Ds2 was very much an un-planned baby.
My dh did not want any children.
Ds1 was the result of a late mini pill & ds2 was because of my IBS messing with my pill.
He came round to the idea of ds1, but did not ever want another child, especially not an un-planned one.
When I found out I was expecting ds2 I was shocked & scared of dh's reaction.
I knew I could never terminate the pregnancy & had to brave telling dh.
At first he did not appear to take it as bad as I imagined he would & thought things may be ok, but he showed no interest in the scans or baby as time went on & I ended up with bad ante natal depression as a result.
I got through the pregnancy by almost pretending it was not happening & hiding my bump under a long coat.
I am very ashamed to admit that I did not even like feeling his movements, as it reminded me that I was pregnant & that I was wrecking dh's life.
On the day he was born my dh was in the waiting room while I was going through the birth.
My Mum (who was with me) kept going along to up date him & he showed no interest at all.
When he eventually entered the room after the birth, he showed no emotion at all & only commented on how blue he was.
My dad asked him if he was a little moved by seeing his new ds & he answered "No"
He did not hold him all the time I was in the hospital with him & showed no interest in him at all.
When I left the hospital 3 days later, he was in a foul mood & I remember sitting in the attic on that 1st day home crying my eyes out about how bad things were.
He later admitted that taking ds2 home from the hospital was the second worse day of his life (the 1st being hid Dad dying)
He did eventually bond with ds2 & things kind of improved, but I was left with PND which stopped me bonding properly with ds for the first 6 months or so.
I confessed a lot to my HV, who put me on AD's & arranged for counselling.
I am over my PND now & we both love ds2 (now 2) to bits, but I am beating myself up with guilt about his sad, sad start to life.
I cannot watch any video of his newborn days without crying & feel terrible that his pregnancy & birth will always have bad memories.
I knew that the guilt would set in one day & it has.
He is very loved & very happy now, but this guilt is stopping me sleeping at night.
I love him lots, but sometimes I wish he hadn't been born because then I would not have these awful memories & this awful guilt that my poor newborn baby was rejected through no fault of his own.
Sorry for rambling.
I think I started to feel even worse after watching that life before birth programme the other night, where they said about the un-born baby picking up on/being affected by the nothers anxiety.
I was anxious throughout the entire pregnancy, so goodness knows what that did to him.
Blueteddy, I don't think the mothers anxiety has that much of an effect, cos while I was pregnant my mother became mentally ill, and evicted me from her house. I was homeless until my baby was 6 months old, until then, I lived in homeless emergency accomadation.
And my baby was chilled out from the moment he was born.
Please don't beat yourself up about this now. I am sure you are a fantastic mum, if you weren't then you wouldn't even be thinking about your babies start in life.
How terribly sad, I feel nothing but deep sympathy for you, and I am sure if it were me I would be feeling just as awful and completely guilty. First things first, would more counselling help? I would have thought so. These feelings are obviously so strong, and not going to go away on their own. Perhaps you would benefit from professional help. I'm sure your gp or hv can put you in touch with the right people.
That aside, although I haven't been through your awful experience, I think you have to try very hard to see the positive side. You say that you are over your pnd now and you and your dh love him to bits. That's VERY positive. Your ds2 will be completely aware that you both love him and that is all that really matters. He won't have any memories of his start in life.
Please don't beat yourself up so much - awful memories are so very hard to forget, but you WILL, in time, and with some help. You have got through the worst time, and you're all still here. Enjoy your lovely children and your dh, and try hard to concentrate on the good stuff.
I hope I don't sound like I'm preaching! Don't mean to, I was just so deeply touched by your post and want to help. xx
The reasons I feel bad is because of the whole pregnancy thing & the fact that he did not get cuddled as much as he should have when he was tiny.
For some reason it is all really haunting me now & I have been awake since 4am this morning with every thing going round & round in my head.
I don't know weather to have a word with my HV about it.
I am sure there are alot of us out there that would have done it all differently if we could have had those first few months over again, I hated picking up my dd as as soon as I did she wanted to breastfeed and I felt totally overwhelmed by the whole experience anyway and felt it all too much, she certainly didn't get masses of cuddles early on but as others have said he won't remember it! You must concentrate on the here and now and put this in a room and close the door (recommended to me on a subject once) you do not need to revist this.