Ds2 was very much an un-planned baby.
My dh did not want any children.
Ds1 was the result of a late mini pill & ds2 was because of my IBS messing with my pill.
He came round to the idea of ds1, but did not ever want another child, especially not an un-planned one.
When I found out I was expecting ds2 I was shocked & scared of dh's reaction.
I knew I could never terminate the pregnancy & had to brave telling dh.
At first he did not appear to take it as bad as I imagined he would & thought things may be ok, but he showed no interest in the scans or baby as time went on & I ended up with bad ante natal depression as a result.
I got through the pregnancy by almost pretending it was not happening & hiding my bump under a long coat.
I am very ashamed to admit that I did not even like feeling his movements, as it reminded me that I was pregnant & that I was wrecking dh's life.
On the day he was born my dh was in the waiting room while I was going through the birth.
My Mum (who was with me) kept going along to up date him & he showed no interest at all.
When he eventually entered the room after the birth, he showed no emotion at all & only commented on how blue he was.
My dad asked him if he was a little moved by seeing his new ds & he answered "No"
He did not hold him all the time I was in the hospital with him & showed no interest in him at all.
When I left the hospital 3 days later, he was in a foul mood & I remember sitting in the attic on that 1st day home crying my eyes out about how bad things were.
He later admitted that taking ds2 home from the hospital was the second worse day of his life (the 1st being hid Dad dying)
He did eventually bond with ds2 & things kind of improved, but I was left with PND which stopped me bonding properly with ds for the first 6 months or so.
I confessed a lot to my HV, who put me on AD's & arranged for counselling.
I am over my PND now & we both love ds2 (now 2) to bits, but I am beating myself up with guilt about his sad, sad start to life.
I cannot watch any video of his newborn days without crying & feel terrible that his pregnancy & birth will always have bad memories.
I knew that the guilt would set in one day & it has.
He is very loved & very happy now, but this guilt is stopping me sleeping at night.
I love him lots, but sometimes I wish he hadn't been born because then I would not have these awful memories & this awful guilt that my poor newborn baby was rejected through no fault of his own.
Sorry for rambling.
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Mental health
Feel eaten away with guilt about ds2's sad start in life.
17 replies
blueteddy · 11/04/2005 17:22
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