Flossam Wed 20-Apr-05 07:33:05

Fisil, . It's horrible to feel like that. I don't know how things work with ante-natal depression, assuming thats what it is, I don't know if you feel better as soon as, or quickly after, you give birth, or whether it takes some time. To me, those thoughts don't sound like they are coming from someone who's depression is under control. Your midwife or GP will be able to a) inform you how quickly you can expect to feel better and b)increase your anti-depressants if possible.

I think I was quite miserable when I was pregnant, it wasn't a planned pregnancy and I couldn't get my head around having a baby. Once he was here though, he was the best thing ever, and of course still is. You say your DP is a wonderful dad, well, you'll have his support to help get you through this, which you will.

I just want to pick up on one thing before someone with more help comes along. You ask how you can stop yourself. Well, you can't. It isn't up to you. It is an illness which you won't have that much control over. You will either feel better (I really hope so), or you won't. If you don't then you will need more help. As a mum, you will need to put yourself first here in this aspect. Ask for help. Your midwife's will know that you have suffered this and will be keeping an extra close eye on you.

Please go and see your doctor today, this isn't good to be feeling this way. xxxxx

cab Wed 20-Apr-05 07:50:28

Fisil if you need someone to talk to please feel free to cat me and I'll send you my phone number.
It must be getting very close for you now. Look after yourself!! Would definitely ask the doc what to expect - would imagine the depression aint going to miraculously disappear?

logic Wed 20-Apr-05 07:57:35

Fisil, you will have your two children like you always wanted and they will adore you and need you for the rest of their lives. I think you should go back to your doctor and talk to him about this...

You are not crap. You coped with ds1!

As you know, I should have had a course of ADs but then found out that I was pg so I haven't had them and yes, I have had some very low points in this pregnancy so it hasn't gone away. What I am going to do is see the doctor when the baby is born and seek help.

Nemo1977 Wed 20-Apr-05 08:50:24

fisil i have severe depression following the birth of my son who is now 18mths. About the hurting yourself i didnt stop i even planned out my death etc. However I got help and still have it now and it sounds like you are going to need the same. The other thing I can honestly say is that the one thing that has kept me going is my son...he is innocent in the depression and i kept telling myself how horrible it would be for dh to have to tell him mummy didnt love him enough to stay around..she took the easier option...I know it doesnt seem easy but the fight against depression is a struggle. I hope u manage to fight it hun and if u want to talk feel free to cat me.

fisil Wed 20-Apr-05 11:27:49

Thank you people. I managed to sleep after I'd posted - but am still feeling very raw. Ds is at nursery and dp is here, so I can feel safe even if not better. My SW is coming round today - by chance. I had felt that I had no need for a SW, but I can see why I was allocated one now. And I happen to have an appointment with my psychiatric consultant tomorrow too. I have to remember to be brave and talk about how I was feeling during the night - I am so desperate to get better that I often act all bright and breezy and say everything is fine (and I can sometimes even kid myself too), but with my appointments today and tomorrow I will do my best. Maybe I should print out what I wrote in the night - so I remember how it really felt.

Thanks again. I know that nothing replaces face to face medical contact, but in the middle of the night it was a comfort to know that MN was here.

CountessDracula Wed 20-Apr-05 11:41:04

fisil

popsycal Wed 20-Apr-05 11:44:08

oh fisik
please do tell your sw and pstch how you feel
hugs
popsy xx

mummytosteven Wed 20-Apr-05 11:45:36

Hi Fisil. I'm glad that you've got appointments lined up today and tomorrow. I think I agree with Flossam that it sounds like your depression may not quite be under control - I hope though that it is just a one-off - I know I occasionally get the odd bad day, or two, or three- and worry that it's the depression coming back.

In terms of stopping myself afterwards. I was lucky in that I was about 50% better from the OCD, 75% better from the Depression by the time I gave birth, and I was just so busy, and that really distracted me. If I had been as I was before I started treatment, the "you are too busy for all that" line of thought wouldn't have really been valid - but because I was on the road to recovery, I think there was an element of truth in being busy helping ward off depression/anxiety. I did have some tough times at the start (had some very critical comments from some of the hospital MWs about how I was handling DS ), and problems with bfing.

What I think helped was a combination of:
1)continuing with the meds
2)having some private CBT with the guy I saw for my OCD
3)being absolutely shameless in getting visitors to help bottlefeed Ds
4)being in touch with a few other new mums from my ante-natal classes (one of whom I don't speak to anymore, one of whom is a really good friend).

I think you are a little different to me, in that you come across as rather an organised, if not to say slightly perfectionist sort of person, so I think it may appeal to you when you talk to the SW to start making plans" for how best to reduce stress/build in "me time for you after the birth. e.g. think through whether you can have a regular morning say a week when DH looks after the kids and you go out shopping/to the cinema etc, whether you could say go to an exercise class say with a creche to give you a bit of space from the kids, whether a relative/friend could look after one of the kids while you do something nice with the other - that sort of thing. Your SW might be able to come up with some good ideas as to what might be available locally - eg. SureStart classes/creches/pamper days, HomeStart volunteer who might say watch the kids while you grab a shower/do a bit of washing up, that sort of thing.

sorry for the ramble
and best of luck with the appointments.

Flossam Wed 20-Apr-05 11:46:14

Please report back to us and tell us how you got on? I for one will be wanting to hear that you told them the truth. Will that help to give you the courage to speak out do you think? Hugs to you. xx

Flumpette Wed 20-Apr-05 12:34:44

Hi. Thinking of you and hope this is of some help. I was elated when I found out that I was pg. The first few months were fine but then I became a really miserable, bad tempered old battleaxe. Normally I am an upbeat fun person. Once my baby was born I was elated and I snapped out of it very quickly. I was worried that I would get PND but I think I felt so trapped in my huge body (I put on 5 stone) and I could hardly do anything for myself that it just wore me down. I prayed for a baby and had IVF to have one and I couldn't believe how miserable I was in later pregnancy, so it may not be something that you suffer once the baby is born?

marthamoo Wed 20-Apr-05 15:42:36

Fisil, I'm really glad you have your support network in place. I know you know this but I'm going to say it anyway - be honest with your psychiatric consultant tomorrow. I found it so hard to tell my GP how I was feeling - before PND hit I had always thought of myself as a capable, in control person - the sort of person that others came to with problems. It was so alien to me to admit I was utterly out of my depth, couldn't cope - and - top and bottom of it - wanted to die because I thought everyone would be better off without me. If you think you won't be able to tell your Psych. consultant and make it clear how bad you were feeling then write it all down and just give them the piece of paper.

You're going to be OK. It's going to be hard - but it's going to be worth going through all this because you are going to have two beautiful children. Please post and let us know how you got on today with your SW - and tomorrow with the doctor.

berolina Wed 20-Apr-05 18:40:42

Oh fisil, sorry to hear you're having a low time. I'm afraid I've no advice to offer, just my thoughts and good wishes for you. You wrote me some really good and helpful posts when I was going mad with anxiety about my pg and I wish I could help you too. Take good care and let us know how you got on.

Pamina3 Thu 21-Apr-05 10:08:22

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Flossam Thu 21-Apr-05 10:15:52

How did you get on with the SW yesterday? Good luck for the psych today. Will be thinking of you.xx

aloha Thu 21-Apr-05 10:26:13

Oh Fisil, how awful for you to feel this bad. My heart goes out to you. I hope you were able to tell someone in RL just how depressed you are. Sometimes antenatal depression does go away after birth, but you can't bank on it, of course.
'Knowing' that you are 'crap' is a symptom of your illness, not a fact. And that's a fact!

aloha Thu 21-Apr-05 10:26:51

Oh Fisil, how awful for you to feel this bad. My heart goes out to you. I hope you were able to tell someone in RL just how depressed you are. Sometimes antenatal depression does go away after birth, but you can't bank on it, of course.
'Knowing' that you are 'crap' is a symptom of your illness, not a fact. And that's a fact!

fisil Thu 21-Apr-05 10:31:27

Thanks aloha (when I can get my head around it!).

SW went fine. He gave me some good suggestions for getting myself sorted workwise (which was what started me off feeling bad). I didn't tell him about the suicidal thoughts because dp was upstairs, and I feel that our relationship is such that he understands how I am feeling but doesn't need/want to know the details. I can't quite explain it, I don't feel I'm hiding anything from him. He knows what symptoms someone with depression has, and he asked me later in the day if I had just had a bad day? And when I said, "no, it was definitely depressive" he immediately understood, but asked no further. I will definitely tell the psych today, though - SW suggested some things that I seem to want to find out from him, and I think I will write some stuff down before I go.

Thanks again for helping me with this.

marthamoo Thu 21-Apr-05 10:54:46

Good luck today, fisil.

aloha Thu 21-Apr-05 11:11:57

Yes, good luck. You are a fantastic person and one day this illness will be over.

popsycal Thu 21-Apr-05 11:31:26

good luck fisil - been thinking of you,,

Flossam Thu 21-Apr-05 11:32:31

Please do tell the psych absolutely everything Fisil. I hope you are right about SW knowing what you think, but remember that they are people and can't read your mind literally. They won't be able to make an accurate assessment and therefore help you in the best possible way if you don't be very brave and tell all. Good luck. xx

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