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IS IT ME?

(13 Posts)
lovemummy Mon 04-Apr-05 22:53:25

Have just had huge arguememt with dh and am feeling down and confused.
Quick background.Have a ds 4 and a dd 2.
Have been agrophobic for over a year now was on ad's but came off them as they made me feel numb and dh did'nt agree with me taking them.
Am currently seeing a CBT therapist for anxiety and am working through going out as it has become a problem now ds will be starting school in sept.
Have no support nearby my parents died a few years ago and mil lives away and is not very supportive physically or mentally.
Anyway the upshot of the arguement was because i informed my dh that my therapist and health visitor were coming round next week to discuss the situation and wanted to meet my dh
Unfortunatly he will be awy for a few days next week with work so i will be seeing them on my own.
When i told him about the visit he went mad and said there is no problem with ds it's me who has the F--king problem and that i am not a mother to my children because i can't take ds to school,i don't take them out,i don't look after the house,it's a shithole according to him,problems with ds potty training,delayed speech ,all down to me.
But the worse thing was when he said i have'nt grieved for my parents and that is the problem and went about shouting at me that "your mum and dad are dead" and to deal with it and face reality.He kept saying this over and over and saying just because you don'nt have a mum and dad don't make the rest of us suffer.
Followed by some choice name calling and when i broke down he shouted downstairs "where are you now with your blubbering" stop feeling sorry for yourself.
All this was alcohol induced which is another big problem and a whole new thread.
I am sitting here now going over things thinking i can't take this anymore.I feel i have no support apart from the therapist who is trying her best to help me and doctor and hv advising i go back on the ad's but my dh just does'nt think i need them and i am fine when most days i hate myself and think what a bad mother i am and him keep telling me that only confirms my thoughts.
I seem to be getting nowhere with the therapy as soon as i move forward my dh puts me back to square one again.
I am frightened to really tell the hv how i am feeling because of the children ,so every day is one long battle and putting on a act.
My niece is visiting tomorrow and am thinking i have got to hold it together when she comes round when i reeally just feel like sobbing my heart out.
When i talked to mil she just said your not deoressed, i had pnd and let me tell you you would'nt be able to function.
But that's the point i just exsist most days for my kids sake and force myself to do things when inside i feel scared for the future.

lucy5 Mon 04-Apr-05 22:57:09

No words of wisdom, just wanted to say hello and send you a cyber hug!

kid Mon 04-Apr-05 23:05:20

It sounds as though you need to tell your therapist everything you are going through. They are there to help you. Maybe they can visit again when your DH is there or postpone this visit?

I don't really know what else to say, but don't let your DH bully you, being a mum is a very hard job.
Where abouts do you live? There are loads of lovely mumsnetters that may be near you and might be able to offer some help.

lovemummy Mon 04-Apr-05 23:16:47

Thank you Lucy5 and Kid for your kind replys.
The therapist and hv said even if dh could,nt make the meeting they would still come to see me.
I know there are some mumsnetters in my area but feel so ashamed about my situation.
I keep saying to myself being a mother is a hard job but dh points out that other mum's manage why can't I .

mummytosteven Mon 04-Apr-05 23:25:04

lovemummy - I am getting so at how your husband is treating you. maybe you should tell your husband that other husbands don't hurl abuse when drunk at their wives and support them through their difficulties instead of adding to them.

if your GP thinks you should get back on the ADs then who in heaven is your DH to think you shouldn't take them - and he can't have it both ways - call you for being a bad mum and then say that you shouldn't be taking medication to let you get better.

if you find your HV supportive, please try and tell her as much as possible about what's going on, and let her know you need some support in standing up to your husband's bullying behaviour.

mummytosteven Mon 04-Apr-05 23:25:58

also there are plenty of mums on here and in the RL who had PND/Health Issues/Panic Attacks and even agoraphobia. Just because people don't talk about it much doesn't mean that other mums aren't suffering too.

jjash Mon 04-Apr-05 23:26:26

you have nothing to feel ashamed about ! I think that to get through each day must be taking you alot of strength .You should see your hv even with dp away - maybe you can discuss ways to get him to be more emotionally supportive .If you feel like anti depressives would work again then discuss that too.You know your mind/body best not your dp
dont mean to be harsh but i had anorexia years ago when i was with different partner to i am now and he was a huge part of holding me back in my recovery cos i tried to do what was best for everyone but me .
You deserve help , you deserve to enjoy your kids : you arent a bad mum at all .Take what help there is for you please .You sound tougher than you are giving your self credit for .

lovemummy Mon 04-Apr-05 23:41:12

Thank you mummytosteven you made a lot of sense.
I know i need to tell hv how i am really feeling
and about dh but feel i am betraying him by doing so.The medication is something i need to discuss with dh again as i know the hv will be bringing up the subject again and am unsure what to do.
I realise there must be other mums suffering like this to and wonder how they manage to deal with it.
Of course support goes a long way in helping someone to recover and just hope dh will meet with the hv another time to try and understand what i am going through.Maybe he needs to hear it from someone else.
I think my dh uses me to hurl abuse at when he is annoyed about something else,ie work,his family

hunkermunker Mon 04-Apr-05 23:47:29

Sweetheart, you're not betraying him by asking for help. He is betraying you by showing you so little respect. By asking for help for yourself, you will also be helping him - your DH's is not the behaviour of somebody who is happy.

You are strong, you just need a bit of help at the moment, that's all. We all need help with things at one time or another (I really hope that doesn't sound patronising, it definitely isn't meant to). You are NOT a bad mother, you are doing the very best you can in a shitty situation and your H and your MIL shouldn't be dragging you down all the time.

If your GP thinks you need to be back on ADs and you are happy with this, then take them. It's none of your H's business. Talk to your therapist and HV and see what ideas they have.

Big hugs to you, hun - don't beat yourself up about this, just get yourself better xxxxxx

lovemummy Mon 04-Apr-05 23:52:32

Thanks jjash for your kind words.I know what you mean about doing whats best for everyone but me ,then why do i feel so selfish?

lovemummy Tue 05-Apr-05 00:08:58

Thanks hunkermunker your words bought a lump to my throat.
I try to see it from his point of view that the situation must be getting him down as well.
I think he has been brought up to see asking for help as a sign of weakness and that I should just pull myself together.
I just feel like he is not listening to me ,but he says it's always all about me!!!!

kid Tue 05-Apr-05 13:10:21

I just wanted to mention, people may seem to be coping but behind closed doors, I'm sure everyone finds things hard at times.

So your DH says other mothers manage, he knows that for a fact does he? Everyone struggles at some point, its takes more strength to face up to the problem than to ignore it hoping it will sort itself out.

lovemummy Tue 05-Apr-05 17:22:41

Thanks kid for your response.I am feeling a bit more positive today and know i need to sit down with dh yet again and hope this time something can be resolved

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