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I just need to get it all out i guess.

(21 Posts)
itsajollyholidayformary Wed 21-Jan-09 22:02:48

I am a regular. Name-changed, mainly as there are a couple of people on here who might know who I am, or a nosey relative who knows my username who might be a bit bored from time time as does not know my DH lost his job yet.

I just feel like we are spiralling. We always seem to get ourselves sorted financially, just, then it goes all up in the air again.

DH has never been good at holding jobs down. He has a brilliant mind, has lots and lots of ideas, but is really really bad at being a yes person. He is also really shit at job applications as he has low confidence, largely as he is not a yes person so not always felt suited to working with arseholes. Unfortunately, as a student, he (and I) gained a lot of experience in customer service, and when we left uni with debts we both ended up in this area.

Luckily (well to be honest brutal determination) moved me away from this. I refused to be pigeonholed in a job I had not chosen and started a career. DH did not. He moved from job to job to job, periods of unemployment, where I, as my wage increased took the weight of this. We looked for jobs for him, both of us. He did voluntary work in a good area, we made some good contacts (and subsequently some good friends). We moved back to an area which we studied in but had moved away due to lack of opp (for me).
DHs father past away suddenly, an emotional upheaval. We bought a flat on my wage, with some support from his mother (a small deposit whicn meant we could buy).

We found out immediately after moving we were expecting our DD. She brought so much into our lives. DH got a shite but stable enougn job, we both worked hard. My mum became ill and died before DD was 6 months old. Hit me for six, but I picked myself up. DH and I got married, our finances were shit but better than they were.

Then in aug DH applied for the first 'proper job' for years, got it, worked his ass off. He was on double wage than before, still only part time so we had childcare sorted, with propects in the future to further himself. Things started looking up for us financially, we were in a financial position to look for a house, for a garden for our DD, and to think of another child. We decided to go for the second child at the beginning of this year, as even if we did not move, it would be soon enough to be ok.

Then, at the start of this year, almost to the day, DH went to his place of employment to find out he was fired, no reason, no reason needed as he was 5 months into probation period. Appears this was a planned action of theirs, they had no intention of keeping him longer than they had to (funding issues for charity).

He is down, really down. We are screwed financially. I am going to have to work full time (currently work 30 hours), I just do not know how we are going to cope.

Our flat is off the market. My contraceptive implant is out, but funnily enough our sex drive is low (esp as i now comes with additional extras so to speak). DD wont get her garden, might not get a brother or sister any time soon.

One of my friends has just sold her house to buy a bigger one, another has been given the money to buy an entire house! I wont say I am not jealous, as I am. But not because I want want they have, but because we were working towards those things ourselves and they are now not so close.

DH is not having much luck on the job front, we do not live in a prosperous area really in terms of jobs.

And, well for the first time emotionally, I feel like I am sinking. I have always been in control of my life, to an extent, of course not fully or else I would not be here right this second, would already have that big house and child no 2!!! but, I have been able to move forward slowly, with some hiccups. I just feel this is one more hiccup.

I feel like I am letting my daugther down. I should be progressing from where I was when I grew up, I work so hard, I should be able to provide for her. And right now I just feel like I am destined to be not much further than my own family were when I grew up. That it is not actually possible to climb.

I earn a really good wage. But it is just not good enough to sustain us. I managed to cope with my mother dying. Why does this feel so hard and unsolveable?
Sorry, that was exceptionally long. I just needed to talk.

naswm Wed 21-Jan-09 22:06:01

I have read your post

I am sorry tyo hear all about that, esp your mother

have you seen your GP? maybe some meds might help you gain a little bit of you back to face the uphill struggles a bit more easier?

itsajollyholidayformary Wed 21-Jan-09 22:13:40

maswm - thank you for getting to the end smile.

I haven;t seen my gp no. Well I have about my mother, both the gps were great. We spent lots of time talking and they both felt I was not depressed at the time, rather that it was normal grief, then my father died (but that was not so hard, as I did not really know him) and then I got married, they felt I was probably suffering from ptsd as I had serious insomnia, I had some meds for this for a short while, but stopped them as felt fine.

DD has been immense in terms of given me the positive slant on life. She has made me see life is good, my life is good. And I keep thinking that my life is still good. I have everything I need. I have a husband who I am lucky to have, who I love, who loves me. I have the happiest most perfect daughter anyone could possibly ask for. We have our own flat, which is more than many have. We have a good car, I have a relatively secure job.

I just feel like we are close to losing everyhing we have worked for. I wish we had not bought our flat, although I love it. Then, we might be in a position to buy a house, instead we have a flat which is not even in negative equity. NOONE here is buying.

Thing is, meds wont help though, will they? They wont help me get up for work in the morning to do my long days. They won't get DD a new job. They wont sort our finances out. I need a clear head to sort this mess out.

I just want to cry.

Notquitegrownup Wed 21-Jan-09 22:13:52

IAJH - no wonder you feel as if you have been hit for six. You have been through a real roller coaster, and clearly aren't at the end of the ride yet.

Can I just say, however, that your love for your dh and your dd shines through your post? However difficult the times you are going through, you have something very special to give your dd there. Of course a garden would be lovely and a little brother or sister might be an exciting possibility one day, but the fact remains that you have clearly achieved a lot so far, you have your flat (thank goodness you hadn't moved to the bigger house before finding out about dh's job) and you are clearly survivors who know how to work hard for what you have.

I do hope that as the shock of what has happened to your dh wears off, that you can come to terms with these fresh difficulties and hang on in there, together.

naswm Wed 21-Jan-09 22:16:02

meds wont change underlying thins, but they can sometimes help us to rise above just enough to get a grip on teh day to day stuff to manage the real big stuff

Keep talking, I am going to bed now, but I will check back HUGS

itsajollyholidayformary Wed 21-Jan-09 22:17:17

I just want someone to look after me and let me look after DD. And, I guess I feel selfish for that, because its my job to as I am the one in a position to do so.

naswm Wed 21-Jan-09 22:19:32

I can see you are really srugling wiht this HUG

itsajollyholidayformary Wed 21-Jan-09 22:22:27

Thanks Notquitegrowingup and naswm. We did say how lucky we were we had not sold the flat before christmas, it has been on the market since april and we had a house in mind. We would have absolutely lost everything if we had moved. We would have had no breathing space to have managed a month of no second income.

Your right, at least this way, we can almost cope on my wage. I just don't want to be a survivor. My mum was a survivor, I want to be more than that. And perhaps I am just coming to realise that I am not that special, that I do not have all the brains and skills and know-it-all that I had started to beleive I had. Otherwise I would be further on than this. I feel like an average jo in an average life, with, stragely enough, an extraordinary daughter who is amazing beyond words and astounds me that she is mine.

itsajollyholidayformary Wed 21-Jan-09 22:24:13

And sleep well naswm x

Notquitegrownup Wed 21-Jan-09 22:25:28

Oh X-posts. Your flat is the real burden to you then? Because it is holding you back, as a family from 'progressing' in the way that your friends have.

But this recession won't last for ever. As you say, you own it and have a reasonably secure job, so if you can ride out these difficult financial times, you will be able to sell it one day and move.

And in the meantime, do beware of looking at other families and thinking that they are happier than you are - however nice their houses. I was doing that when my ds1 was small and things were very difficult for us. Then one friend who particularly seemed to have life all sorted phoned up one night to say that she was in a refuge. Her dh had been using her as a punch bag for months, and honestly, we had nooooo idea.

HTH

<Hello NASW>

Notquitegrownup Wed 21-Jan-09 22:28:25

I haer what you are saying. Adjusting our expectations of where we are and where we are going is very very difficult. But your dd sounds gorgeous! I hope that she can sustain you whilst you come to terms with this.

itsajollyholidayformary Wed 21-Jan-09 22:30:49

notquite - no, its not the flat. I love my little flat. And it is not that my friends have more than me.

I just feel that we have hit a wall where there is no way out. DH is not working at probably one of the worst times to be out of work and its all on my shoulders to keep it going. My friends success is just a reminder of where we were going, and what we might lose. It just seems backwards.

And I do keep reminding myself how fortunate we are to have what we have. I feel that all the logic to it has gone out of the window and I want to curl up in my duvet and let DH sort it out. And feeling this way is not how I normally am, and even when my mother died I reasoned my emotions!

itsajollyholidayformary Wed 21-Jan-09 22:36:48

I think also to be honest, it is a lack of control that I am feeling. I was sure we would not be caught up in this whole recession. Its my just deserts eh though, to think I am invincible! I guess I am now losing some of my youth for good!

itsajollyholidayformary Wed 21-Jan-09 22:50:45

You know what I have just done... I read back through my posts and your reponses, then I had to put DD to bed, she has been a bit poorly over the last few days so her sleep is out of sync, so I went to get her some milk, and while I was out in the kitchen I heard her talking to 'mary poppins' which she has watched today for the millionth time. I looked at my walls, and my floor, and my microwave, and then I walked into the hallway and looked at the family photos, then back to get the milk, just stood there thinking, how stupid am I being? I am being really really spoilt, I cannot beleive how self-pitying I sound. And who else does not have it hard? Other people do not sit and cry about their shit, they just deal with it...
So, my down emotions...I am going to bury them into that place in the brain where shit goes....and tomorrow I am not going to pull a sicky as I was considering. I will go to work, and on friday I will help DH get a job, and I might take a couple days off next week and we can go do something as a family.

Thanks for helping me kick myself up the ass.

Notquitegrownup Thu 22-Jan-09 13:18:28

Oh itsajollyholiday you didn't sound selfpitying at all. I think that this recession is going to make a lot of people feel genuinely scared and out of control and I know that 'under the duvet' feeling well.

Your feelings are important (especially when you find yourself holding things together for your family) and you do need somewhere to sound off, like MN, where you won't be told to pull yourself together, but where you can be heard and be looked after for a while, until you feel strong enough to pick up the pieces again. It's just a shame we can't pop around with a casserole, and a home made cake for you, via the ether.

So I do hope that you feel genuinely stronger today and that if you do feel the need to come back and scream here, you will feel able to!

itsajollyholidayformary Thu 22-Jan-09 22:53:12

Thanks NQGU. Feel much better today, perhaps as it is my weekend. I do however have a stinking headache, and think I am coming down with something, so likely yesterday was the start of it and just made me feel so much worse.

I am spending some time with DH this evening, and I am off to bed in a mo, just thought I pop on and let you know feel bit better right this second.

Notquitegrownup Fri 23-Jan-09 09:16:04

Glad that you popped back. How is dh coping with his redundancy? It sounds as if the company/charity treated him badly building up expectations which they never intended to fulfill. It's awful that they can use people like that.

naswm Fri 23-Jan-09 11:57:42

Not been on for a couple of days. I am still trying to shake off my cold/cough virus and DS2 has been very unwel, and my pc is still not working properly

how are you anyway?

itsajollyholidayformary Sat 24-Jan-09 18:19:38

Hey, I am still here.

NQGU - DH is coping ok I guess. He is sort of burying his head in the sand to an extent, and has just heard that he is not entitled to contributions based benefits as he did not pay full contributions for the complete two year period that they looked at (the previous co he worked for did not pay sick pay, he worked part time, but paid NI, but meant that for the like two or three times in the two years he was off sick (talking probably 5-6 days most in total, he does not get sick often, it took him below contributions threshold for those weeks). That is a bit shit, although to be honest we were not really counting on it.

He just feels so kicked in the teeth to be honest. The co did treat him badly, they screwed around when he was there, hardly any supervision etc, and he thought it was due to a crap manager, turns out more likely they did not see the point in investing in him. If he had any idea, he would not have taken the job which is why it was so awful. His last job did not pay great, and had little prospects to be upwardly mobile but he was there for a while so was not going to be let go any time soon, he had some flexibility to work additional hours from time to time.

I feel better I guess. I just feel waves of positive, then spiralling downwardness, I drift of into a sort of I don't know, dark place I guess, the pit of stomach feels wobbly, and DH will ask me what is wrong. I can't tell him, its not his fault and he will feel so awful if he thinks I feel like this, or maybe even be annoyed that I am feeling like this when it is him who lost his job.

NASWM - sorry to hear you and family have been poorly. I hope you are feeling somewhat recovered today.

naswm Sun 25-Jan-09 18:46:29

How's things today itsa? (I am still coughing away but thankfully DS2 is doing okay)

Notquitegrownup Thu 29-Jan-09 10:35:26

Flying by and just thought I'd say hello. How are you doing, Itsa and Mr Itsa?

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