A really stupid sounding problem but absolutely terrified of seeing my HV next week

[mummytosteven]

Had a lot of problems with my old HV - a real old dragon - told me when to put steven into his own room, when to wean him etc, and she was very critical - told me I wasn't an instinctive mother, told me I was lifting him off his playmat wrong etc. I got her down to brief monthly visits till the end of weaning, then she moved to another six months ago, and my new HV didn't get in touch with me - until today, wanting to do a home visit. I said no, I would bring s to clinic next week (next Monday)

i am bricking it now, feeling quite churned up about seeing the HV on Monday, as I am scared of more unwanted interference/criticism, and being forced into agreeing some more regular home visits.

could someone please tell me how to pull myself together, and just forget about it till Monday please!

[Marina]

Well you've done the right thing seeing the new HV on "neutral" territory and not in your own home. Because if this person is as nasty as the last, then you can politely leave yourself without having to ask someone to leave.
BUT remember there are some great ones about too...aren't there Mandy?
I do understand how you feel about the new meeting, but it is a different person this time round, and you are doing a fab job as Steven's mum

[bundle]

two hv's at my surgery were like chalk & cheese - one looked over your shoulder when she was supposed to be talking to, wrote in dd1's notes that i was doing mixed feeding when i wasn't etc, the other much younger one picked up on my distress when i was at a weighing clinic and visited me at home, fearing i had pnd, and we had a lovely chat. you can refuse visits if you want to, but i do hope that you "click" with this one..write some stuff down in case she is bossy too (like: I don't really appreciate you saying that, everyone has different ways of doing things and this is how I do it, etc)

[Titania]

hi hun. I can imagine you are petrified. I take it you spoke to the HV on the phone? Did she sound like your old one? Or was she wuite pleasant? I think that given your previous experience with HVs, you are bound to be worried. At least you are going to the clinic which should make you feel more in control at least. I don't know what to suggest, except just give her a chance. she might not be as bad as you think! They cant force you into home visits. its your home and they have no right to enter it without yout permission.

[FastasleepTheInsomniac]

You're a great mum! The Health Visitors are only there to advise you and you can tell them to shove it and not to come to your house because it's your right! And I bet the new one won't be half as bad

[Titania]

And BTW....when I saw you and steven on friday I didnt see ANYTHING to suggest that you are anything but a perfect mother....he is totally gorgeous, perfectly happy and contented. You are a great mummy. dont let anyone tell you any different.

[PuffTheMagicDragon]

No wonder you feel like you do mts, the last one sounded horrendous!

I think you are right to have said no to the new one doing a home visit, after the last one was frankly abusive to you in your own home.

If it were me, the issues about the previous HV would be churning around a lot in my head and getting in the way of what could be a fresh start. I'd probably write all my grievances down (how I was treated, spoken to etc) and then when I met the new HV, go through them with her and make it clear that I will not be treated like that again by anyone.

Why did the new one want to do a home visit anyway? It seems unnecessary to me.

Good luck .

[Blackduck]

Agree with Fastasleep they are there to ADVISE you, and unless you are doing something that is detrimental to the childs health they should support, not critise. Mine were great, but did get fed up of them trailing through the house every thirty seconds (or so it felt at the time...)

[aloha]

You don't have to see her at all! How old is your ds? My dd - nine weeks - has never seen an HV since we were signed off after coming home from hospital.

[fisil]

Seems like the old one had far too much time on her hands too - mine visited my house maybe twice, the rest of the time it was at the surgery.

I think you are totally right to feel very wary of the appointment on Monday. Is honesty the best policy, explain straight away that you feel nervous and why? Or is it best to be very clear from the start how you expect the relationship should be (ie you'll ask for help when you need it, you'll see her at the surgery, you'll accept the advice that complements your parenting style), not by saying these things explicitly, but by just being clear in your head that this is what you want?

Obviously I don't know you, so can't judge what kind of parent you are, but if you are even half as good at mothering as you are at supporting Mumsnetters who are having tough times, then you are the best Mummy I know!

[mummytosteven]

Thanks everyone.

bit of background Aloha - DS is 13 months. problems with OCD/Depression when PG - so had the joy of weekly visits from HV for a few months. then got her down to monthly, with idea being that she would stop seeing me once S was weaned. then nothing happened for six months after HV's changed over.

[coppertop]

I know I'm always complaining about our HV but really they're not all a nightmare to deal with. Personality-wise our HV is a very nice person. Our problem is that she's not particularly useful.

You may be pleasantly surprised by the new HV. I would still stick to having just baby clinic visits rather than home visits as that's obviously what you feel most comfortable with. (If you look at my "Home visits" thread on the SN board you'll know that I dread them too ). Tbh though, I don't think there are many HVs who do a lot of home-visits unless the parents specifivally request them. We haven't had a HV home visit since ds2 was a newborn. He's now 2yrs old!

[Evesmama]

can i just say that you are one of the most helpful, kind and informative people on this site!
you are practically mothernature, you have that much mothering instinct!
and if anyone tells you different tell them to go float!!!!

most of us feel insecure about how we 'deal' with parenthood, but for someone in such a position gets her kicks from putting a new mum down, then she needs a kick up the arse and a reality check!!

you are fab and you're always they for everyone on this board...dont worry honey, im sure this one should be fine, if not, tell her in no uncertain terms, that this is your family and you are capable of making your own descision!!!

[dezziemum5]

New here but loving the type of support you give each other.
My children range from 22 in sep. 20 in oct. just 13. 12 in sep all boy's and a dd who's 1 on 30th
so I have had many HV some nice kind understanding women to a few dragons. One was so new to the job I felt sorry for her.
I hope monday goes well and try not to let it upset you.
Like the others have said your stevens mum you know him best and he will let you know if he thinks you should change anything.
I am sure you dont have to agree home visits only 8mth check everything else is done in clinic, also If you dont feel happy with this new one see if you have another one at a health centre near you. Its would be a shame for you not to have the support a good health visitor can give.

[WideWebWitch]

MTS, I was going to post that you don't need to see a hv too and even though you've said you had OCD/Depression ante natally, does it have to be the hv you see/get support from? Presumably you're getting other professional help? I think you should go, see what she's like and come and tell us and if she's rubbish, don't see her again. I had a terrible one 1st time round but this one, who I've only seen twice (after the midwives finished their visits) is really nice, has 2 children and I would call her if I needed to.

[mummytosteven]

www - I'm down to seeing a psychiatrist every six months - am 95% better now - so I don't think that I do particularly need more support wrt OCD/depression. When DS was born I was about 50% better, hence I suppose the need to keep an eye on DS and myself at that point.

fisil - difficulty with the honest approach is how do I do that without implicitly criticising one of her colleagues? i think I just have to try and appear as confident as possible (but difficult when you are quaking inside!!!). also I dread to think what dragon HV has put on my notes as well. part of the problem is that I feel to a degree "demonised" by the system following the way that dragon HV completely sapped my confidence- I know demonised is an exaggerated word, so I don't have a great deal of desire to have anything but the most glancing involvement with the HV system.

[Nemo1977]

MTS i wouldnt worry. She is prob just seeing how things are as they havent heard from u for a while..my hv does that. As someone else said you are free to leave the clinic if you dont want to continue your appointment. I know its difficult by try not to worry and if the hv mentions previous hv then just say you didnt get on too well as you felt criticised by her...thats not nasty just truthful. Am sure the new hv will be an improvement. And if not then u wont have to see her till next check at 18-24mths...then after that i think its age 3...lol so twice in next 2 yrs

[Mud]

don't go - you don't need to see a hv - if you're particularly bothered, put in writing to them how intrusive and offensive you found the old health visitor, and how her criticisms made you feel like a bad mother. Tell them that since you haven't seen a health visitor you've realised you're actually a damn good mother and they can all just go to blazes

oh I would be furious

[littlerach]

In defence of some nice HV's, like my current one, they do home visits if they feel it is beneficial to the family. Mine came out to see me when DD2 was born, also for a couple of other times, as she felt it was nicer tham me trailing up to the clinic.

Before we moved here, I never really knew my HV as no-one had bothered to make themselves known to me, although I was aware that there had been some restructuriong at the clinic. When I actually needed some help to get DD1 assessed it was quite hard, as no-one knew us, even though we were on the records.

It is hard to keep an open mind when you have had a bad experioence, but hopefully you will be pleasantly suprised!

[aloha]

MTS - even if you had depression there is still no way you can be forced to see a HV. But as others have said, the new one might be lovely and be a source of support and really useful information - you never know. If you think that sort of HV might be useful, then go. If you don't need it, then don't!

[mummytosteven]

hi all thanks for the help.

miraculously the new HV appears to be sensible and constructive without being overly intefering, so there wasn't anything to worry about.

[WideWebWitch]

Oh good!

[Evesmama]

thats good
are you feeling better now?

[Nemo1977]

MTS am glad she wasnt a witch like the other one

[mummytosteven]

yes, feeling better now, thanks, Evesmam. now just got to see if S turns a bit less yellow now! she said to come back if he goes more yellow and they will do a stool sample - sorry if TMI.

i've been looking on the internet tho and wonder if it's to do with diet - as kids can look yellow if they eat a lot of stuff with carotene (?) in, and it's not just carrots, it's also spinach (which I give DS quite a lot due to iron content coz of him being veggie!)

[Marina]

Great news